Doubles in December - part two

Two weddings

I attended two weddings in December.

"When you get to my age, everyone is getting married, buying HDBs (apartments), and having babies!"

Been hearing that, in various forms, for several years. Then, it's a strange thing when you start getting your first few wedding invites from friends. More surprised still, to hear about the number of weddings that were happening in these short holidays after graduation, even just amongst those in my year level. One which you have been hearing about since she started planning her wedding - who to (and not to) invite, the dress, the location, the music, the reception, the dance lessons, and more. Another coursemate who is getting married to a wealthy plastics registrar (but her family is already rich anyway). Still another, entering into an arranged marriage and with attending friends discussing whether they should wear a sari for the occasion. Not to mention waiting in the line to collect my gown and overhearing about a classmate who had proposed on graduation day itself, viewing photos of a dance friend's pre-wedding photo shoot at their new apartment in the following week, then unexpectedly receiving an overjoyed text on Christmas eve from an old friend - "she said yes!!!"

On committment

Whilst waiting for the bride:

A: Aww, he (the groom) must be feeling nervous, standing there.

B: Why would he be? What do you mean?

A: He will be wondering whether she will show up.

B: You mean if she will be late? Or not turn up on purpose? Surely if you are getting married you should know that the person is going to be there...

A:Well, I know of someone who it's happened too. She changed her mind and didn't turn up. Then they had another ceremony a year later!

I laughed. I guess though, it is no easy committment. For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. Maybe it shocks me a little to hear the exchange of vows - I can't help think, really?? What difficult words to utter, to mean from your heart, and to live by for the rest of your life! What solemn promises made before the witness of family, friends, and God himself!

Glory to God

We were friends since the first few weeks of university. The three of us had fun times. I remember a time when we heard that one of the other residents had thrown out his laptop; instead of asking for it, they waited til evening came and invited me to join them in hunting for the goods. So after laughing as we dug through multiple garbage bins (!!), for where we lived there were a full line of red and yellow topped bins, we recovered not only a working laptop, but a nice CD player with speakers too. But.

Even on that occasion, though none of us knew the owner well, he just knew somehow that "New Folder" on this laptop's front page must be porn. He reasoned, well what else would you call it? And he was right, to my disgust. He was often curious about what sensitive exams we had learnt during our course. For awhile he went to casino regularly and annoyed me by influencing others around him. He used to flirt, have so many crushes, write about them, talk about them, chase them.

And he had no interest in God. It must be for a girl, I teased, when he said he started going to church. And so it was. But what I was really surprised at, was that it became a deep committment to seeking and obeying God. What transformation there was, in his approach to friends, to relationships, to marriage, in his speech, and in how he started to prepare for his role as a godly husband. How very strange but joyful it was, to see their wedding ceremony proclaim so clearly, the glory of God. To see God's grace and forgiveness in restoring a relationship with this friend who (like us all) used to live defiant opposition to him.

During the ceremony, we sang hymns of God's greatness, saw the church family which he had become a part of, and was reminded that it is God's help which will see them through their committment when inevitably, difficulties arise. In many ways, the ceremony emphasised that more than a union to make oneself or even one another happy, as with other aspects of Christian living, marriage has the primary purpose of bringing glory to God.

On groomsmen, traditions, and miscellaneous thoughts

Seeing the lovely line of bridesmaids and groomsmen lined up for photos, I thought, oh no what a lop-sided gender balance there is amongst my close friends. What if I can't think of a girl whom I can have as a bridesmaid? Would it be inappropriate to have a bridesman? Probably. Later I remembered that almost all my school (primary and secondary) friends are girls. But I still stopped to think about why there have been so few close girl friends years after high school. Maybe I will save those reflections for another day.

Sometimes I wonder why conventional weddings are the way they are. Why church weddings with priests and prayers if you would never attend on a regular week? I suppose some look to traditions when faced with significant life events such as births, weddings and deaths. Why buy an expensive white dress which you could never wear, unless you plan to get married more than once? Do people actually practice the wedding day kiss? What happens if you serve fairy bread and hot dogs instead of the normal banquet? And how about the cake?

W: Instead of having a cake, I will have a block of cheese, with a rat inside! Which will run around after I cut it.

C: What if you cut the rat? I'm going to have a pie with a magpie. And the bird will fly away.

W & C: Heheheheh.

University classmates

I've always found it awkward, to not see my classmates for years, then see them again. Then not for months, then again at internship talks and career related events, then not for more months, then again at exams, then not, then again at graduation and celebrations.

I guess, I never liked them much, and don't hold any sentimental attachment towards my cohort. In those preclinical days, I didn't like the fact that all the students from local high schools had their gangs, those from residential colleges were close to one another, those on the same train line got to know one another well, those from an Indian background had their own group, as did the exclusive Singaporeans who rarely associated with anyone else, and as did a group of Indonesians who were always so talkative. I didn't enjoy associating with those who were smart but arrogant, or obsessively competitive until they lived biochemical pathways and breathed anatomy notes. Nor did I share much in common with those who boasted about how many times they had sex in a day, those who were more interested in having a drunken good time than learning medicine, or girls who treated every day at school as a fashion show or beauty contest to win.

Maybe I met some nice people too, but I can't recall many. I disliked medical students altogether and avoided associating with them. Truth is, I probably felt that way because I felt sad and rejected about not fitting into their conversations, their backgrounds, their interests, their lives. I guess now my views towards the medical community have shifted, after encountering memorable friendships, friends who I'm thankful for, both at my clinical school and outside that too, with those from other cities and countries around the world. Nevertheless, being back each time reignites some of those negative feelings.

During our long wait in the holding area, as we held small chit chats with those seated around us, I wondered, what makes two people click, and another two get along awkwardly every time they meet? Is it that the other person is awkward (but they don't seem to have issues getting along with mutual friends), or that I'm awkward, or is it just something between us that will never change? On the other hand, how is it that another person may be socially awkward, but be one that you can get along with easily? What makes one person warm, and another cold as frost? How is it that you can laugh and joke with some people in one setting, and not know what to say to say to them, when the setting changes? Why do I feel hated and snubbed every time I interact with some people, or am I hypersensitive and misinterpreting their sentiments towards me? What is it about an interaction that makes two people want to get to know each other, make an effort to be friends, and how do people decide who are the individuals they will politely greet but are happy to never see again?

