How you felt

A psychologist talked to us about feels in a consult. For example, if a patient feels angry about the world, the clinician can subconsciously begin to adopt similar feelings of anger and annoyance. Doesn't that also apply outside the realms of clinical consults?

I'm sure it was awkward for you, and I felt awkward too. I bet you would answer "no..." and give me a weird look if I asked, but were you actually nervous. We exchanged so few direct sentences that it can probably be counted on one hand. Sometimes I think, without the external influences we can still be great friends, but sometimes I think maybe we wouldn't be friends anyway. You tell me that the reason you don't talk is because you don't have time and don't like chatting online, but actually, in your own words you stay up til late, sometimes chatting, sometimes just doing random things online. You're inconsistent, I feel like you're either hiding something from me, or purposely creating distances in our friendship and I hate that.

That's okay, we hardly have contact and when we do I can put that at the back of my mind and be civil. Only thing is, whenever the issue comes to mind it makes me feel sad that this is where we've come, and a bit angry at you for making it happen this way.

Edit: Herodotus has advised to look more into transference and countertransference, so for the sake of using the terms in an accurate way, I won't include references to the terms during this post.

Everyone who has been given much

I spent the past year in a small church, in B. We had a fantastic pastor and friendly church members who always welcomed new people, connected them to others who had similar interests to them, invited us for meals and small groups throughout the whole year. I miss that.

Now I'm back in M. There are plenty of strengths about the teaching, the fellowship here, but a conscious effort needs to be made to include those who are not part of the "core" or "in" group. I know what's it like to grow up in a church, and use the mingling time after fellowship as a time to hang out, tease, make jokes with old childhood friends whilst ignoring that person standing alone on the other side of the room. I know I should... but what do I say, he looks so old and we have nothing in common, oh maybe someone else will go up to her - hmm, I've done that so many times even after leaving D and realising that it can be difficult starting out at a new church by yourself.

As a newcomer to B, I was showered with plenty of undeserved kindness, care, attention, out of each family's love for God and the church. So much so that it would be unreasonable for me not to show the same love to others. So much so that on the weekend, when I wondered how I might talk to, or help the newer people in my current fellowship feel at home, I thought back to all that I've learnt subconsciously through what others have done for me. I've been blessed, and therefore I have more to give.

“The servant who knows the master’s will and does not get ready or does not do what the master wants will be beaten with many blows. But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." - Luke 12:47-48

This time

Who would have thought I would be back so soon. I hope, that I won't leave this rotation thinking why on earth am I living in M.

The second crossing

The first crossing

But the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left. That day the Lord saved Israel from the hands of the Egyptians, and Israel saw the Egyptians lying dead on the shore. - Exodus 14:29-30

Everyone's heard of the Red/Reed Sea crossing. We even have the movie/cartoon/musical, the Prince of Egypt, with the Israelites escaping on foot and Pharaoh's chariots closely behind them. Then there is the dramatic scene where Moses splits the waters in two, allowing the Israelites to escape from the Egyptians, from slavery. But have you thought much about the second crossing?

The second crossing

Now the Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap a great distance away... all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground. - Joshua 3:15-17

The speaker at OCF reminded us of the connections between the Israelites then, and Christians now. The first crossing symbolised the Israelite's freedom from slavery. Sin is often described as slavery, as something that lords over us. And I guess the experience is true - whether it's as obvious as drug addictions and pornography, or something more subtle like greed, lust or hate. Just as God rescued the Israelites, so we too, cross over from being slaves to sin, to being free from sin. That is, we are cleansed from our sins and no longer live in sin when we accept Christ's sacrifice for us.

Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey... what benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. - Romans 6:16, 21-22

The second water crossing led by Moses this time, signified entry into the promised land. Finally, after forty long years of wandering in the desert! In between the first water crossing out of slavery, and the second crossing into the promised land there were many years in the wilderness. Although the Israelites had experienced the power of God in the exodus, many grumbled against God, worshipped idols, and did not hold onto God's promise. God promised the Israelites the land of Canaan, an inheritance, yet it seemed that God had forgotten about the promise, and that it wasn't coming.

