Doubles in December - part two

Two weddings

I attended two weddings in December.

"When you get to my age, everyone is getting married, buying HDBs (apartments), and having babies!"

Been hearing that, in various forms, for several years. Then, it's a strange thing when you start getting your first few wedding invites from friends. More surprised still, to hear about the number of weddings that were happening in these short holidays after graduation, even just amongst those in my year level. One which you have been hearing about since she started planning her wedding - who to (and not to) invite, the dress, the location, the music, the reception, the dance lessons, and more. Another coursemate who is getting married to a wealthy plastics registrar (but her family is already rich anyway). Still another, entering into an arranged marriage and with attending friends discussing whether they should wear a sari for the occasion. Not to mention waiting in the line to collect my gown and overhearing about a classmate who had proposed on graduation day itself, viewing photos of a dance friend's pre-wedding photo shoot at their new apartment in the following week, then unexpectedly receiving an overjoyed text on Christmas eve from an old friend - "she said yes!!!"

On committment

Whilst waiting for the bride:

A: Aww, he (the groom) must be feeling nervous, standing there.

B: Why would he be? What do you mean?

A: He will be wondering whether she will show up.

B: You mean if she will be late? Or not turn up on purpose? Surely if you are getting married you should know that the person is going to be there...

A:Well, I know of someone who it's happened too. She changed her mind and didn't turn up. Then they had another ceremony a year later!

I laughed. I guess though, it is no easy committment. For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. Maybe it shocks me a little to hear the exchange of vows - I can't help think, really?? What difficult words to utter, to mean from your heart, and to live by for the rest of your life! What solemn promises made before the witness of family, friends, and God himself!

Glory to God

We were friends since the first few weeks of university. The three of us had fun times. I remember a time when we heard that one of the other residents had thrown out his laptop; instead of asking for it, they waited til evening came and invited me to join them in hunting for the goods. So after laughing as we dug through multiple garbage bins (!!), for where we lived there were a full line of red and yellow topped bins, we recovered not only a working laptop, but a nice CD player with speakers too. But.

Even on that occasion, though none of us knew the owner well, he just knew somehow that "New Folder" on this laptop's front page must be porn. He reasoned, well what else would you call it? And he was right, to my disgust. He was often curious about what sensitive exams we had learnt during our course. For awhile he went to casino regularly and annoyed me by influencing others around him. He used to flirt, have so many crushes, write about them, talk about them, chase them.

And he had no interest in God. It must be for a girl, I teased, when he said he started going to church. And so it was. But what I was really surprised at, was that it became a deep committment to seeking and obeying God. What transformation there was, in his approach to friends, to relationships, to marriage, in his speech, and in how he started to prepare for his role as a godly husband. How very strange but joyful it was, to see their wedding ceremony proclaim so clearly, the glory of God. To see God's grace and forgiveness in restoring a relationship with this friend who (like us all) used to live defiant opposition to him.

During the ceremony, we sang hymns of God's greatness, saw the church family which he had become a part of, and was reminded that it is God's help which will see them through their committment when inevitably, difficulties arise. In many ways, the ceremony emphasised that more than a union to make oneself or even one another happy, as with other aspects of Christian living, marriage has the primary purpose of bringing glory to God.

On groomsmen, traditions, and miscellaneous thoughts

Seeing the lovely line of bridesmaids and groomsmen lined up for photos, I thought, oh no what a lop-sided gender balance there is amongst my close friends. What if I can't think of a girl whom I can have as a bridesmaid? Would it be inappropriate to have a bridesman? Probably. Later I remembered that almost all my school (primary and secondary) friends are girls. But I still stopped to think about why there have been so few close girl friends years after high school. Maybe I will save those reflections for another day.

Sometimes I wonder why conventional weddings are the way they are. Why church weddings with priests and prayers if you would never attend on a regular week? I suppose some look to traditions when faced with significant life events such as births, weddings and deaths. Why buy an expensive white dress which you could never wear, unless you plan to get married more than once? Do people actually practice the wedding day kiss? What happens if you serve fairy bread and hot dogs instead of the normal banquet? And how about the cake?