It's so complicated. My head hurts.

Out of convenience

I was listening to Malachi randomly, at a timely time, on the drive that I sort of wish I didn't go on.

God's people (the Israelites) in Malachi's time failed to give tithe and offerings as required. They saw it as a burden. They knew the requirements of the law but saw nothing wrong with offering blind and lame animals to God, though they had acceptable animals in their flocks. They gave, but out of their convenience. Those animals couldn't have profited them much anyway. Or in Jesus' time, those who were giving out of their wealth - perhaps they were happy to drop in a sum each week, as long as it didn't hurt their lifestyles.

Do we obey God out of convenience?

I have been (am) struggling with how love comes at a cost. Perhaps it costs time when you could use for study, or petrol on a week where fuel prices are high, or significant damage to your personal belongings. Perhaps the cost is less tangible, but very real nevertheless. Less hours of sleep, maybe even insomnia. Not being appreciated, or the sort of friendship where you are only contacted out of the other person's convenience. How about when the person you are helping, in the same breath that they express their gratitude, shock you with how self centred they are. Maybe with something that is not even socially acceptable, akin to refusing a small favour such as, can you please pass the water from across the table.

Sometimes I think, maybe I'm nice you know, I do love my neighbours - thinking about how I can encourage this person, spend time with that person, help with someone else's needs, buy something good to share with another person. I love a little, while it's convenient. Until it costs me something that hurts. Then it turns to hate or pondering whether it is worthwhile to serve God. If this person is like that, why should I ever do anything for them. I wish I never noticed. I should have stayed home, then this would have never happened. God this is not fair, why did this happen when I am trying to be good to others?!

“You have said, ‘It is futile to serve God. What do we gain by carrying out his requirements and going about like mourners before the Lord Almighty?" - Malachi 3:13-14

I guess, when you read the whole story of Israel and how patiently God had loved and blessed the people with everything they had, it's ridiculous that the people would say that. But somehow, it sounds more reasonable coming from my own heart... but it's not.

So no, reality is that I'm selective, and give up easily, and don't love that selfless love much at all. A humbling reminder it is, of how none of us can be righteous before God by our own efforts, and how deeply we need to grasp God's love to continue loving. What a high calling Jesus gave and demonstrated, to love your enemies; and if your enemies, then surely your friends also!

(By the way, I always thought loving enemies was an oxymoronic statement, but perhaps what he was saying was, those who despise you as an enemy rather than those whom you despise as enemies.)

Change of pace

For a few days, I exchanged my scarves for slippers, and saw a sun which glowed with real brightness and intensity. For once, my thoughts were occupied not just with discharge summaries and the whirlpool of my own feelings, but with the lives of old friends, and medicine that touched poverty, politics, and the wider world. As I weaved up into vast skies and layers of clouds, once again I was struck by the consciousness of my own mortality, despite knowing that statistically, dying from a plane crash is extremely unlikely.

From waking up to noisy neighbours and train hoots, there, I woke up to an unnecessarily loud and horribly evil laugh of a kookaburra, followed by a colourful choir of tweets, which reminded me so much of home. My never changing breakfast of two minute oats, milk, and bananas, was changed to, waking-up-too-late-for-breakfast, which would be promptly followed by scoffing down dry scones at morning tea, binging on tea and milk for lack of good food options, piling massive plates of not so filling vegetarian meals (organisers were going green), and diving for fried finger foods in the evenings. Each night would conclude with a stroll down to the night markets, armed with a delicious roll of Japanese crepe with whipped cream and ice cream.

Instead of (mentally) speaking with myself at my desk, which makes for poor and tiresome company, I sat with old friends on quiet benches outside loud and drunken parties, indulging in long overdue catch up chats. We talked until early hours of the morning, about our careers and futures, above love, about makeup and clothes; laughing at how each of us, from the pink-loving girly girls to the tomboys who never wanted to be girls, were on a journey of transformation, from a girl to a woman. Having often lamented on lost friendships during university years, I delighted in discovering that old high school friendships could mature into something better, where even the craziest girls, or the boys who adored only games and Anime, could develop a thoughtfulness and patience to listen and connect on a meaningful level.

A few days of warmth and a change of scene, away from the unbearably stubborn fog through which everything becomes indistinguishable shades of grey; respite, I think that is what they call it...

A most memorable week

In the week following, the conference was constantly on my mind - reliving the memories through photos, a rally of comments and messages. Unexpectedly, this had become a highlight of my medical school life.

See, I have never been interested in being involved with the medical community until I made friends in medicine during the last two or three years. I had avoided medical events, because I inevitably felt ripped off for subsidising alcoholics, paying extravagant amounts for a ball ticket which only comes with a two course meal. Or spending hundreds of dollars for a student conference within Australia where the theme is getting drunk, partying hard, and casual sex.

Manila itself was unremarkable. A dingy old terminal packed with relatives and budget travellers. Cars driving as if the white lines on the road were invisible. Standing out with my pale vampire skin after not seeing the sun for a semester. People asking for money on the streets. Homeless children and adults. Taxi drivers pretending to not understand English when they're asked to turn on the meter, instead charging double, triple, quadruple the usual amount. Security checks and half hearted pat downs at every major shopping centre, even before you enter the university building. Guards with guns on the street. Hearing of a Korean lady being killed in her hotel bed (not ours) during the time of our stay. It's not exactly a place that feels safe. At least streets were reasonably clear of piles of rubbish, and the toilets, even student toilets at the local university, smelt far fresher than most Asian countries.

The local cuisine consisted of fried, meaty, salty, sickly sweet, more-sour-than-lemon dishes, with a strange combination of those flavours hitting you all at once. The desserts were delicious, full of coconut and condensed milk. But too sweet. It didn't help that we were catered with cheap boxed meals for lunch and dinner. What a surprise! I have not yet come across a cuisine that I do not enjoy. To be fair, there were one or two passable dishes. And it did take me half a year or so of living in the country to get used to Singaporean/Malaysian food.

