Doubles in December - part two

Two weddings

I attended two weddings in December.

"When you get to my age, everyone is getting married, buying HDBs (apartments), and having babies!"

Been hearing that, in various forms, for several years. Then, it's a strange thing when you start getting your first few wedding invites from friends. More surprised still, to hear about the number of weddings that were happening in these short holidays after graduation, even just amongst those in my year level. One which you have been hearing about since she started planning her wedding - who to (and not to) invite, the dress, the location, the music, the reception, the dance lessons, and more. Another coursemate who is getting married to a wealthy plastics registrar (but her family is already rich anyway). Still another, entering into an arranged marriage and with attending friends discussing whether they should wear a sari for the occasion. Not to mention waiting in the line to collect my gown and overhearing about a classmate who had proposed on graduation day itself, viewing photos of a dance friend's pre-wedding photo shoot at their new apartment in the following week, then unexpectedly receiving an overjoyed text on Christmas eve from an old friend - "she said yes!!!"

On committment

Whilst waiting for the bride:

A: Aww, he (the groom) must be feeling nervous, standing there.

B: Why would he be? What do you mean?

A: He will be wondering whether she will show up.

B: You mean if she will be late? Or not turn up on purpose? Surely if you are getting married you should know that the person is going to be there...

A:Well, I know of someone who it's happened too. She changed her mind and didn't turn up. Then they had another ceremony a year later!

I laughed. I guess though, it is no easy committment. For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. Maybe it shocks me a little to hear the exchange of vows - I can't help think, really?? What difficult words to utter, to mean from your heart, and to live by for the rest of your life! What solemn promises made before the witness of family, friends, and God himself!

Glory to God

We were friends since the first few weeks of university. The three of us had fun times. I remember a time when we heard that one of the other residents had thrown out his laptop; instead of asking for it, they waited til evening came and invited me to join them in hunting for the goods. So after laughing as we dug through multiple garbage bins (!!), for where we lived there were a full line of red and yellow topped bins, we recovered not only a working laptop, but a nice CD player with speakers too. But.

Even on that occasion, though none of us knew the owner well, he just knew somehow that "New Folder" on this laptop's front page must be porn. He reasoned, well what else would you call it? And he was right, to my disgust. He was often curious about what sensitive exams we had learnt during our course. For awhile he went to casino regularly and annoyed me by influencing others around him. He used to flirt, have so many crushes, write about them, talk about them, chase them.

And he had no interest in God. It must be for a girl, I teased, when he said he started going to church. And so it was. But what I was really surprised at, was that it became a deep committment to seeking and obeying God. What transformation there was, in his approach to friends, to relationships, to marriage, in his speech, and in how he started to prepare for his role as a godly husband. How very strange but joyful it was, to see their wedding ceremony proclaim so clearly, the glory of God. To see God's grace and forgiveness in restoring a relationship with this friend who (like us all) used to live defiant opposition to him.

During the ceremony, we sang hymns of God's greatness, saw the church family which he had become a part of, and was reminded that it is God's help which will see them through their committment when inevitably, difficulties arise. In many ways, the ceremony emphasised that more than a union to make oneself or even one another happy, as with other aspects of Christian living, marriage has the primary purpose of bringing glory to God.

On groomsmen, traditions, and miscellaneous thoughts

Seeing the lovely line of bridesmaids and groomsmen lined up for photos, I thought, oh no what a lop-sided gender balance there is amongst my close friends. What if I can't think of a girl whom I can have as a bridesmaid? Would it be inappropriate to have a bridesman? Probably. Later I remembered that almost all my school (primary and secondary) friends are girls. But I still stopped to think about why there have been so few close girl friends years after high school. Maybe I will save those reflections for another day.

Sometimes I wonder why conventional weddings are the way they are. Why church weddings with priests and prayers if you would never attend on a regular week? I suppose some look to traditions when faced with significant life events such as births, weddings and deaths. Why buy an expensive white dress which you could never wear, unless you plan to get married more than once? Do people actually practice the wedding day kiss? What happens if you serve fairy bread and hot dogs instead of the normal banquet? And how about the cake?

