Doubles in December - part two

Two weddings

I attended two weddings in December.

"When you get to my age, everyone is getting married, buying HDBs (apartments), and having babies!"

Been hearing that, in various forms, for several years. Then, it's a strange thing when you start getting your first few wedding invites from friends. More surprised still, to hear about the number of weddings that were happening in these short holidays after graduation, even just amongst those in my year level. One which you have been hearing about since she started planning her wedding - who to (and not to) invite, the dress, the location, the music, the reception, the dance lessons, and more. Another coursemate who is getting married to a wealthy plastics registrar (but her family is already rich anyway). Still another, entering into an arranged marriage and with attending friends discussing whether they should wear a sari for the occasion. Not to mention waiting in the line to collect my gown and overhearing about a classmate who had proposed on graduation day itself, viewing photos of a dance friend's pre-wedding photo shoot at their new apartment in the following week, then unexpectedly receiving an overjoyed text on Christmas eve from an old friend - "she said yes!!!"

On committment

Whilst waiting for the bride:

A: Aww, he (the groom) must be feeling nervous, standing there.

B: Why would he be? What do you mean?

A: He will be wondering whether she will show up.

B: You mean if she will be late? Or not turn up on purpose? Surely if you are getting married you should know that the person is going to be there...

A:Well, I know of someone who it's happened too. She changed her mind and didn't turn up. Then they had another ceremony a year later!

I laughed. I guess though, it is no easy committment. For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. Maybe it shocks me a little to hear the exchange of vows - I can't help think, really?? What difficult words to utter, to mean from your heart, and to live by for the rest of your life! What solemn promises made before the witness of family, friends, and God himself!

Glory to God

We were friends since the first few weeks of university. The three of us had fun times. I remember a time when we heard that one of the other residents had thrown out his laptop; instead of asking for it, they waited til evening came and invited me to join them in hunting for the goods. So after laughing as we dug through multiple garbage bins (!!), for where we lived there were a full line of red and yellow topped bins, we recovered not only a working laptop, but a nice CD player with speakers too. But.

Even on that occasion, though none of us knew the owner well, he just knew somehow that "New Folder" on this laptop's front page must be porn. He reasoned, well what else would you call it? And he was right, to my disgust. He was often curious about what sensitive exams we had learnt during our course. For awhile he went to casino regularly and annoyed me by influencing others around him. He used to flirt, have so many crushes, write about them, talk about them, chase them.

And he had no interest in God. It must be for a girl, I teased, when he said he started going to church. And so it was. But what I was really surprised at, was that it became a deep committment to seeking and obeying God. What transformation there was, in his approach to friends, to relationships, to marriage, in his speech, and in how he started to prepare for his role as a godly husband. How very strange but joyful it was, to see their wedding ceremony proclaim so clearly, the glory of God. To see God's grace and forgiveness in restoring a relationship with this friend who (like us all) used to live defiant opposition to him.

During the ceremony, we sang hymns of God's greatness, saw the church family which he had become a part of, and was reminded that it is God's help which will see them through their committment when inevitably, difficulties arise. In many ways, the ceremony emphasised that more than a union to make oneself or even one another happy, as with other aspects of Christian living, marriage has the primary purpose of bringing glory to God.

On groomsmen, traditions, and miscellaneous thoughts

Seeing the lovely line of bridesmaids and groomsmen lined up for photos, I thought, oh no what a lop-sided gender balance there is amongst my close friends. What if I can't think of a girl whom I can have as a bridesmaid? Would it be inappropriate to have a bridesman? Probably. Later I remembered that almost all my school (primary and secondary) friends are girls. But I still stopped to think about why there have been so few close girl friends years after high school. Maybe I will save those reflections for another day.

Sometimes I wonder why conventional weddings are the way they are. Why church weddings with priests and prayers if you would never attend on a regular week? I suppose some look to traditions when faced with significant life events such as births, weddings and deaths. Why buy an expensive white dress which you could never wear, unless you plan to get married more than once? Do people actually practice the wedding day kiss? What happens if you serve fairy bread and hot dogs instead of the normal banquet? And how about the cake?

W: Instead of having a cake, I will have a block of cheese, with a rat inside! Which will run around after I cut it.

C: What if you cut the rat? I'm going to have a pie with a magpie. And the bird will fly away.

W & C: Heheheheh.