Our pre-conference evening was spent in a surprisingly new and nicely renovated room in a not so nice part of town. Adjacent to our first hotel was a Lord of the Rings themed establishment, with little people (the performers?) outside. Down the road was a seedy looking place called "Hussy", with neon signs, and a door with a dark square window. In the evening, behind that window you would see half  clothes ladies dancing with their faces right up to the door. How disturbing.

During the conference itself we stayed in a five star hotel. The most amazing part was that a week long student conference would in fact be accommodated in a five star hotel with a delicious buffet breakfast every morning. Not that half the people made it to the 5am to 7am breakfast. After a tiresome here and there swap of rooms, I ended up with the best roommate, with whom I never had to feel bad for turning on lights and brushing my teeth noisily in the morning, or for switching channels when we watched TV at night. Just felt bad that I was also the "chick repellent". Too bad!

Unfortunately many of us fell sound sleep through many of the keynote speaker's talks. But, I was still amazed to see the the passion and projects from younger medical students (yes, not many were in their final year) to reach out to the socially disadvantaged groups in their countries. Health disparity, made so clear by visiting a crowded public clinic feeding malnourished children, and an hour later, walking through the presidential suite within a top private hospital, complete with a stunning view and a spa. I'm still working out my thoughts on the more serious aspect of the trip - namely, health inequality, which was also the conference theme.

The happiest times there were my group mates who became my new friends. With you guys, I didn't mind waiting for hours for transport, or being stuck in traffic. Because during that time we were amused by learning to passionately declare "I love you!" in a million languages. Singing karaoke was fun, even though the song selection and sound system were worse than if we had just used Youtube on a family TV. With you guys, I didn't mind staying up for nearly the entire night just being crazy and (on an alcohol free) high. It's nice, being around a good proportion of people who aren't slurring their words or trying to tell me that I just need to try it to have a good time. Not to say that there weren't medical students there who were clearly looking to club and hook up every night. But being final year is nice in that there are no one in the years above trying to tell you what you need to do to do to make the most of your university life.

Our group was lead by the most caring person I had ever, ever met. Surprising all of us to ice cream treats, and cold drinks on many hot days. Buying this snack and that dish for us to try at the mall. Taking us all out for dinner when we were sick of the catering. Apologising for the food, the tight schedule, the weather, anything, when none of it was his fault. Donating a green necktie as a snake for our rod, for the group 15 banner. Driving us everywhere as we sang Jason Mraz and listened to his self composed tunes. Playfully and amazingly accurately, imitating each group member's quirks. Carefully planning our "mission impossible" escape from the long boring city tour without other groups finding out. Giving us souvenirs. Staying up with us until sunrise. All while there were exams coming up in the following week. Taking care of us, helping us to bond as a group, and being an unforgettable, incredibly awesome host!

Then there was each of you. Our second group moderator who was with us just for a little while but was so bright and colourful both in her personality and clothing. The pretty Korean girl who had so many photos of herself on everyone's phone, camera, iPad, anything. "You look amazing, you don't need to check your photos!" I had told her, to which she replied tartly "you don't need to tell me, I already know that!" Another Korean delegate with the sweetest smile, always prepared for the camera, even when she was almost falling asleep. The Indonesian guy with long hair who took self-take photos to the next level by piling up almost forty people behind him, and capturing them all within the photo. Helpful too, teaching me the manual settings I never knew how to use on my camera. The UK group buddies who we only really saw during night life activities. Our shy Malaysian friend who didn't want to sing - we thought she was croaking off-tune into the microphone, only to turn around and discover that it was our group moderator pretending to sing in a girl's voice. The Indonesian girl who teased me for being a fake and mean group moderator. Swapping sunnies with my Taiwanese friend. A Thai friend who patiently taught me how to say "my name is" after repeating it to me for the twentieth time within a few hours. Nùeng, săwng, săam, sìi, hâa. I don't think I'm very good with languages. Recalling bits and pieces of Japanese with an aspiring psychiatrist, and catching snippets of her conversations with the others. It was surprising what was left, after letting my language learning lay dormant for over six years. Our pathology orientated Singaporean friend who took great delight in dissecting the half formed duckling in an egg. Eww.

An interesting and diverse group, and I felt sad, leaving without adequate mental preparation. It was not an easy decision to make, but even a the time, I knew it was the right decision. I was just getting to know you all, be part of the family, and also planned to talk to many others, watch the cultural performances, shop more, and sight see outside Manila city itself. But my adventure came to an early end. I guess my group shouldn't have been surprised at my decision, as you had already heard my choices in the just-for-fun psychology testing through story endings - I had, without hesitation, chosen the inhabited warm house rather than venturing further into that forest, no matter what enticing adventure awaited me.

Our time together reminded me of the close friendships I had in high school, my fun group of dance friends who I thoroughly enjoyed rehearsing and just having supper, or simply spending time together as a group with. And of course, the silly fun we had in B with many end-of-block parties, climbing up the roof with party poppers, playing cricket and lawn bowls in our massive living area, swinging on the swings next to the lake and waving to the consultant who walked past that same afternoon. I was starting to think otherwise, but this time I was reminded and reassured that I had no inherent issue in making friends, or be part of a social group. Just that sometimes you go for a very long time without finding someone, or a group of people, that you can click with. It just depends who you meet.

Yet, even amongst a group of close friends, many will drift, although some stay by you. No doubt individually we may meet here or there, but after this time it will never be the same group united at one place, with such easy and carefree interactions. We speak of seeing each other again but perhaps forget, that we are all busy as students and will be busier as doctors. From all these different countries, all different year levels, it would be difficult, almost impossible to find a time and place to meet again as an entire group. I've come and gone too many times to believe in friends forever, and knowing that, it made our time together more precious and added sadness to the farewells. Still, I hope some of us do remain as friends for a long time to come. Thanks for the wonderful week in Manila group 15, miss you all! Jinjjaaaaa!

Community and clique - part two

Camp was coming up, and I couldn't help but feel cautious, rather than excited, about the whole event. A bit of background.