W: Instead of having a cake, I will have a block of cheese, with a rat inside! Which will run around after I cut it.

C: What if you cut the rat? I'm going to have a pie with a magpie. And the bird will fly away.

W & C: Heheheheh.

Thanksgiving

I don't know much about the holiday, neither had I ever celebrated Thanksgiving. But it's an apt time to finish a post that I had been drafting on and off for months. I wanted to complete it because this is the space in which I had often expressed how exasperating church life is in the past year.

It hasn't always been so. I had often regarded church and fellowship to be family. From the friendships and fights during my childhood years, to the medical fellowship at NUS which prepared me for the challenges of group dynamics and hospital life during clinical years (for which, I will always be immensely grateful for). Then more recently, there was the church community I loved, which continued to be an encouragement to keep loving, as I remember how I was blessed by their warm hospitality which arose from their faith in God.

The troublesome life of a troubled church goer

For sure, church life is troublesome. Fellowship is accompanied by a whole range of difficult emotions - sadness at not having friends, hatred when I feel snubbed, venomous envy when I compare my own talents or "role" in the church to others, being proud or self righteous as I judge the knowledge, abilities, motives, manners, and attitudes of others (that's hypocritical, isn't it).

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? - Matthew 7:3

I usually look forward to attending Sunday service. Not so much with the regular service I attend but more often on the odd occasion when I would find myself at other churches, I would be distracted by everything - the building would be too bright and flash (money hungry?), the organ too grand, there would be one too many overdressed girls with heavy make up (are you there to pick up?), the handshakes feel insincere, the songs too repetitive, lyrics without enough depth, the clapping too enthusiastic, the band too loud, the singers were clearly showing off, the pastor told too many anecdotes, the teaching was unclear, the offering tray too transparent, they talked about loving your neighbours but no one stopped to say hello after service... and so on and so forth.

But your (my) attitude and focus as you walk in through those doors, shapes everything. Am I really here to worship God and love my brothers and sisters? Am I here to serve or be served?

Since returning last year, and even from the time I first arrived almost six years ago now, I had a difficult time feeling "at home" in M. In amusement I recall spending first year at a Cantonese church with services translated to Mandarin or English. Many youth group members spoke good English, but spoke Cantonese anyway despite knowing that I could not understand. Later I explored many churches before settling at where I am now. Yet, here, I have always struggled with being from an Asian but somewhat different culture, I often felt disappointed with cliques, with superficial conversations, lack of honest sharing and prayer, with the general reluctance to ask a genuine how are you, and with people still ask me if I am back for just the weekend (fair enough though, I do come and go often - to rotations, to conferences, home for holidays). Less so now, but occasionally, I would be offended about not being invited to this outing, farewell party, dinner, or road trip. At my birthday gathering his year I was reminded of how richly I was blessed with close friends from various areas of my life - except it was also a stark reminder of how few close Christian friends I had, even after all these years in my regular fellowship.

In my previous Bible study group the next youngest people were in their forties, and the mean age of the group was probably in their sixties. So, perhaps being used to falling on the younger end of the age spectrum, in my student fellowship group, I came to realise a novel way in which I did not fit in - I feel old, ha ha. Some are many years younger chronologically. Some are not but have views of life, studies, friendships and relationships, or have ways of talking, joking, pranking and relating to people, which I could have probably related to better, was I several years younger. Not that I am better at growing up. But having a growing relationship with God as I lived away from home, moved here and there, interstate and overseas, got to know groups of new people, old and young, of my culture and of different backgrounds, and the sheer number of years spent in university, may have accelerated that shift a little more, towards adulthood.

Memorable encouragements, incidents, and lessons

"Why don't you try another church?" I was asked many times. I had always felt that I saw a purpose of being here, though I did not always enjoy it. I think, I saw that there were people to care for and share God's love with through this fellowship, and lessons for myself to learn too. I'm thankful for God's grace to help me not merely persevere, but find joy and thankfulness midst my troublesome feelings. I want to remember these times of encouragement through writing.

