Ongoing

In no particular order:

Section A

I've thought alot about it this week. The time, and resources I would happily give, if it was before. But it's not the same. Of course I've known that for a long time but still don't understand your unwillingness to be open and clear, when we knew each other so well and talked so easily. Not hating you for being loyal, but for your mixed messages. What can you possibly mean by saying you care, and never initiate conversation. How do I interpret you wanting distance, then wanting "occasional" good chats. That time, we talked about having to celebrate our twenty firsts. Then you promised to catch up, saying of course it matters. But it doesn't.

Being in the same city can be far away, when you want it to be that way. You, and that other bro, are the same. Pretending to be old friends, but only there when it's convenient. "I'm quite busy" - I genuinely believed it. I'm good at believing excuses and lies. But now that it's been months, a year or more, it just means to me sorry I can't be bothered to make time, that I prefer to be surfing FB than to see you. Hate to realise it, but we always have time for friends that matter.

Section B

The learning is great. But it's a matter of perspective, on the social interactions. Some weeks are good, and some aren't so. The opportunity is that without a cosy nest, it frees you to mingle with those who are older, younger, alone, different, or just don't really belong - the people who I used to ignore when I had my nest. And leaves plenty of lunches to spend one on one with people outside. But other times, like this time, I feel that it's really going nowhere all semester and that doesn't look like it's going to change. I can't help but hear a mental snigger every time we talk about this place being welcoming. Sorry, about being judgmental. To me it seems that they will politely converse with you, if you look for them to, but save the real conversations, laughs, with the insiders. If you speak the same lingo, have the right connections, then your social calendar will be filled with gatherings and dinners, but if you're not, you will never be invited. It's petty but we all have feelings. If you're inside, you will be given roles as time goes by, and if you're not, I suppose you don't meet the criteria of popularity, which is strangely associated with your commitment. Good thing is you learn to do, quietly, the way it should be done. Maybe if you were pretty, cute, or handsome, and available, they would converse with more interest? Yes I suppose there's no point getting to know someone with whom you have no romantic potential, and anyone who is paired clearly has more than enough in terms of their social needs.

Mmm, that's terribly cynical. Some weeks I am thankful, optimistic even, that this is the place to be. But this time, when I'm meant to be thankful I just feel discontent. And it's sad, knowing that this is supposed to be a hospitable family and be a great symbol of love. If only for the social aspect, the dance class group, or any random club, can be better family than this. I long to be elsewhere, but I do remember that I have a task here, and I will know when it's time to fly away again.