The game

This game has come to an end.

After my last interview, I realised all that I learnt during this game. Thinking about it, I played the game not only for the month of applications, but for nearly a year. Preparing to enter the game - having just that extra bit of motivation to nudge you over the edge to be involved in university life, be part of a committee. Laughing with friends about being the founder and president of a "evidence based CV padding committee". Checking out what the fuss was with conferences. Doing that interesting (or absolutely useless, but free) course, dabbling in some rudimentary textbook editing. It has certainly made our lives colourful.

Who would have guessed that the game would enhance my skills in being female. Preparing for that day, I figured out, for the first time, how to use a blow dryer and straightener instead of relying on waking up to find the hair tame and smooth (which it almost never is). Feeling the same way as I did when I was seven and smearing mum's eyeshadow all over my eyelids, as I bought some of these goodies myself and tried to apply it without making myself look like an evil witch doctor. My wardrobe had expanded in variety and volume thanks to days of shopping for a suit jacket but instead, coming home with bags of op shop bargains. Realising, it's perfectly acceptable to not to buy that $300 dress from Cue or Jacquie - an outfit that's "me" does so much more than one that's incredibly high class and out of my price range. Realising also, it's okay to not wear a new stunning pair of heels if you can't actually walk without falling over in those heels.

The interviews themselves were worthwhile. Recalling difficult times, mistakes, conflicts and smiling as I thought, wow, without these, there would be no real experiences to talk about. Forced to think of my future pathway, and having a wide eyed moment as I saw how paediatrics lined up with everything that I've done, from my family life, to holiday work, to medical electives and conferences (still undecided though). Preparing, I found was impressed with how articulate, clear and incredibly helpful you could be, making up answers for me because you knew my life experiences, my interests, my strengths and weaknesses.

Not having an interview at hospital 1, I realised that even games can hurt, and learnt to deal with the inevitable feeling of rejection. In hospital 2 I made some difficult decisions to practice self care, and discovered the affiliation I had to my university in ways I had not previously imagined. Hospital 3's group interviews were, well, different. Watching how each person presented themselves, and how each person walked the delicate balance between presenting well and being fake was remarkable. During hospital 4's more conventional individual interviews, I was pleasantly surprised how much more comfortable I was talking about myself in front of strangers, rather than practicing with my friends. Hospital 5, for you only did I write a completely sincere and heartfelt cover letter.

The game helped us to quickly see who our true friends were. Who you could easily share your successes and failures with, and which ones trusted to share theirs with you. Who happily told you the specific questions they were asked at their interviews, and who quietly slipped out of your life or gave a generic answer when you asked them how everything was going. I quickly realised for which friends I could turn from being envious to genuinely being happy for them, and for whom I had real difficulties ridding myself of poisonous feelings towards them, because I honestly did not like them. Being busy also helped to weed out friends of convenience to friends who make an effort to meet up - after all, if you never see or talk to each other, what sort of friendship is that? Being busy, I realised also that I rather enjoyed being productive, having a routine, doing something, rather than the nothing-ness of the previous semester.

Making these decisions, I learnt to communicate to my family about matters which I felt strongly about, and at the same time, being more receptive to their suggestions about matters which I felt ambivalent about. Waiting for the outcome, I knew clearly that walking with God is many times more important than where I will be next year. Finding out the results, I'm learning to have the proper perspective of being thankful, rather than proud, whether openly or secretly. I called it a game, not because I feel that I can go wherever I want without trying, but because all along until now I have no strong preferences of one place over another. I had participated for the process of playing, rather than the outcome, and it was worthwhile (for the process, rather than the outcome).