Circle

I know I've been writing a lot about aging... this is the last one for now!

A lot of us a repulsed by the idea of getting old. Incontinence, disinhibition (eg. socially inappropriate behaviour), immobility. Children don't have great bladder control, they do and say inappropriate things, and young babies aren't exactly mobile. Aging is like reverting to childhood, with limited memory, reasoning, abstract thinking.

Why do we find the same qualities so adorable in children and so devasting in elderly people? Why do we willingly look after babies, no matter how messy and naughty they are, but find it difficult to do the same for elderly relatives?

There are differences though. To have had that independance once, to have had that mental capacity, that ability to interact meaningfully with friends and family... to lose what you once had is quite different. Besides, babies grow out of it; to see children gradually attain physical, cognitive and social growth is one of the greatest pleasures of being a parent.

There was a time when I woke up early to see sunrise. I was shocked by how glaring and bright it was compared to the many sunsets I've seen. Mum commented that birth and death is similar. Indeed, babies enter into the world crying with all the might they can muster, and many elderly people slowly and quietly slip away.

Entropy - 2

It's inevitable. Your muscles start shrinking, bones undergo microfractures, the lens of your eyes gradually become thickened and the colour changes from clear to milky. Half of your smell and taste sensations are gone, the most mouthwatering dish becomes bland, ice cream is no longer sweet.

Even with the most careful diet, even without the risk factors of obesity and smoking, your risk of getting diabetes steadily rises. So does your blood pressure. Hypertension. To coronary heart disease, glomerulosclerosis, stroke.

Gradually your memory slips away. And you forget who you are. Even if you recognise your loved ones, you no longer feel a connection with them. Can't quite comprehend how they became, and how they are your children, your spouse, your sibling.

"Aging. And the only way you can avoid it is to die".

Entropy - 1

The most vibrant petal falls, decays.
The sturdiest building collapses.
Carefully carved candles are set ablaze.
Winter always overcomes summer.

The darkest hair turns white.
The smoothest skin scars.
The liveliest baby sleeps in a coffin.

Even the closest friends we forget.
Memory becomes a blurred silhouette.

From dust we came, to dust we return.

Thoughts triggered by the first line - where I saw these bright red petals scattered onto the muddy ground underneath the tree from which it grew.

The paradox

Do we carelessly toss what we have,
Then lament for what has been lost?

Only in turmoil is peace so dearly cherished,
And amongst tears that laughter so precious.

Does the same peace become monotony,
To which we forget to be grateful for?

Bound as brothers in storm; calamity!
Then becoming strangers in silence.

DCCC

While doing cleaning duty at college today, I realised how much of my "growing up" process happened at church. The first time I did dishes, the first time I mopped, vacuumed, served food, stacked chairs, set up tables... were not at home, but all these are random things I picked up at church. My real extended family has been far for a long time now, but I did have a "family" of sorts at church.

1) My "brothers", my best friends, who ran around, played and fought with me. Sharing "deep talks" with from time to time. And continuing to keep in touch with me :) It's only during these holidays in Shanghai did I notice how similar our friendship is to that between my cousins and I.

2) Sisters, who I had more conflicts with in the past... but nevertheless, forgiven me for the times when I have been rude or childish. Who shopped, talked, checked out guys with me and sometimes fed me :)

3) The younger children who are not so little any more. Some were like real little siblings to me, and taught/prepared me to be able to look after and play with my real sister.

4) Aunties who told me off, sometimes gossiped about me, especially about my relationships. I think it's because they cared. The adults weren't perfect, but looking back, they are encouraging examples of people who strive to be faithful to God even in difficult times.

I'm particularly grateful for a lot of the care, corrections, parenting during Sunday school, although I may have resented it at the time. Particular things that come to mind include:

1) One of the Sunday school teachers chatting with me in Mandarin the first time I came to church (all the kids spoke in English and I didn't understand a word).

2) Letting me know that putting my foot up on the table is "not very lady-like", because I really saw nothing wrong with it at the time.

3) Another Sunday school teacher being great in presenting evidence, explaining and provoking thought. Then attempting to answer all my endless questions.

4) For being flexible and letting me continue in Sunday school instead of attending normal service, at a time when I didn't understand the reason and wasn't willing to sit through long sermons and prayers.

For those of you reading this, thank you all for growing up with me, putting up with me, forgiving me, teaching me, sharing fun times, sharing life with me :)

Reminds me of that song we sang at YWAM summer camp one year:

I will stand with you
We will fight the fight
I will stand with you
Through the darkest night
I will stand with you
As God gives us might
Hand in hand, hand in hand
We will stand

When you're tired of the battle
Feeling worn out to the bone
And you feel like you've been fending
Off the arrows on your own
Close your eyes and see the angels
Who are fighting brave and bold
In the family of God in the family of God
In the family of God
You're not alone

When life can overwhelm you
And the tears rise in your eyes
And you wish that you could find a place
To run away and hide
I'll be there to hold my hand out
And to gently lead you home
In the family of God in the family of God
In the family of God you're not alone

Cold is...

(yup it's a long and totally pointless post, because you all know what cold is)

an unfamiliar, large empty room with high ceilings. An eerie line of light from a gap where the blinds don't quite meet the width of the windows. The deepest winter night, wrapped up in a thick blanket with the heater on full blast and all windows closed; but still freezing.

chilling winds gently rocking a lift chair suspended high above the slopes. Sitting with no assurance that the heavy skiis attached to your boots will not plummet into the (deceptively soft) white snow below. Hands numb from wet gloves, clasping tightly to the metal rails.

sitting on a lone bench in the middle of a park with stretches of grass on all sides. A park from which, in the distant horizon, a row of high rises can be seen. Not believing that the vast spaces are empty, wondering if anyone hides behind the night cover. Shivering uncontrollably inside a fur coat.

breathing out a magical ball of mist with every puff you let out. Marvelling at it like a child; knowing it's condensation but being fascinated nonetheless.

Art

Once upon a time an artist completed a painting. He was mesmerised, delighted! A scene rich in harmonious colours, with exquisite details, with life. (The rainforest. Grass green, dark green, dull green, crisp green. Fine rays of sunshine shy through the rustling leaves. A fresh scent lingers, the dampness seeps through the canvas, the birds are gliding out of the page...)

He continued to paint. But none matched the one he had completed. His skills and techniques were unchanged, but in light of his masterpiece, they were mere shadows, without colour, without magic. After numerous failed attempts, the joy of art was lost to him.

The artist was contented with his works before the painting changed him. If by some power you could decide, would you have let him create this masterpiece?