Same time last year, in the same seaside town, we drove up for a day trip to the same camp. Having not seen many people for months, or years even, there was this awkward situation of not being "new" (and triggering people's welcoming newcomers alert) but not "old" enough to have anyone to talk to either. I noticed a few people I hadn't met before playing pool, sitting in trios at meals, separate from the rest. Said hi, because I love pool and didn't care who I played against. Not really. Because noticing and acknowledging people, even when you feel like passing them by, is the only way to begin showing godly love. Because particularly in fellowship, love is more important than fitting in with the "culture" of the group, or seeking out popular people so that I can be connected with the "in" crowd.

I didn't know what we had in common any more than anyone else. In fact, I couldn't remember their names for ages, or tell one apart from another. I didn't know how to talk to them, not being able to understand or be understood completely in English. At the same camp this year, I reflected and remember how our friendships have grown. Earlier this year, one shared with me how he was really searching at that time last year, and believed in God shortly after. The two I'm thinking of are eager to grow in God's word, sharing it with friends and family because they care, and are some of the most genuine, helpful and loving Christians I know. Plus some of the best KTV buddies. I reflect, and realise again (as I first did in Singapore), that it's my blessing to have said hi instead of walking away.

April this year. This is not really about community or cliques, but love. I was surprised, in a bad way, at how both in the girl's and guy's cabins, there was a mad scramble for the limited beds available. Literally running for one, or saying blatantly, I was here first, I'm not going to sleep on the floor. How old are we again? And more disappointingly still, this was between sermons where we heard of Christ's love for us, how he lived, suffered, and died for us. Can't we, even starting there and there for a few days, live likewise in serving others? But I suppose it's hard, I struggled to not do the very things I hated in others.

Anyway, back to the starting topic. This time, was better than I anticipated. Teaching was clear, as usual. Discussions were meaningful rather than routine. People made an effort with my friend, my sister. I was encouraged by finding others who were there to build a fellowship, rather than build a comfortable social circle.

I hope that we, myself included, are not just growing in knowledge each time we come together to study the Word, but can learn also, to respond in love and service towards each other, knowing how Jesus came to love and serve us. Which is (if you don't read Chinese) the idea of the chorus.

祢的爱



祢创造宇宙万物，统管一切所有
但祢却关心我的需要，了解我的感受
祢手铺陈天上云彩，打造永恒国度
但这双手却甘心为我，忍受彻骨钉伤苦痛
祢公义审判万民，圣洁光照全地
但祢却一再赐恩典，一再施怜悯
给我机会回转向祢

祢的爱如此温柔，超乎我心所想
这样大有能力的主，竟捧我在手掌心上
祢的爱如此深切，我知我无以报答
但愿倒空我的生命，学习祢谦卑的样式
背起我自己的十字架 

祢创造宇宙万物，统管一切所有
但祢却关心我的需要，了解我的感受
祢手铺陈天上云彩，打造永恒国度
但这双手却甘心为我，忍受彻骨钉伤苦痛
祢公义审判万民，圣洁光照全地
但祢却一再赐恩典，一再施怜悯
给我机会回转向祢

Give and take

Loving others, is a blessing, and a command. That means caring for that stranger, listening to that person whether they give a hoot about you or not.

However. A one sided love is a crush, an unrequited love, rather than a real relationship. Then, what do you say of the one sided friendship? What is friendship? I would think that, by definition, it implies give and take. Of care, of listening, of encouraging.

There is a place for investing in someones life without expecting return. But I assume as humans, we also need solid, two way, mutual friendships to keep us going, through the flat, the ups, and downs of daily life.

I find that you can't expect much (I've been told that I'm demanding), especially when you have a need. When the answer is always, I'm really really busy. Sorry, instead of listening to your packed schedule, what I'm really hearing is something about your priorities (I've also been told that I should hear what is said, rather than feeling the undercurrents).

After a long day, a quick impromptu meal and chat will be great. Openly sharing "matters of the heart", without needing to describe who's who would be good. On the weekend, it would be nice to go for a short drive, explore somewhere. Being able to ask without hesitation, without wondering if the answer would be too busy, or too far, would be amazing. Not doing the asking would be better. Just knowing that the friendship is mutually sought, enjoyed and appreciate.

It's tiring. It's not that I have all the time in the world and am exempt from whatever university students worry about. And neither is it that I'm bored out of my brains and can't entertain myself. It's an offer of friendship, to spend time together. This garden doesn't seem terribly conducive for plant growing. Ooo, we were talking about Jesus' parables involving growing seeds just today, maybe I accidently plagarised the ideas.

The fourteen year old wrote:

Friendship

The plant of two,

Blossoming under tender care,

The alive and ever true,

Are sadly very rare.

The seeds are planted,

With a smile and nod,

The two are enchanted,

With each growing pod.

As the plant grows,

Towards the vast sky,

A wind of sin blows,

A shrilling and ugly cry.

The two grows apart,

The plant withers dry,

They grieve in their heart,

Not wanting it to die.

The two may arise,

From their petty feud,

And grow increasingly wise,

In granting the plant food.

Other plants are buried,

Under newfound flowers,

The results are not varied,

Destroying works of hours.

Tall and lasting plants,

Succulent in loyalty,

Lovingly grants,

An envied life in royalty.

Different friends

"This is my friend..." - that word has so many meanings.

I always say that I have a lot of pseudo friends, acquaintances. I've been surprised to hear people who I would consider "social butterflies" explain that this has been their experience too. I was apprehensive to be back here, because I knew that after a period of time away, I would quickly be disappointed by those whom I thought were friends, but were really just people you (metaphorically) greet and pass by.

Back there the acquaintances were people who I saw weekly, or more, but always kept their distance. Not making an effort there, certainly I don't expect to see their faces here. I don't understand, it's draining, and at times I don't see the point. There are other difficult friendships, here and there. Notably those who shamelessly take without giving, and are constantly selfishly concerned with what is convenient for themselves.