W: Instead of having a cake, I will have a block of cheese, with a rat inside! Which will run around after I cut it.

C: What if you cut the rat? I'm going to have a pie with a magpie. And the bird will fly away.

W & C: Heheheheh.

How many have you loved

Who, what, when, where, why. I would not have been impressed with this guy's smooth talk if I had asked the same question, "how many have you loved?"

I've sang it countless times in song lyrics, in English, in Chinese, and more. Wrote it out once, maybe twice, in an indirect, roundabout way. How far along a relationship do you first start to say "I love you", we discussed, in our lovely but not so productive group study session - which ended up to be a delicious feast of Korean fried chicken with pear salad, mango and grapes, jelly and flavoured seaweed, and lots of random chit chats. I can't remember ever having said those three words aloud, ever. Really?! That's so weird. 

Anyway, I thought about how I would answer that question, and whether what the guy in the short film said resonated with me. Did I love at the time; and even if I did, is it fair to retrospectively say that I did or did not love, based on my thoughts about what love means now.

What is love? Oh how it changes.

As a child love was the desk buddy you blamed for something that was your own fault, but still brought your homework books to your house when you left them at school. Or a classmate who twirled red and green pipe cleaners to create a perfectly shaped heart and sweetly handed it to you for Christmas - instead of the other boy who saw what the first boy had done, and made a wonky white and yellow imitation that barely resembled a heart. Love was a poorly written piece of poetry, left beside your scooter, which you tried hard to decipher because it was barely legible, but soon gave up and forgot about shortly after. Love, was the not very academic boy teased and hated by everyone in class, who had the foresight to bravely ask you to be his primary school graduation dance partner a whole half a year (no less!) in advance. Or for some, love was the cutest and most popular guy who expressed his interest.

In high school love was the boy who asked your mother for permission, before asking you out in person. Which was a refreshing change from randomly declarations of love from people who you never spoken to, who said you were beautiful, and declared their love from behind the screen of a computer. Love was the warm and fuzzy feeling that kept you awake after your first date, of watching a movie that neither of you paid much attention to. It was not caring what this or that person said about what he looked like, what his background was, or being together, despite the frownings by the nosy adults in our community who said - you are going to be distracted in your studies. Love was having a Valentine to bring you gifts and endure the teasing of your crazy girl friends. It was drawing a lovely blinking bear in front of a rainbow, childlishly playing footsies under the table, or letting someone hold your hand for the first time.

At the same time, love was not that best friend who awkwardly swapped seats to be seated next to you on a long international flight, then in the middle of the plane trip, abruptly held his hand up and declared that you should do the same so that you could, palm to palm, see how perfectly they fitted one another. Love was not the intensity of one depressed person paired with another sad person to create waves of negative emotions which would wash over from one to the other. Or him, having long DNMs (to borrow my friend's phrase) with other girls on long phone calls, or having other fights which would result in long silences on the phone whilst you felt the time pressure of trying to prepare for your piano exams, as well as high school finals.

Later on, love was being unfortunately paired with an annoying, arrogant jerk for school work, only to later become best friends with him. Love was catching each other's eye in class, then quickly looking away and feeling giddy inside. It was never exchanging words at school, but writing a million emails back and forth, every day, about every thing. Love was having a person to make you laugh after you had a fight with your parents, or listening to his sibling conflicts at home. Love was well, sort of nerdy. Getting through the final part of high school together, studying and racing to solve mathematic problems on practice exams, outdoing one another in assessments, seeing each other at the library every day during study week and pouring water on his head every time he took a drink at the water fountain. Or (get ready for more nerdiness) receiving clues via a message encoded in a series of matrices and colour codes. Love was the fun of changing your profile picture and screen names to be the same so that all your friends were confused. Or the awesome delight of receiving a creatively carved block of cheese, in the shape of a rat!

Love was being relentlessly pursued for years though you had laughed at him, offended him, when he first told you how he felt. Love made the high school formal magical, and made you dance happily until midnight, though your friends had left hours earlier. Love was saying goodbye for a year, waiting and hoping that the lyrics of (Guang Liang's) 童话 and 约定 would really come true. But fairytales are fairytales for a reason, ha ha. Love was going through many seasons thereafter as good friends, listening to each other's new love problems, but that would also end one day.