Now if we are children, then we are heirs - heirs of God and coheirs with Christ... - Romans 8:17

If accepting Jesus is the first crossing for Christians, the second crossing is the second coming of Jesus, the judgment day. The day feels like it will never come, we don't really understand the value of our "inheritance" (not land in this case, but entering into God's kingdom), and we easily forget the promise. Like the Israelites, we can accept Christ but never make it to the second crossing. We need to always remember salvation, but look ahead to what's coming too.

Who were they who heard and rebelled? Were they not all those Moses led out of Egypt? And with whom was he angry for forty years? Was it not with those who sinned, whose bodies fell in the desert? And to whom did God swear that they would never enter his rest if not to those who disobeyed? So we see that they were not able to enter, because of their unbelief. Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. - Hebrews 3:16-4:1

That means how we live in the meantime matters. We are to live in light of God's promise. And if we truly believe it, above all else our eyes will be fixed on eternal things, on walking and working for God. As the speaker put it, do we live in a way that says to God "I don't believe in your promise"?

Kind strangers

I’ve been told about the strangers who can brighten your day. A kind word, a smile, just asking “how are you.” And I didn’t really believe them. Sure they can politely ask “how are you” – but why does it matter, they know nothing about your life to begin with! Yesterday though, the kindness of a stranger did touch my heart.

Recently I’ve been settling back into the city, and there have been difficulties. The long hours on public transport for a trip that should take ideally less than 10 minutes. The cars, oh the number of cars, the limited parking, with complicated parking signs (9am-5pm 2P ticket Mon-Fri, 9:30-12:30 2P ticket Sat, clearway 4pm-6pm etc). So, I finally found a carpark next to the hospital. But it was a 2P ticket zone, sigh. I only needed 5 minutes to drop off a document. I walked over to the ticket machine and deliberated whether it was worthwhile to buy a ticket… or should I just make a dash in and out of the hospital. Then an elderly man rolled down his window and said, “do you need a ticket, for about half an hour?” He handed me the piece of paper, “it’ll only last until 4:30 though,” he said apologetically. I told him that’s great as I only needed to be there for a little while. I thanked him and he gave me a broad smile and drove off.

It was a simple gesture, just a small piece of paper, and cost him nothing but a little thoughtfulness. Yet it was so kindly given that it felt warm. It helped me to view strangers, and patients specifically, with a bit more optimism. It’s easy to be cynical about patients. If a stranger can affect our mood, our views, then the question to ask is – do I show kindness to strangers? Do you show kindness to strangers?

Want to hear one more story? Back in Singapore, I wrote a short story about another kind stranger.

Singapore has temperamental and excessive weather – from glaring, hot sunlight to buckets of rain that begins to flood the grasslands and pavements. The city has an extensive network of deep open drains and wide canals to deal with the rainwater.

I dislike carrying umbrellas because wet umbrellas wet your bag, and are heavy on the shoulders. Besides, droplets of rain don’t hurt anybody. That afternoon I was walking from the bus stop to the hospital. As usual, cars were jammed because of the downpour, though I’m not sure why cars jam when the rain is heavy in Singapore. Anyway, I waited calmly to cross the road. I waited and felt the rain begin to soak my hair and my long flowing skirt. One car was kind enough to slow down to let me cross.

Reaching the underground staff canteen, a couple of impolite men sitting around a table smirked at me. Perhaps I was paranoid, or perhaps they were really staring at my dripping hair. I ignored them and walked on. Then I came to cross the road, so that I could catch the free shuttle bus back to the train station. The walkways are nicely sheltered, but the crossing was open.

I strolled towards the crossing, knowing a bit more rain wouldn’t make much difference to my current state. I gazed ahead and caught the eye of a young man, dressed well, probably a medical student or a young doctor. He was walking towards me, heading for the opposite direction. He walked towards me, smiled and offered me his umbrella, and I was taken aback. Puzzled I mumbled, ‘oh no, that’s ok’ and he replied, ‘no no, that’s ok’ and changed his direction to offer his umbrella and walk with me. The scene was almost funny. I thanked him and he disappeared with his friend.