Doubles in December - part one

Two graduations

It was only in December last year that we briefly met, that you gave me five bright orange goldfish, that I was surprised to see you as a patient in clinic, that after dinner the train broke down for the rest of the night. Not long ago, I felt that it was sad how you valued all other friendships from these university years but towards me you were sporadic at best, mostly hateful actually. But somewhere between then and now, those things have lost its hold over me. Neither the dark cryptic comments and you wanting nothing to do with me, nor past memories or any positive aspects of your character which I appreciate, would affect my emotions with any intensity again.

A few years ago I remember you said, perhaps the next time we meet will be at graduation, hearing each other's names being called out in that hall. You were almost right. I never would have imagined then, that I could walk into a room and have no desire to face you, and be content with not acknowledging each other's presence. At the same time, I was sincerely happy for you, and clapped, knowing that I had both helped you and made this journey difficult for you. Time does heal after all, albeit rather slowly.

Regarding my own graduation, I guess it's supposed to be a significant event but I was just glad that the weather was not as hot as we expected it to be, that hiring gowns was a relatively straight forward process, that the gown and my dress matched relatively well, that photo taking was tolerable, that I could flip through the yearbook so I only briefly fell asleep during the ceremony, and that I didn't trip with heels whilst walking up and down the stage. The perks were probably seeing my best friends in medicine graduate together, spotting them amongst the sea of blacks and reds (sea of redback spiders), waving and hi fiving them on the way back to my seat. Also my two bouquets of flowers and cards, friends and family whom I love, and having my lovely little sister who was so excited hang out both her arms and half her torso off the balcony, to wave.

Contrary to the speeches, I don't feel there is any reason to congratulate myself about finishing the degree. These up and down years has shown me clearly that it is in God that I find any reason to live, and any strength to do what I do. Plus, I am somewhat aversive to change and just as I really really dreaded moving away from home and starting university, I feel similarly about starting work. How do you feel, to be a doctor? I feel (though there's no rational reason to really think so) sorry for whoever is going to be my patient, ha... I feel fake, and don't think that doctor title should ever be associated with my name. For the first time, I understand what the lecturer in first year said, when she talked about the imposter syndrome.

Tonight, Christmas carolling at a hospital, the familiar smells and pink de-bug bottles stirred in me (if I may borrow the phrase) a sense of impending doom. I wanted to run awayyyyy. My friend laughed and said, "you can't run away forever", and my sister gave me a big and very sympathetic hug, then proceeded to brainstorm ideas:

C: "How about you tell your teachers you quit?"
W: "Aww darling, I already finished school, I can't quit anymore haha."
C: "I know, you can leave them a nasty surpriseeee. Put a rat next to everybody's cheese, and make them scream. Then you will be fired!"
W: "I'm not sure I want to be fired..."
(after a pause) C: "Or, you could just not turn up to work."

I guess it is important to contribute to society through work, and living off others when you have the capacity to work is not living according to the word of God. Looking back at the university years too, I can be encouraged that there is joy and meaning to be found in walking with God. Even through times that I wouldn't have chosen for myself; the tiring, the draining, the confusing, the sad, the stressful, the difficult times.

What I think about during clinic - part three

5. Children

Children are often such a clear reflection of a stable, or dysfunctional family. A little girl with neatly brushed hair and clean clothes, comes in coughing, politely covering the mouth with hands or elbows. Her mother is educated, concerned, but not overly anxious. A young boy comes in, with his alcoholic mother and father who can't keep a job because he often doesn't bother to rock up for work. The mother warns the doctor about how he may swear profusely whilst the local anaesthetics injection is being administered.

There are patients who really struggle with life. Then some have kids, and lots of them. It's stressful because sleep is disrupted, the kids need to be ready for school, somebody needs to care for them when you are at work, kids get sick frequently, and so on. If parents are barely managing to care for themselves, or have one unstable marriage or relationship after another, you can't help wonder, why have so many children? (I wonder sometimes for myself too, whether I have enough mental stability to be a parent.)

On a brighter note, I'm almost always more awake when I see a child. It doesn't matter what they come in with, even if it's URTI after URTI. I don't tire of playing peekaboo twenty times in a day or sticking my tongue out at the child (only if the doctor and parents are busy talking to each other). I'm happy to lend my stethoscope as a toy. I remember how five year old C always loved to listen to bowel sounds, then would pull up her own shirt and say with a sweet smile, "do you want to listen to my tummy?" Sometimes I want to pick kids up for a cuddle but I guess that's not really part of the job of being a doctor. I did once though, and quickly realised that I should be careful with my dangling earrings and hair that isn't tied back, as naughty little babies pull at anything they see.

For years I've always said that if I wanted to do paediatrics, I might as well have done veterinary science. Like pets, children are uncooperative, plus they scream, growl, vomit and even bite you. Before my children's rotation earlier this year I had the following conversation with C.