In a brand new city, love was the boy who shared his breakfast with you, and many meals thereafter. Love was filling an emptiness in one another, until the world seemed to only contain the two of you - only later do you realise how you each had neglected to invest in other friendships, interests and hobbies, to your detriment. Love was exploring the city, learning to do daily chores, and helping each other to get by with living away from home for the first time; vacuuming, laundry, dishes and all those mundane things in life. Love was not - having that closeness, then not acknowledging it by calling it, just friends.

Love was confiding secrets in one another, caring for one another, having someone to sit by you when you are delirious with fever. Love was staying overnight at the airport, so that he could pick you up early in the morning, and leaving you a lovely surprise in the fridge upon your return. Or the thoughtfulness of making a home-made drink out of green tea ice cream for you because you loved it so, and prettily completing the drink with bubble tea pearls and bright green mint leaves. Love was being taken to the highest mountain, or highest buildings in the city, looking out on a beautiful sunset, then being showered with multiple cakes, surprises, long road trips, and expensive gifts. Yet soon realising that you can have beautiful scenes and even beautiful times, but that doesn't always equate to a beautiful relationship. Love was a warm hug, but then seeing, how love was not a valid excuse for lust. Love was, sitting through church services with you every Sunday, and even taking notes; then perhaps realising, love was not about trying to meld two sets of values that were worlds apart. Never being able to agree on the fundamentals about what life and love was about - all that would do was make one another unhappy, or compromise on the essence of who we were.

As college students, love was about being crazy. Running around and literally chasing one another down the corridor, down the street. Having your headband and shoes stolen, and plotting revenge by throwing his shoe outside the window, or apple pieces into the principal's courtyard beneath his balcony. Hiding in the wardrobe and jumping out to scare the other person, smashing the table tennis ball at one another's faces, play fighting and choking one another. Then, love was about the quieter times too - talking until early hours of the morning, walking around the graveyard, learning from the Bible together, praying and asking God for help, and memorably, love was about honestly pointing out something wrong in your life. Love was crazily intoxicating, but it is not about being blind to how you hurt others in the process. Neither was love about taking a huge leap before you take a good long look, and think about what you were doing. Love, it seemed, was the long period of harmony at the begininning; until a year had passed and you saw that it was merely the sweetness that marked the first stage of a relationship.

Back in high school, I would show an interested guy this poem, which would basically ask whether he liked me or liked the notion and feeling of being in love. I would never have admitted it, but perhaps for many years, I too often confused the two. It seemed that anyone who came along the way was suitable enough as long as there was that buzz, or as long as they were totally, "my zing" (Hotel Transylvania, terrible movie). It took me a long time to realise that it's very inadequate not to be able to give specific reasons as to why you like someone - you have to look a bit harder, take a bit more time to work out who they are, whether there is something special, compatible, worthwhile pursuing, beyond the delusional feelings which would fade one day.

I agree with the guy on WongFu productions, how "the final" would contain bits of everything - the crazy times, the fun times, the mutual care, the hopes, learning together, getting through daily life, and more. But, with so many silly and strange ideas about love over the years, after seeing all that love is not, who would really want their final person to embody everything that they found in all their previous "loves"?? Looking back you wonder, how could I ever have thought this or that was true love. Then you wonder, would I mock myself with the same question if I looked back from the future, to where I am now?

What does the picture of love look like in my mind, now?

Life, not love

It's about life, not love.

It was and is my dad's favourite line. Probably mum's too. Not that I was ever a hopeless romantic. But as teenagers do, you half listen and half think, how cold is that? Maybe that's how things worked in your times, but... just a bit outdated! They never tire of repeating the phrase. Whether we are sitting back lazily on the bed in our new house, in a quiet evening stroll beside the sea-facing resort pool in Bali, or chugging along a bumpy train in China. More and more this year, I have been thinking about this phrase, weighing up its truth, its value.

