Doubles in December - part one

Two graduations

It was only in December last year that we briefly met, that you gave me five bright orange goldfish, that I was surprised to see you as a patient in clinic, that after dinner the train broke down for the rest of the night. Not long ago, I felt that it was sad how you valued all other friendships from these university years but towards me you were sporadic at best, mostly hateful actually. But somewhere between then and now, those things have lost its hold over me. Neither the dark cryptic comments and you wanting nothing to do with me, nor past memories or any positive aspects of your character which I appreciate, would affect my emotions with any intensity again.

A few years ago I remember you said, perhaps the next time we meet will be at graduation, hearing each other's names being called out in that hall. You were almost right. I never would have imagined then, that I could walk into a room and have no desire to face you, and be content with not acknowledging each other's presence. At the same time, I was sincerely happy for you, and clapped, knowing that I had both helped you and made this journey difficult for you. Time does heal after all, albeit rather slowly.

Regarding my own graduation, I guess it's supposed to be a significant event but I was just glad that the weather was not as hot as we expected it to be, that hiring gowns was a relatively straight forward process, that the gown and my dress matched relatively well, that photo taking was tolerable, that I could flip through the yearbook so I only briefly fell asleep during the ceremony, and that I didn't trip with heels whilst walking up and down the stage. The perks were probably seeing my best friends in medicine graduate together, spotting them amongst the sea of blacks and reds (sea of redback spiders), waving and hi fiving them on the way back to my seat. Also my two bouquets of flowers and cards, friends and family whom I love, and having my lovely little sister who was so excited hang out both her arms and half her torso off the balcony, to wave.

Contrary to the speeches, I don't feel there is any reason to congratulate myself about finishing the degree. These up and down years has shown me clearly that it is in God that I find any reason to live, and any strength to do what I do. Plus, I am somewhat aversive to change and just as I really really dreaded moving away from home and starting university, I feel similarly about starting work. How do you feel, to be a doctor? I feel (though there's no rational reason to really think so) sorry for whoever is going to be my patient, ha... I feel fake, and don't think that doctor title should ever be associated with my name. For the first time, I understand what the lecturer in first year said, when she talked about the imposter syndrome.

Tonight, Christmas carolling at a hospital, the familiar smells and pink de-bug bottles stirred in me (if I may borrow the phrase) a sense of impending doom. I wanted to run awayyyyy. My friend laughed and said, "you can't run away forever", and my sister gave me a big and very sympathetic hug, then proceeded to brainstorm ideas:

C: "How about you tell your teachers you quit?"
W: "Aww darling, I already finished school, I can't quit anymore haha."
C: "I know, you can leave them a nasty surpriseeee. Put a rat next to everybody's cheese, and make them scream. Then you will be fired!"
W: "I'm not sure I want to be fired..."
(after a pause) C: "Or, you could just not turn up to work."

I guess it is important to contribute to society through work, and living off others when you have the capacity to work is not living according to the word of God. Looking back at the university years too, I can be encouraged that there is joy and meaning to be found in walking with God. Even through times that I wouldn't have chosen for myself; the tiring, the draining, the confusing, the sad, the stressful, the difficult times.



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