C: Children's hospital (reading my rotation timetable on the computer screen). Do you like kids?
W: No.
C: Aww, but you like me!!
W: Yes, but I only like you!

I guess that's not so true. Although C, I only like kids because you're such a beautiful, lovely, bright, happy, funny, little girl. I only like other kids, maybe because I really miss you when I don't see you for months and months.

6. Aging

When a child pouts and throws a tantrum, or lacks insight, it's acceptable. But in a full grown adult, or elderly patient, it's distasteful. Even if the maximal mental and emotional capacity in that person, is the same as a child's. Life's not fair, is it?

The circle of life is a running theme in general practice as you see children, teenagers, young adults, progress through stages of learning to walk, run, work, drive, live on their own, be married and have children. And in the same room you see the elderly, gradually becoming unsteady on their feet, losing their memory, unable to drive, being widowed, needing to go into care because they are no longer coping. An interesting medical interpretation of Ecclesiastes from a fellow student, which made me laugh when I heard it:

Ecclesiastes 12:3-5

...when the keepers of the house tremble, (unsteady hands)
and the strong men stoop, (kyphosis)
when the grinders cease because they are few, (less teeth)
and those looking through the windows grow dim; (sight)
when the doors to the street are closed
and the sound of grinding fades; (can't remember, stopping work?)
when people rise up at the sound of birds, (insomnia)
but all their songs grow faint; (hearing)
when people are afraid of heights
and of dangers in the streets; (fear of falls)
when the almond tree blossoms
and the grasshopper drags itself along (impotence)
and desire no longer is stirred...

From dust we came, to dust we return. Entropy, sickness and death overcomes all. And seeing that each day in clinic is unsettling and frightening, knowing that neither I nor the ones I love, can escape.

(continued from Eccl 12:5)
...Then people go to their eternal home
and mourners go about the streets.

But seeing life and death is also a constant, and perhaps a much needed reminder that this is not home. Which forces us to reassess how we're spending our short life, and about exactly what we're chasing. I fell in love with this song when I heard it for the first time recently, on the way to clinic:

...Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near
What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win, we know
That pain reminds this heart,
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Dice and doors

I had been soaking in the fascinating book of Esther - enjoying short and long drives, and for once, not watching frustration rise in parallel with a longer and longer line of traffic. A series of coincidences, or is it really a series of God orchestrated events? Purim. A mockery of a worldview of chance, dice and lots? Events which resulted in God fulfilling his promise to his people, yet it is an entire book with no explicit mention of God. "Esther is meant to help us see God behind the scenes, even when it seems like he isn't there," the preacher had said.

And that evening, when my antennas for coincidences were more alert than ever, the door opened at the perfect moment. After a time of discouragement, and entertaining various thoughts about avoiding fellowship. A week when an ungracious attitude permeated through many of my daily interactions. When I seem to perpetuately dig up one thing or another to be affected by. If I listened hard enough that day, I could have heard my little sister asking me in a half joking, half exasperated tone, "why are you always sad jia jia?"

I wouldn't say it was an amazingly miraculous message from God. But it was enough to bring a smile, a little warmth, and light to the day. An invitation and encouragement to come, and a gentle reminder of a greater invitation to God's kingdom. After that small surprise, from a song we sang, I understood more clearly, about this invitation that doesn't depend on, or change, according to what I had or hadn't done.

So You Would Come - Hillsong

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
Everything was done
So you would come

Come, and recieve a love and forgiveness like that which extended to the prodigal son. Come, and have the broken hearts and broken lives transformed by the word and his blood. Into treasures, carried in jars of clay. Thank you, God, you alone know how to turn a cold heart into streams of praise:

从天父而来的爱和恩典
把我们冰冷的心溶解
让我们献出每个音符
把它化为赞美之泉

Just on a side note, Esther, the open door, and the song, also left me to ponder about chance and God (which is, in many ways, not dissimilar to dreams and God). Pondered about chance encounters, about episodes from a time past, about dreams last night which could more accurately be described as nightmares, about the timing of seeing my own hatred mirroring a hate that I could not understand previously, amongst others things.

Once upon a time there was

A little girl.

What a whirlwind of a holiday it has been. She never failed to rise at sunrise, but was always considerate enough to quietly leave the room and let me sleep in. At camp, trying to put her to sleep early in a noisy cabin of eight where everyone slept past midnight, was a challenge. Meals had to be orderly, not sporadic as it had been during the past month. But, I was pleasantly surprised how she had improved from being picky, to happily eating cuisines with strange spices and flavours. Especially when it was made clear that there would be no other food for the rest of the night.