A: We did all the corny things that couples do, just sitting and holding hands. Beach, mountains, sunsets. It was nice, like being on drugs, all the time.
B: Or having a mental illness.
A: Now we see couples and laugh at them, ha. Well, you can't have that forever, the feeling fades. Unless you start a new relationship.
B: I guess you can't do that indefinitely.
A: Yeah, and it will never be the same as the first one.
A: He used to really love me, doing all the sweet things. He says all the right things now but...
B: He could do more?

Despite that, they are getting married this year.

We too laugh at young couples. Couples making out on open grass, blissfully oblivious to the other users of the busy park. Those glued tightly next to one another, so much so that they bump one another awkwardly and walk down the street in zig zags. The two in an adjacent table looking intently into each other's eyes, holding hands across the table, with an endless flow of soft sweet words and laughter. I guess they weren't too interested in the meal itself. Meanwhile, I eat in silence - looking intently at my mouth-watering, spicy crispy pork ribs, picturing how delicious another bite would be. Friends celebrating their one month, one and a half month, two months, three months, one hundred day anniversaries; that's nice, I say, but what I'm really thinking is, with that plus Christmas, Valentine's Day, birthdays and more, how many presents and special meals can you manage to buy in a year?!

As fire in a fireplace changes from hungry flames to a quieter glow, changes in relationships are inevitable. Perhaps necessary, because reality can't be held off forever. How quickly the buzz which is often called "love" gives way to "life". Doing life. Living with each other's imperfections, and somehow reconciling a growing realisation of differences in personality, backgrounds, interests, communication styles, ways of thinking, ways of feeling, basically everything. In handling daily life with studies, work, careers, household chores, church, children, property, finances, and more.

Life not love.

Mum and dad, is that what you meant? But, in a way, marriage is about love, as much as it is about life. Love, not the intoxicating feeling, but a quieter, selfless love that lasts and sees through the challenges of life. Also, I'm not old or cynical enough to agree with you completely just  yet - a little craziness, not every day not even every week, but once in awhile, would be nice.


(Started drawing the original version of this whilst jotting down sermon notes!)

Multiple sclerosis

I am reading about the disease and thinking about the long case I did today. Just as the intern promised, he was the nicest patient. We talked about the multiple sclerosis, and how he coped at home. Sitting there he looked fairly well.

Then when the physiotherapist came and asked him to do some exercises, I suddenly realised how debilitating the disease was. The slow unsteady steps of an otherwise healthy, middle aged man, in walking down the corridor. The stiffness of the affected arm, and inability of the fingers to open or close. The immense difficulty in moving from the chair to the bed, lifting the entire weight of his "buggered" leg with his good arm, then the difficulty again in getting out of bed. I would prefer an amputated leg (below knee though). It's hard to appreciate the convenience, in us who have four working limbs that move the way we want them to.

We discussed multiple sclerosis earlier on, how its progression is scarily unpredictable. How it doesn't really get better - even some cancers have the potential to be cured. It's great though, that there are medicatiions to slow the progression of disease. At least this man sounded like he had a stable and supportive relationship with his wife and grown up children. Compared to other patients with multiple social issues - with questionable partners, being parents of young children, those who had mood issues along with their physical illnesses. Having family members around, and being connected with people who care is so important. Seeing the key role of spouses being the carer for so many of the patients we see, we often joke about  how important it is to find someone who will honour their marriage vows - in sickness and in health. I guess that also often makes us reflect whether we would be able to take care of our spouse if they had a serious chronic condition. It's so easy to say when you're in love, isn't it?

Side note: whilst looking up "vows" I came across Vows Now, wow there's all sorts of interesting stuff. Short three minute ceremonies and if you want, everyone including the celebrant will wear fancy dress party themed costumes...

Flames and burning coal

Once upon a time the highs and lows came in abundance. The excitement of getting to know each other, the conversations that drag late into the night, having (or perceiving to have) so much in common, the fluttering heart and butterflies when you "accidentally" meet each other in the corridor, the ecstasy of just holding hands, and the purring contentment of simply being near the other person. On the other hand there were the tears of parting, even for a ridiculously short period of time, the uncertainty of what he really thinks, and the endless angst of waiting for messages or phone calls. The first flames, infatuations, are deceptive, you're adamant that the person is so perfect when you've only known them for a few days. How hilarious. (It's ok, I'm mocking myself too.)