On weeks when I was able to focus on serving God, I recognised that not being knit in the "mainstream" social group, I sympathised with and was more able to spend time with those who were new, from different backgrounds, or those who were also often alone. I saw how, being non Singaporean non Malaysians, I could more readily understand how international students who were from other countries felt when they were not included socially, or struggled to understand the jokes and cultural references. I saw how English class made for creative ways to present God's message; I also saw, how my frivolous love of singing karaoke, and (thankfully) being able to speak simple Mandarin, helped me to better connect with many students, not only in class but socially too.

Indeed, English class has been an important area of joy and encouragement. In class I often appreciated the input of the other teachers as they transformed a simple lesson into a vivid imagery of God's love, or helped to articulate the gospel clearly and concisely in a way I could not. During my trips overseas at the end of last year, I was surprised at the effort in which those who I had looked out for in M were in turn, acting as hosts in their home cities. For the first time, I had friends in the city of my childhood to take me out - my friends, not my cousins, not cousin's friends, not family friends, not family friend's children. I was inspired too to pray and speak to my own extended family, as I saw the passion and clarity in which these relatively new believers shared God's love to their family and friends back home. Back in M, I was touched by the generosity of one of the students who brought his own ingredients to prepare multiple dishes from his national cuisine in big pots, in additional to our usual pasta dinner. Perhaps ashamed also - for our focus in planning for communal meals is often to minimise costs, whereas his main concern here was to share a delicious feast with each of us, as a token of his heartfelt appreciation.

There were other gentle nudges to keep going with fellowship too. I was weary and growing in discontentment with fellowship during those months, when the door unexpectedly opened one evening. I had prepared to attend the fellowship that Friday evening, but was late and not in the mood to face anyone after a series of bitter arguments. As I walked past the rarely used side door on my way home, the pastor opened the door and was almost directly in front of us. He assumed we were walking in and held out the door, and we felt too awkward to refuse. Throughout the fellowship that evening, I felt that more than an amusing coincidence, this incident was a reminder and glimpse of God's gracious and loving call to come to him just as we were.

Weeks later, there was one morning when I suddenly remembered to give thanks for the church service I take for granted Sunday after Sunday. Giving thanks for the song leaders, musicians and singers, who used their gifts to help us sing praises, to think about God's character, and reflect on his grace. For those who prepared our hearts for communion through their readings and prayers, so that we too might be encouraged to reflect on Christ's death for our sins, and what this means for our lives today. For the pastor and guest speakers who, week after week, faithfully teach from the Bible so that we are better able to not only understand, but also interpret the word for ourselves, in context. For the blessing church is every week, to reflect on my focus throughout the week, to deal with my sins. How effective thankfulness is, in turning cynicism and dislike for others to a heart which is more inclined to unity in Christ, and one which is more willing to praise God!

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. - Colossians 3:15-16

For a period of time I found it difficult to respect my Bible study leaders who were younger, or whom I deemed to be less mature in their spiritual life and understanding of the Word. Frankly, I was rather offended that they were asked to lead Bible study while I was not. Yet I am thankful for those seasons, in helping me to see that serving God goes beyond holding a recognisable title or leadership role - for example, being faithful through participating and prompting discussion, words of encouragement to those who do lead, or praying and caring for fellow group members. In an almost amusing way, I am thankful for coming face to face with the truth of the unpleasant remark of - "W, you are so up yourself!" It is only in seeing my pride that I could reflect upon the meaning of, and pray for an attitude of humility and unity. Perhaps these opportunities to work on a heart of service was important, and in this case, more important to God than actively serving in those roles. No wonder Paul instructs Timothy, regarding the choice of overseers and deacons:

He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgement as the devil. - 1 Timothy 3:6

As the year of fellowship gatherings come to an end, I can say honestly express my gratitude for the privilege it is to come together as a spiritual family each week. Even more in times away, do I realise how important these routines are, in spurring me along to spend time with God, talk about God, continue to learn to live a life worthy of God. Time alone with God is important, but so is learning and discussing with others. I think even in my own posts on Bible passages I can see the synergy of these two elements at work - whilst I spend much time reflecting alone, much of the content of those posts can be credited to those who brought the Word to life through sermons, or helped me to understand through discussion in Bible studies. It is also a joy and valuable growing process, to serve in unity with other Christians despite our differences and imperfections. May we continue to be thankful, growing in love and meaningful fellowship, with unity in ministry, to the glory of our God!