Everything was slower. We were packing and unpacking for two, making two beds, taking twice as long to get ready every time we went out. We stopped along the way because (although she's much more energetic than me) her little legs tired more easily from long walks through the CBD. Delighted to hear that seeing the magical fresh snow on the ski fields was a "dream come true" for her, but teaching her to ski and carrying all her gear was the most exhausting activity, ever. Then her, falling into a sleep so deep that I literally had to sit her upright when dinner arrived so that she wouldn't leave the restaurant without eating. Thinking ahead of her so I could remind her to use a fork instead of fingers, to not blurt out anything about people (or cats) being fat, to not be too loud on a coach where everyone was trying to sleep. Thinking ahead so that I would have an answer that is not TV or iPad/games, to her question of "what can we do now?" When our plans had to change, when we couldn't go somewhere we had promised, I was surprised to find her to be more understanding than a grown up. Out of our long car trips, came many new or silly variations of Cinderella, Hansel and Gretel, Snow White, Three Little Pigs (or the Three Little Wolves and Big Bad Pig) and more.

Living by yourself is different, and it always takes me awhile to adjust when together with her. I was so excited about her arrival for weeks and weeks. Then felt absolutely exhausted for several days. And eventually, as I do every time, came to the conclusion that though it's a disruption to the usual routine, her presence is something positive and delightful. Perhaps that's what it feels like, to be a parent.

Precious times

Each year, the family holiday is supposed to be an investment, to gather the four of us together, to the same place, to common activities, in a situation where we're less likely to (but we still do) argue, and deepen our family ties. Thanks mum and dad, it's a wise investment.

Many holidays, we head to the town of my birth. The smog ridden city, where non smokers can have COPD from just breathing the city air, a city with food and shopping as expensive as M, but cheaper taxis, prettier neon lights, colder winters. I don't fancy the place, but that is where family is, and that's where I want to be. Because even the most beautiful seaside scenery, the most amazing mist covered mountain, the most interesting old stone buildings, the most delicious meal - well, it starts to become indistinguishable in my mind.

Not too many years back, I was often frustrated with not being able to see what I wanted to see, do what I wanted to do, because of the annoying little sister who the holiday schedule revolved around, and the control freak dad who always had to be the one to decide what we ate for each meal.

But more and more, just being with family is so much more important than eating good food, travelling, exploring (although I enjoy each of these things). Anything goes now, I'm content to travel with parents to wherever they want to go, not at all bored to be home with elderly grandparents for days and weeks, and happy to accompany my sister to play children's games, go to places where kids like to go to. Do we all need years of distance to realise that time together is precious?

Highlights!

1. Sitting with my grandparents after dinner in the lounge, munching on 瓜子 and half watching TV. Asking about thei travels, listening to stories of other family members, of how their most unusual marriage with an age difference of more than twenty years came about, about quirky old neighbours. Then having an early night every night because living with elderly people, you can't help but adopt their habits.

2. Teasing my cousins about girls. Chatting with my younger cousin til late, talking about school, relationships, family, about God. Listening to a sincere prayer, without frills, without the conventions and "standard" language we all invariably adopt after years of learning, is refreshing. And kid, for someone who's never lived overseas, your English is amazing.

3. Being silly with C. Brains. The zombies are coming, noooooo! It's not a peashooter, it's pea-ple! Teaching her 听不懂 because every adult invariably stops and asks, 听得懂吗？Laughing at her half joking and half puzzled expression as she points to a lovely little girl with perfectly dark and straight hair, commenting "why is her hair so neat, and mine so messy?" Hand claps, tic tac toe give me a high give me a low. Thumb war. Sumo wrestling. Cheater cheater pumpkin eater. I'm a rat I'm a rat I'm a furry furry rat with a looooong tail and looooong whiskers, and teeny greedy eyes, and two big yellow teeth, and I like to eat cheese and rotten eggs. Giggle giggle. Practice makes perfect! You have the funniest facial expressions, you're caring enough to be my older sister, you're affectionate to everyone and you're the most adorable little sister (I'm not little, I'm a middle sized kid) in the world.

See you soon

Your silliness, affectionate hugs, infectious laughter and quirky questions. After the recent farewell, there's really no reason to go.

But, it's you who I miss the most, always. Because neither of us can communicate well on the phone, neither of us really enjoy Skype. You're the only reason I endure sitting next to big blokes who should really be paying for two seats, and screwing up my sleep cycles by being awake in the depth of the night.

See you soon, you teeny-weeny little girl.