Familiarity changes relationships - from sweet words to hurtful arguments, admiration to contempt. Fine, let's not be cynical, there are good changes too. The rollercoaster ride of romance turns into a valuable friendship, someone with a deep understanding of your thoughts, feelings, tone and moods.

A parallel to my relationship to God. The first time I started understanding the words of the Bible, saw depth in the layers of meaning, listened to God's words spoken and realised how true! how relevant to everyday life! how wise! - do you know, that was as refreshing, as fascinating as the start of a new relationship. Once in awhile I really saw God's words as his "love letter" to us. The first experiences of God's presence in times of turmoil, opening my eyes to God's grace when I've sinned, experiencing changes in my character that even my family were surprised to see - that left such a deep, moving impression on my spirit.

Yet now, I'm finding the enthusiasm harder to come by. Hate to say it (because it sounds disgustingly arrogant) but sometimes I read and think, well I've only read about the Christmas story, the account of the crucifixion, the letter to the to the Corinthian church like a million zillion times. What can I possibly learn. Then, when I think about which book of the Bible to spend my reading time on I sometimes can't help think - if only there were new books in the Bible I haven't read before, that would be so much more exciting.

I've always loved church and fellowship, and couldn't understand why some Christians avoid it when loving, learning, and serving together with fellow believers is clearly how God wants his family to live. And not only that, meaningful fellowship is such a blessing. Yet this week I thought, I am so tired I don't want to go to church. Why do I have to go. These months I often have problems listening with my heart in sermons because I sigh and think I know this passage well, I've heard the concepts and teachings before. (But yes, as long as I haven't put everything perfectly into practice, I would do well to listen attentively.) Then when I went to fellowship the other day prayer made me groan inside "oh no, why is this so long, boring and repetitive."

What did Jesus say to churches who endured life threatening persecution but lost their "first love"?

You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. - Revelations 2:3-4

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! - Revelations 3:15

But I know (or doubt sometimes, but I still believe more than I doubt) you are God, you are real, your words have power. I know you give me purpose, joy, mental stability. It troubles me deeply to be lethargic towards something that is my passion, but enthusiastic or not I will try to honour my commitment to you, seeking you as you have sought me.

"We shouldn't expect a relationship with God to remain on a constant plane all the time. Not long ago I celebrated my sixty-fifth wedding anniversary. Believe me, when you've been married that long, you don't stay on a plane of ecstasy all the time. Romance starts as a blazing bonfire - you know, 'You light up my life.' After a few decades it settles into something more like a heap of glowing coals. Sure, some of the heat dissipates, but coals are good, too; you can roast marshmallows, or warm your feet. A different level of companionship opens up." - Vernon, in Prayer by Philip Yancy

Indeed, in front of the fireplace is a good place to start contemplating about the changing flames in a relationship.

Fireproof

Fireproof was a great film. It's great to see a well made, thoughtful Christian film bringing into life messages of marriage and families in a way that's relevant for both Christian and non Christians, young adults and married couples. I'll include some of my favourite quotes from the film.


For better or worse

Nearing the end of uni life, and with some of our friends starting families already, we're at that stage in life when we start thinking about life partners and marriage. Hollywood movies and songs often give skewed views of love. Songs casually throw around the words "永远" (forever). Surely you know Taylor Swift's "Love Story" - ah the happy ending of a marriage proposal.

 "The sad part about it is, when most people promise for better or for worse, they really only mean for the better."


Difficulties and commitment

"Fireproof doesn't mean the fire will never come. It means when the fire comes that you will be able to withstand it."

Weddings are such happy occasions. But watching Fireproof made me sigh at how difficult marriage is - familiar breeding ungratefulness, the alluring attention of third parties (or colleagues in the hospital...), the stresses and pressures of work and everyday life. But if we stop to think, we see much of this in our own families, in families around us. Do we really understand what marriage is about? If parents aren't great examples, if we don't listen to the life stories and counsel of older generations, how are we to understand the magnititude of a lifelong committment? How will we learn how to stay married when times are difficult? There is no perfect man - he will disappoint, fall, sin, hurt, at some stage. If informed consent is needed for medical procedures, it should be required for marriage too. Like the comical analogy my friend gave about people baptising without understanding what's happening:

"Its like grabbing a bunch of people and randomly marrying them, and shortly after saying oh sorry. Or not even saying just knowing that it meant nothing."