One Voice

Father we ask of You this day, come and heal our land.
Knit our hearts together, that Your glory might be seen in us;
Then the world will know that Jesus Christ is Lord!

Now is the time for you and I to join our hearts in praise.
That the name of Jesus, will be lifted high above the earth,
Then the world will know that Jesus Christ is Lord.
       
Let us be one voice that glorifies Your name.
Let us be one voice declaring that You reign.
Let us be one voice in love and harmony,
And we pray O God, grant us unity.

Lessons from Ephesians

 For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. - Hebrews 4:12

Seasons pass, where reading the Bible and listening to sermons becomes a chore. During those times, I hear an exasperated voice say within, I've heard this so many times already, what can I possibly learn from hearing it again? Yet, seasons come when it's fascinating to study God's words, even if we are going through the same handful of chapters, for months and months. During these times, it's a delight to discover the depth of God's word, and amazing to hear each day, a living truth that we would do well to take to heart.

Some lessons and ponderings from Ephesians, mostly from this week's studies.

1. Knowing Christ

"You, however, did not come to know Christ that way." - Eph 4:20

What does it mean, to know Christ? What did it mean earlier in the letter, when Paul prayed for the Ephesian church (who were obviously Christians already) to know God better?

It's more than hearing, or even believing, that he exists. One of our speakers put it as, the difference between knowing about someone, and actually knowing them, personally.

2. Deceitful desires

"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires..." - Eph 4:22

Deceitful because, it can be an innocent desire itself, but become corrupt as it overshadows or distracts our focus on God. Deceitful because, sometimes even we have difficulty seeing the layers of good and pious reasons we give for something that is essentially self serving.

Apparently there is a hymn, "prayer is the soul's sincere desire". And the challenging question is, what do you pray for in your quiet moments before God?

3. New attitudes

"to be made new in the attitude of your minds..." - Eph 4:23

For myself, it's interesting to see that in very real ways, knowing God has brought me new attitudes and desires that are quite distinct from my original self.

Also, I liked the study guide question - what are you doing to renew your mind in Christ?

4. Holiness is not a mystical state

"and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness" - Eph 3:23

Holiness is more than something that just happens where we become crowned with a halo, wear white robes, stand with a calm but solemn expression, and have sun rays shining upon us! Living out holiness involves taking off our old self, and putting on our new selves, which requires practical actions, and our active participation.

5. Consider needs of others

"and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us..." - Eph 5:2

All the practical examples Paul gave from 4:25 to 5:4 in regards to living out holiness, can be summarised by living a life of love which puts others before ourselves - for example, practicing unity in the church by being slow to anger and forgiving one another. Or, building others with the words we say. Godliness isn't practiced in isolation.

6. Being very careful

"Be very careful, then, how you live - not as unwise but as wise..." - Eph 5:15

This is my last point because I can read the passages every day, listen to the sermons every week, and discuss it in Bible study twice a week. But, every day, I want to pursue my own desires without stopping to evaluate whether that is in line with what God desires. Every day, out of boredom, jest, spite, carelessness or, in particular, in anger, I speak (or write, ha) words which neither build up nor benefit those who listen.

Beware, be intentional, because it doesn't come easily or naturally to live wisely. Thank God, for being gracious towards us.