Yet, there's always the beautiful too. Here I'm reminded of the many generous and kind friends. Friends who invite me to their home, are busy but always make themselves available, are willing to be flexible, who welcome not only me but my friends, who are always happy to meet, dine, sing or dance together. Blowing away my cynicism, realising not all friends disappear with time and distance.

And even back in that cold city, there were the friends who were there with me during semester, and during exams. Who, perhaps unknowingly, cheered me up by a few words, or brought stability into my inner world by simply being there, preparing and studying together, zoning out afterwards with our favourite game, a walk, and a food trail through the city. And apart from them, there are a few others in that city with whom I can enjoy chats over meals with, time after time.

You know who you are, your friendship is much appreciated, thank you.

Coins and squares

The image is from a year 12 English past paper.

The story has been told, in one way or another, by several authors. Including myself. The events highlighted, the emotions, the assumed intentions are so vastly different that it has been the ultimate example of looking at the same series of happenings from different viewpoints, perspectives, two sides of the coin, or more accurately four sides of the same square. Which is the real version?

Some were outright with what they saw happening, others didn't see the point in conversing. At one point I would not have accepted that there could be a different spin on the story. You could have, and maybe did, write me off as immature and exaggerated in my response, and I could have just easily dismissed you as clearly inappropriate in your behaviour. Or this time, I would be put off by that seething hatred, stubbornly held onto season after season, and similarly, you would close your ears as you accuse me of being blinded. What is the point, of telling them how I see it from here, and how they see it from there? What is the point, when talk alone never changes what is, and we are each set firmly in our opinions about one another.

Maybe, listening is the first step in acknowledging that your views, and feelings, are worth considering. That you may be right, and I may be wrong, or we both may be right, or wrong. Maybe, when we understanding the back story, the hate and anger will dampen, and gradually be replaced by forgiveness. Not unlike what that psychiatrist said about BPD patients - if you could connect with the troubled little girl behind the anger and chaos, you may be able to care for them better, and be more patient with their behaviour.

Maybe listening does have something to do with patience, loving thy enemy, and dealing with the overwhelming anger and hatred that comes so naturally.

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. - James 1:19-20

Side note 1: This time I woke up. And had to think for awhile whether it was real. Then I looked at the orange colours in the bottle and realised it was real.

Side note 2: Not an invitation to extrapolate "truth" in human interactions, to truth in general and say that there is no absolute truth.

Ongoing

In no particular order:

Section A

I've thought alot about it this week. The time, and resources I would happily give, if it was before. But it's not the same. Of course I've known that for a long time but still don't understand your unwillingness to be open and clear, when we knew each other so well and talked so easily. Not hating you for being loyal, but for your mixed messages. What can you possibly mean by saying you care, and never initiate conversation. How do I interpret you wanting distance, then wanting "occasional" good chats. That time, we talked about having to celebrate our twenty firsts. Then you promised to catch up, saying of course it matters. But it doesn't.

Being in the same city can be far away, when you want it to be that way. You, and that other bro, are the same. Pretending to be old friends, but only there when it's convenient. "I'm quite busy" - I genuinely believed it. I'm good at believing excuses and lies. But now that it's been months, a year or more, it just means to me sorry I can't be bothered to make time, that I prefer to be surfing FB than to see you. Hate to realise it, but we always have time for friends that matter.

Section B

The learning is great. But it's a matter of perspective, on the social interactions. Some weeks are good, and some aren't so. The opportunity is that without a cosy nest, it frees you to mingle with those who are older, younger, alone, different, or just don't really belong - the people who I used to ignore when I had my nest. And leaves plenty of lunches to spend one on one with people outside. But other times, like this time, I feel that it's really going nowhere all semester and that doesn't look like it's going to change. I can't help but hear a mental snigger every time we talk about this place being welcoming. Sorry, about being judgmental. To me it seems that they will politely converse with you, if you look for them to, but save the real conversations, laughs, with the insiders. If you speak the same lingo, have the right connections, then your social calendar will be filled with gatherings and dinners, but if you're not, you will never be invited. It's petty but we all have feelings. If you're inside, you will be given roles as time goes by, and if you're not, I suppose you don't meet the criteria of popularity, which is strangely associated with your commitment. Good thing is you learn to do, quietly, the way it should be done. Maybe if you were pretty, cute, or handsome, and available, they would converse with more interest? Yes I suppose there's no point getting to know someone with whom you have no romantic potential, and anyone who is paired clearly has more than enough in terms of their social needs.

Mmm, that's terribly cynical. Some weeks I am thankful, optimistic even, that this is the place to be. But this time, when I'm meant to be thankful I just feel discontent. And it's sad, knowing that this is supposed to be a hospitable family and be a great symbol of love. If only for the social aspect, the dance class group, or any random club, can be better family than this. I long to be elsewhere, but I do remember that I have a task here, and I will know when it's time to fly away again.

Mysterious ways

At least one puzzle has been decoded. I had no idea what you were talking about. Now your cryptic comments still play over in my head. I'm not sure it's something you see and hear, or if it's just what you see through lenses of hate. Out of his hate he says it's your sly schemes, but I'm more inclined to believe you mean well. Of course a friend's word weighs more than yours, but you've planted a seed of doubt and fueled my already heightened sensitivity to such issues. I'm not sure whether to believe your "prophecy" or not. Out of spite I would say no, that's just how you want it to be, that would never happen. But honestly, who knows.

Then there is the mystery that surrounds my friends. It's interesting that I can spend a lot of time with these friends, do lots of activities together, even considering them to be some of my closest friends here. Yet they can give little or no clues at all to what they're thinking, what they think of our friendship. That is, the conversation rarely moves from what is happening, to how they feel day to day. I talk a lot and share a lot with anyone who I have a genuine interest to talk to, and (I can imagine but) can't understand why there are people who wouldn't. In fact it even offends me a little because I'm showing you who I am because I can be bothered, and I'm trying to learn who you are because I care. But you don't want me to know. My guess is that some people are selectively expressive, others are too polite to cause rifts with their opinions, or find it awkward to talk "deep". The mysterious friends, maybe you can enlighten me on your ways sometime.

How you felt

A psychologist talked to us about feels in a consult. For example, if a patient feels angry about the world, the clinician can subconsciously begin to adopt similar feelings of anger and annoyance. Doesn't that also apply outside the realms of clinical consults?