The 40 days love dare

Oh how different is the world of dating! My classmates were discussing how statistics show many married couples have sex less than once a week, but how dating couples were having sex "all the time". Ironic that the gift meant for marriage is often seen as more exciting outside marriage. It's incredible the amount of energy young couples take to spend together, how much thought goes into buying presents for dates, how many words are spent on declaring their love for one another.Yet it's too much energy for more long term couples to even speak kindly to each other. And is it a wonder that the couple in the film felt the "feeling" was gone after those years of marriage. Sparks come and go, but with good communication, some thoughtfulness, much patience and forgiveness (need God for this) I'm guessing it's possible to "fall in love" many times with the man or woman you marry.

"When a man is trying to win the heart of a woman, he studies her. He learns her likes, dislikes, habits and hobbies. But after he wins her heart and marries her he often stops learning about her. lf the amount he studied her before marriage was equal to a high school degree, he should continue to learn until he gains a college degree, a master's degree and ultimately, a doctorate degree."

In the name of love

It's amazing how love can be twisted. It's amazing how twisted lust is.

In the name of love, David, the man after God's own heart, committed his greatest sin. He found Bathsheba beautiful, slept with her, and she became pregnant. David tried to cover what he had done by calling Bathsheba's husband back from war, and suggesting he should go home to lie with his wife. When that plan failed, David purposely sent him to the frontline of the battle, so that he would be killed. Then he took Bathsheba and married her. (2 Samuel chapter 11)

David's son Amnon fell in love with his beautiful half sister Tamar. He became "frustrated to the point of illness" that "she was a virgin, and it seemed impossible for him to do anything to her." He pretended to be ill and tricked her to come to him, then grabbed her against her will and slept with her. He then hated her with intense hatred, he hated her more than he had loved her. (2 Samuel chapter 13)

It takes a long and gradual process to see love for what it should be. The world suggests love is about an uncontrollable passion, a thirsting desire and overwhelming emotion. Do we admire a love so great that it will scheme and kill for love without consideration for anyone else? What about a boy and girl who love at first site and can't help but physically express their passion for each other? Unconsciously, are we pleased to see the married woman run away and be reunited with her childhood love? Are these not the heros and heroines we admire in movies, TV dramas and novels? Are these not the lives of our Shakespearean characters Romeo and Juliet, Othello and Desdemona?

In the name of love we sin and accept sin. But feelings and passions should be under the guidance of unselfishness, perserverance, self control and ultimately, holiness. Is that not what distinguishes love and lust?

Love: two choices

If you had two choices, would you rather:

1. A passionate, all consuming love like Heathcliff's; dramatic, with times of sweetness, times of bitterness and haunting pain.

OR

2. A selfless, good and constant love, like that of Mr Linton.

Wuthering Heights was one of those books that would sit on my bookshelf for years. I would attempt to read it from time to time, but never made it past the first page. But actually, it was a fascinating and engrossing story. Classics are classics for a reason.

On a side note, why are novels considered academic, and a more wholesome form of entertainment than say, movies and magazines? In the days before television, were these books, full of scandals and drama, not equivalent to today's soap operas?

Who are you?

Children dressed in white,
Twirling hand in hand,
Innocently at a park.

A woman with painted lips,
A silky silhouette
Moving in the moonlight.

An addictive needle,
Painful and destructive;
Yet unable to live without it.

Best friends whispering secrets,
Sitting side by side,
Sharing and giggling.

A thirsty, weed-filled garden,
Unable to tend to itself,
Draining a lake.

A warm, cozy blanket
Sheltering another,
In true selflessness.

Are these faces all yours?
Or is love one name
For many distinct things?

Love is not an excuse to be possessive, to not let go, to act without thought and rationale, to not see others and the world around you, to be trapped in hopelessness and not pick yourself up. To be like this is not sweet, and is not to love too much. It is to not love at all.