Did he pity me? I don’t know. But what a gentleman! I thought. A kind stranger who couldn’t have had any ulterior motives because we were perfect strangers and unlikely to even remember each other’s faces. The experience was surreal.

Those tails

Of the three blind rats, three blind rats, see how they run, see how they run. I love nursery rhymes and fairy tales as much as my little sister does, maybe more. Welcome to my new blog, which is really a continuation of 19-tails.blogspot.com, and "Cheese and Whiskers" (rats-tails.blogspot.com).

Do you know I’ve been wanting to start a new blog for almost a year now? And the part which stops me every time is the setting up process, picking a domain name, picking a name for the blog, setting up the layout. I finally picked a name, and oh no, it's rat related again. Sorry. I was tossing up between rat references and something more along the lines of chasing after the wind (Ecclesiastes). Then there was the difficult question of - should I use Blogger, or Wordpress? After a little experimentation, and much frustration with Wordpress, I've come back to Blogger.

Blog writing has really evolved over the past few years for me, from a cautious experimentation to a method of regular reflections and sharing. My very first blog was a joint blog with a friend, in which I was much more excited about creating the website and coding, than I was about writing. Funny, now it’s the opposite – I love just being able to write and not worry about designing or formatting.

Four years has resulted in hundreds and hundreds of posts. Writing online has always been a delicate balance betweeen sharing, but not going into details about everyone, and everything in your life. Over the years you read back on your posts, some which you would love to keep, some which belong more to the diary than an online media.

Starting a new blog is about clearing a bit of space. I will always write my personal blog primarily for my own reflections, but over the years I have an increasing awareness of the “audience” (both the friends and the randoms) and of God. Over the years too, my focus has drifted away from relationship dramas and emo-ness (?depression). Ah don’t worry, I’m sure there will be occasional juicy posts about relationship issues and dabbles of deep dark thoughts to come.

Many things to say

There are many things to say, but writing hasn't been possible without internet access for the past few weeks. I wanted to talk about the healthcare system, the hospital, the patients, and doctors in D. About packing and unpacking, and leaving the house that has been home for over 10 years. About my darling sister, about family, about the futility of attaining possessions to build happiness. About missing my home (of just a year, but feels longer) in B, about missing the church family there, about settling into M which has always been a cold place - metaphorically. But I will just talk about the last point for now.

People tell me that I must be glad to be back in civilisation - and I, in turn, find it hard to understand how they don't understand that I've never, ever, ever found B boring. Secretly, I think it's city snobbery (although my best friend tells me city kids picture regional towns as outback deserts), and people assuming everyone who is in rural clinical school is there because they couldn't get into metro. It was my number one preference, I loved it and I thank God for a fulfilling year of friendships, learning, cooking and more.

Frankly, I don't miss the life I had two or three years ago in M. At the time there were aspects I loved about it, but hanging out in the CBD or even the prospect of being able to explore a million food possibilities doesn't have the same appeal the second time around. I much prefer the few meaningful relationships to mass outings and superficial chatter that were common in the first two years of uni. I don't look forward to dealing with quirky old acquaintances, although to be fair, I never understood them enough to give them a chance. I definitely don't like the association the place has to my tangled rollercoaster of relationships, although those connections have largely faded in time.

I've gone from being a timid first year, to being nearly in my final year. I'm more aware that I have a purpose for being in M because I believe in each place that I've lived in, God gave me work to do - in school and in ministry, lessons to learn, people to encourage and relationships to build. Approaching these areas of life with a God-centred perspective, rather than for my personal ambitions and desires, is what makes your treasures eternal rather than temporary. Walking with God is what makes the days meaningful, fulfilling. And it is my prayer, that I will continue to walk with God in the coming semester.

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."