I'm sure it was awkward for you, and I felt awkward too. I bet you would answer "no..." and give me a weird look if I asked, but were you actually nervous. We exchanged so few direct sentences that it can probably be counted on one hand. Sometimes I think, without the external influences we can still be great friends, but sometimes I think maybe we wouldn't be friends anyway. You tell me that the reason you don't talk is because you don't have time and don't like chatting online, but actually, in your own words you stay up til late, sometimes chatting, sometimes just doing random things online. You're inconsistent, I feel like you're either hiding something from me, or purposely creating distances in our friendship and I hate that.

That's okay, we hardly have contact and when we do I can put that at the back of my mind and be civil. Only thing is, whenever the issue comes to mind it makes me feel sad that this is where we've come, and a bit angry at you for making it happen this way.

Edit: Herodotus has advised to look more into transference and countertransference, so for the sake of using the terms in an accurate way, I won't include references to the terms during this post.

Awkward friendships

A few days ago I was thinking again about the people who have come in and out of my life. Especially the group of students I hanged out with in first year. Surely that was memorable! It is where we first learnt how to cook, how to do our own laundry, how to do our own shopping. That was also the group of people whom I first went to the markets with, explored the Italian restaurants along that street, and Asian foods in the city. I lived with them for half a year and saw them regularly thereafter for at least another half a year.

Yet most of them are strangers now, and worse than strangers because at some point we talked, hanged out, took photos together. I was thinking about why I didn't become friends with most of them. I guess they were always more my ex's friends than mine to start with, and when we stopped talking they stopped talking to me too. Maybe I didn't spend enough time with them, maybe they didn't click with me because we were different (ha, I remember how they used to tease my "Australian accent"). Still, I can't help but feel resentment for the sake of the seventeen year old version of myself. What was wrong with me that you didn't want to be friends with me? Back then, I would want to be friends with someone or a group (haha, the stereotypical thing of teenagers wanting to fit in, maybe) and be quite sad when they ignored me. I guess now when people don't show interest in conversation or prefer other friends to me, I'm less bothered because I recognise that for whatever reason, we don't get on fabulously and that's okay - after all, friendship has to be two ways.

Then last night my mind was bothering me about all the other people in my life that I have awkward relationships with. It was simple when we were little - there were people you liked and were friends with. Then there were those you didn't like, you might hate each other and either be friends again, leaving all that in the past... or you wouldn't talk to each other and never had to deal with each other again. Now I have "friends" who were never friends in the first place, and I wonder what it will be like when I move back to M because I'll be bumping into plenty of them. Friends who I made an effort to be friends with, but who didn't respond. I have friends I'm sure have some underlying dislike for me, but ask to catch up nevertheless, goodness knows why. Perhaps that's a notch better than the friends who hate me and never want to see me again. Friends (that I've known for years) who remove me on Facebook without any precipitant cause, and especially if they are people who I will definitely meet and have to talk to in the very near future. Even if I don't happen to click on their profiles, it's just sooo obvious when you have them in the "people you may know"/"suggested friends" section. I have friends who I get annoyed with, and who get annoyed with me, and I suppose sometimes we get over the sourness and sometimes we don't, but it's hard to tell. Then there's a bunch of people who I don't know, and who don't know me, but we are wary about each other because they are caught indirectly between relationship issues - eg. they're the girlfriend of someone you were close to, or they're good friends with someone who hates you, or they had a strange fling with the guy you're going out with, or whatever the case may be.

I felt sad, thinking about how I've accumulated so many friendship issues that make me feel ergh inside when I think about them. I guess I don't need to think too much about things that have past, but will try to start on a new page when if I happen to meet these people again. Oh yeah, just to keep things balanced - there are a handful of good, meaningful friendships too, and some acquaintances whom I never had the opportunity to get to know better, but would be delighted to do so. It's been better in the past two years since I left M, and I'm not sure if it's the nature of the people I've come across or if it's changes in my own character that has made friendships easier to come by.

For a moment

Over recent times, as I reflect on my friendships both pre uni and since uni, I've found them to be disappointing. There are good moments, good memories, and some friends are great for the period of time that they are friends, but in most, the longevity factor is just not there. Friends are fickle with the times. There is not much to be expected from them.

That thought led me to think about how relationships may in fact be necessary at some stage of your life, where you may have more depth, and stability. But love is brief, and good and perfect times are brief. I guess there is nothing to be disappointed about because that is how the relationship between two imperfect people would be. But I am disappointed. And can't imagine how any relationship can end well (or should I say, continue well).

Sure, maybe tomorrow will be a new day and an end to the bitterness. But there's always tonight when the emotional disruption halts or retards any physical or mental tasks, when peace is disrupted, when you go to bed with question marks and a heaviness that doesn't help with sleep.

In times of need

Everyone enjoys a casual catch up, over meals or a cup of coffee. Everyone loves to ask about your relationship status, and gossip about such things. "We should catch up," they always say, and I can never quite tell whether it's out of habit or sincerity. There are illusions of friendships.

Then when needs come up you realise, actually, it makes no difference whether you have "friends" or not.  That's reality - every man is an island. There you go, friendships are hollow and I am cynical.

Therapy

I'm angry and am in the process of writing short stories about you, and you, and you.

Writing is a "real" form of therapy, for a range of psychoneurotic disorders apparently. I quite like the quote below - obsessive ruminations in the small hours of the night describes me so perfectly and poetically.

"Quite what happens when near-obsessive ruminations, which frequently take place in the small hours of the night, are committed to paper is difficult to describe. It does feel as if the trap door of a mental treadmill has been opened to allow persecutory thoughts to escape. Though the accompanying feelings may persist for a time, the thoughts begin to integrate or dissipate or reach some constructive resolution." - Anonymous

Clinical school

I started thinking about my choice of clinical school during the start of exam prep this time. Every clinical school gives similar but different teaching, different timetables and schedules. We hear of the greater competition in metro hospitals, more tutorials, more assessment preparation, giving their students obvious clues as to what the exam topics are. Then looking around our own group of students in rural, everyone is relatively relaxed, lazy at times. And I was pondering whether we're missing out, whether rural clinical school was a good thing for my learning. People often ask me whether B was my first choice, and why would I want to live in a "small country town" (it's not that small). Well, throughout this past week, I was reminded of some of the reasons that I chose come to RCS.

Studying with other people doing the same thing is fun. There was always someone ready to practice history taking and physical exam during the study break. Asking each other questions and talking med throughout the day after day, I realised I could remember things that I wouldn't be able to remember by staring and yawning at a textbook. Then during our written exam we were given lollies, water, pencils and an eraser. And in the OSCE we didn't wait a particularly long time because there were only fifteen students in our year here altogether versus say, over fifty students. Then there were those shared dinners, an outing to the playground and lake the day before exams, a fun game of "Mr Squiggle" on the morning of our OSCE, and classmates to tell you "don't stress you just need to get an average sort of mark, you just want to be a GP." Haha okay, I feel great now. This exam period was the most fun one I've had at uni, partly because it's weighted lightly and largely because of the good company.

I never got to know many classmates well, and made less than a handful of people who I would call friends in the first two and a half years of university. I found it difficult how everyone was coming and going, and lived all over M. So that was one reason for RCS, to live with and get to know a few fellow med students better. And it has been a joy to study, live, hang out with the people here (except the days when I'm grumpy or people are particularly annoying). And I love my group.

And I remember mum saying, maybe you'll like rural because it'll be more like living in D. That's been surprisingly true too. Yesterday I was in M and just realised how noisy the CBD is, how did I ever fall asleep living next to the tram line, hospital (with ambulances) and fire station? Then the traffic jams looked horrible. Then I thought smaller places are much nicer places to live, it's quiet and everyone is accessible within 10 minutes with a car. I do miss my night strolls through M though. I like the shops here because it reminds me of the main shopping centre in D. I love my church here too.

Half a year ago, I had no idea what we would do in clinical school. What do you mean you just talk to patients?? Then the students in the years above us said that they prefer clinicals over preclinicals because you "see real patients", "it's more relevant" and "it's more hands on". And because nearly everyone I talked to said that, I was determined not to like clinical school for the same reasons as everyone else haha.

But I enjoyed this semester - I enjoyed the study content, the small-ish hospital where everyone looks familiar, the place I live and the people around me. I was happy most of the time. Maybe because of these things I'm taking a greater interest in reading and learning med, in learning to be a doctor. I'm glad to have chosen B.

I'm thankful to God for leading me, and helping me to make decisions at each step of this course (and beyond). I believe God was with me during that year in S - teaching me to accept times of solitude, helping me finish the research project and report quite completely although there was a lack of good supervision, helping me to find a lovely host family, preparing for these years with a good med student fellowship, giving lots of opportunities to share God's love with those around me, and two trips across the seas to my hometown, to get to know my extended family better. Who can say for sure where and how God's hand were on these things, but I know having a relationship with him aligns my thoughts, my heart, my purpose with his. And God does act.

I think after a few more month, on hindsight, I will see the plans you have for me here more clearly too.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28

Come on, have a drink

Question 1: Do you want a drink. No thanks. And when you ask 5 minutes later the answer will still be no. And when you ask next week, next month, I'm still going to answer no. No, no, no.

Question 2 (worse than question 1): Why? Come on, I've only lived here for nearly half a year. I've had this asked by someone or the other at nearly every social event, or just evenings in the lounge, whenever alcohol is involved. And I've always given the same answers.

Question 3 (worse still): Why not? Come on, have a drink. It tastes good, it'll make you feel good, there's barely any alcohol in it, you can hardly taste it, see, even so and so is drinking (insert other persuasive comments).

We've been through this. I don't need to repeat myself. Let me describe why I don't accept drinks in detail.

Physical factors
1. I don't drink because genetically I don't process alcohol well.
2. I don't like the hot face and sleepiness that I get with half a glass of wine.
3. I looked in the mirror when I had a flushed face and found it hideous, I especially don't want to drink when I want to take photos - yes it's vain and superficial, but so be it.
4. I am a curious cat and sip drinks from time to time - especially back in the college days. I've never found a good tasting drink, and although some cocktails are nice, they would taste better without the alcohol content (if it tasted so good you don't need all the sugar, fruit and colours to cover up the alcohol content)

Social factors
1. I don't care anymore that everyone else enjoys it, that it acts a social lubricant. I'm aware that I have less common ground with others because of this, but I don't need to take something that I don't enjoy, I don't need to be someone I'm not.
2. I can have a laugh, be relaxed, silly, enjoy your company without sharing drinks.
3. Slowly over the years I've made up my mind on the matter, I know who I am so I don't need to be a sheep, I'm not ashamed to be different.

Value factors
1. I don't want to drink anywhere near the amount that is needed to get drunk because you can do things or have things done to you that you would regret - that's not wise.
2. I don't want to get drunk, addicted and such because it doesn't please God.

Basically I don't enjoy it and I don't like the effects. I'm ok with good natured offers of drinks and even questions about why I don't drink. But when I've answered your questions, and made it clear that I've made a decision about this matter, please don't ask again and again, and please don't push the matter or (especially) make disrespectful comments about me not participating in these acitivites.

Performance and new friends :)

 

(Sorry nothing amazing here, we're all from the beginner's / intermediate classes!)

Previously I mentioned the Lindy Hop lessons I joined. The past 2 weeks has really been an exciting journey, all in preparation for the performance on Monday night. To think, everything for that two and a half minutes on stage! It was physically exhausting but fun to rehearse for hours nearly every second night. To reach home by midnight, sometimes after prata for supper, and then knock out on my bed (but to my horror I still had insomnia over the weekend) and wake up with sore arms, legs and backs. Added bonuses of photo shoot, experimenting with the other girl's extensive collection of make up, and various suppers and talks throughout the process. Ah it was memorable and I'll miss it!

I'm glad to have met all of you. JY for learning to dip and hold properly for Russian kick and not dropping me on the floor, and always prompting us all to go for supper. R & M - one amusing memory is when you two were demonstrating something then JY said "what dance  move is that...? oh you're just holding hands". G & X with your hidden singing talents too. D the cool Asian kid who can't speak Chinese and has smooth hair that a girl would envy. R the big eyed girl from whom I found out a pharmacy course exists at this university. YL, the dancer who reminds me of a Chinese actress and only much later did I find out she too was a medical student! YB, the only girl lead with a magician hat and a pro makeup kit. YT & LT whose names I couldn't figure out which was which until YT did the "eating" hand action. Too bad we've only just met and it's time to say goodbye, thanks for sharing this journey!

Interestingly I also discovered things about hobbies, dance and beauty. That hobbies are good things to share and enjoy in life. Yet if I'm not careful they can take up all of my time and thoughts that I don't seek God as much, and lose focus of my real purpose, and forget how brief life is.

Before I joined dance I prayed and considered how God sees it. You might be surprised to find the number of articles Google finds when you type in dance and Bible. I learnt that "the earth is the Lord's, and everything in it" (1 Cor 10:26) including dance, music and beauty. Yet because of human nature good things are often corrupted - beauty, instead of drawing praise to God's creation, draws people towards sin and obsession. Even in our concert the "costumes" of some dance groups were glaringly provocative that most girls including myself, would instinctively know what exactly a guy would be staring at. Make up and dressing up is fun but to judge beauty only by body shape or physical features, or to pursue it obsessively undoubtedly causes much insecurity, and futility in chasing physical perfection and youth.

Through dance, I understood better the choice and responsibility God gives his children - that in many areas of daily living and hobbies there is no clear do's and don'ts. Rather, "everything is permissible - but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others." (1 Cor 10:23) and we keep in mind that whether we "eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble - whether Jews, Greeks, or the church of God." (1 Cor 10:31-32) For myself and for my brothers, I chose a lively instead of sensual style of dance. Remembering all I do is for the glory of God, I'm also aware not to flirt or seek the attention of guys where I have no intention for a relationship (would be selfish rather than seeking the good of others).

"Yes, the world cheapens and prostitutes beauty, making it all about a perfect figure few women can attain. But Christians minimize beauty, too, or over-spiritualize it" - Stasi Eldredge
 
Remembering that everything on earth is the Lord's also means I can give thanks for the friendships, fun, joy and beauty of dance. Just as I can give thanks for the gift of drawing, and relaxation in playing piano, I can give thanks for the wonder of dancing to the music, being able to jump and turn with improving coordination. That I can smile at the colourful dresses of girls and the suspender costumes for guys. God is the creator of females and our beauty, he is a great artist and the creator of breath-taking scenes like shooting stars. May he be seen and praised when we appreciate beauty, may he be praised and thanked when we dance.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." - Col 3:17

Death is real

I was watching another one of those stupid zombie shows - movies that make light of killing and death. Soon after heard the news (click for news on TV) of our high school classmate who died in a car crash. Deaths and road accidents here and there every day, but shocking and unreal when it's someone who went to school with, saw daily, talked to, teased, grew up with. One who barely turned 21, attending uni and probably facing exam periods like most of us. How dare death just end everything?

The article disappoints me with it's brief and cold description. Then I'm moved, realising road toll statistics and morbidity data are not mere numbers. Behind each number there is a life, a family, a circle of friends, a story. Disease and death are so de-personalised in medicine. Oh that I would always see life, death, disease as a compassionate human being, not a med student for whom these are simply topics of study.

Only in death do we realise that life is a gift. To all of his classmates and friends, it's a shock that such a thing could happen. Death is real and inevitable, happening to anyone at anytime. Even at the prime of our youth when we feel that we have forever to dream, to pursue interests, to enjoy life. A fear that anyone, even those in our own circles, can be taken without warning. When we consider the end, how does it change our perspective of life? How do we live meaningfully, purposefully? When we dream, have hopes for and plans for the future, for holidays, for travel, career, love, marriage, children... surely we need to be humble in acknowledging we are not in control.

Now listen, you who say "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. (James 4:13-14)

Let's be humble before our Lord God. Let's not pretend that we are gods of our lives, that if we can plan and make our own success, happiness, even meaning.

God, why don't you warn us individually? Why allow such suffering on families, such a heaviness in the hearts of friends? How would I continue to have faith and trust if this was my best friends, my dear family? If such was the case.. I would be mouring and crying out to God in despair and desperation, asking why why why! instead of considering life and existance like this. I believe God grants us wisdom when we ask, but don't think we can ever fully comprehend suffering and death completely. As it is here are my thoughts.

I had a sudden awareness that many of my friends do not know God, with confusion and sorrow I asked: God where is your love and mercy, how can you bear to see anyone perish, why will you not save all?! Then I caught a glimpse of why God's heart yearns for us to turn to him. He does not want to see a single person perish. Yet he gives us free will, to chose how we live our current life, to choose whether we love him and want to spend eternity with him.

How do we know he loves and yearns for us? Before we knew him "everything was done so you would come" - as the lyrics go. God prepared a way for us to be in his holy presence despite us choosing to ignore him, choosing to be our own gods or follow idols like money and power, choosing "freedom" that is actually sin that brings us destruction, choosing blatant evil. That's why Jesus came: "for God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) He takes no delight in punishing. "As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign Lord, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live." Ezekial 33:11

Death is disruptive, it's unnatural - and was not so before sin came into the world. And God has "set eternity in the hearts of men" (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

For non-Christian friends, do you feel comfortable with the fact that your life will end one day? Do you know where you are going? Do you live in denial of death? Knowing life is brief, is it enough to hedonistically "eat, drink and be merry" and not consider the end?

As Christians, do we truly not only believe, but obey God - loving him with all our heart, strength and mind, and finding ways to serve him wherever we are? And do we have a heart to share with those who have not had the same opportunity to hear the "good news"?

For us all: how will we live purposefully and meaningfully, how will our priorities change, how will we be different to each of our friends and loved ones? Let the death of a friend not be in vain, but touch us deeply, sharpening our perspective and motivate us all to live "better" lives.

edit// here is the more recent, less cold and more human news article