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - it is by grace you have been saved. - Eph 2:4-5

Change of pace

For a few days, I exchanged my scarves for slippers, and saw a sun which glowed with real brightness and intensity. For once, my thoughts were occupied not just with discharge summaries and the whirlpool of my own feelings, but with the lives of old friends, and medicine that touched poverty, politics, and the wider world. As I weaved up into vast skies and layers of clouds, once again I was struck by the consciousness of my own mortality, despite knowing that statistically, dying from a plane crash is extremely unlikely.

From waking up to noisy neighbours and train hoots, there, I woke up to an unnecessarily loud and horribly evil laugh of a kookaburra, followed by a colourful choir of tweets, which reminded me so much of home. My never changing breakfast of two minute oats, milk, and bananas, was changed to, waking-up-too-late-for-breakfast, which would be promptly followed by scoffing down dry scones at morning tea, binging on tea and milk for lack of good food options, piling massive plates of not so filling vegetarian meals (organisers were going green), and diving for fried finger foods in the evenings. Each night would conclude with a stroll down to the night markets, armed with a delicious roll of Japanese crepe with whipped cream and ice cream.

Instead of (mentally) speaking with myself at my desk, which makes for poor and tiresome company, I sat with old friends on quiet benches outside loud and drunken parties, indulging in long overdue catch up chats. We talked until early hours of the morning, about our careers and futures, above love, about makeup and clothes; laughing at how each of us, from the pink-loving girly girls to the tomboys who never wanted to be girls, were on a journey of transformation, from a girl to a woman. Having often lamented on lost friendships during university years, I delighted in discovering that old high school friendships could mature into something better, where even the craziest girls, or the boys who adored only games and Anime, could develop a thoughtfulness and patience to listen and connect on a meaningful level.

A few days of warmth and a change of scene, away from the unbearably stubborn fog through which everything becomes indistinguishable shades of grey; respite, I think that is what they call it...

Dice and doors

I had been soaking in the fascinating book of Esther - enjoying short and long drives, and for once, not watching frustration rise in parallel with a longer and longer line of traffic. A series of coincidences, or is it really a series of God orchestrated events? Purim. A mockery of a worldview of chance, dice and lots? Events which resulted in God fulfilling his promise to his people, yet it is an entire book with no explicit mention of God. "Esther is meant to help us see God behind the scenes, even when it seems like he isn't there," the preacher had said.

And that evening, when my antennas for coincidences were more alert than ever, the door opened at the perfect moment. After a time of discouragement, and entertaining various thoughts about avoiding fellowship. A week when an ungracious attitude permeated through many of my daily interactions. When I seem to perpetuately dig up one thing or another to be affected by. If I listened hard enough that day, I could have heard my little sister asking me in a half joking, half exasperated tone, "why are you always sad jia jia?"

I wouldn't say it was an amazingly miraculous message from God. But it was enough to bring a smile, a little warmth, and light to the day. An invitation and encouragement to come, and a gentle reminder of a greater invitation to God's kingdom. After that small surprise, from a song we sang, I understood more clearly, about this invitation that doesn't depend on, or change, according to what I had or hadn't done.

So You Would Come - Hillsong

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
Everything was done
So you would come

Come, and recieve a love and forgiveness like that which extended to the prodigal son. Come, and have the broken hearts and broken lives transformed by the word and his blood. Into treasures, carried in jars of clay. Thank you, God, you alone know how to turn a cold heart into streams of praise:

从天父而来的爱和恩典
把我们冰冷的心溶解
让我们献出每个音符
把它化为赞美之泉

Just on a side note, Esther, the open door, and the song, also left me to ponder about chance and God (which is, in many ways, not dissimilar to dreams and God). Pondered about chance encounters, about episodes from a time past, about dreams last night which could more accurately be described as nightmares, about the timing of seeing my own hatred mirroring a hate that I could not understand previously, amongst others things.

A most memorable week

In the week following, the conference was constantly on my mind - reliving the memories through photos, a rally of comments and messages. Unexpectedly, this had become a highlight of my medical school life.

See, I have never been interested in being involved with the medical community until I made friends in medicine during the last two or three years. I had avoided medical events, because I inevitably felt ripped off for subsidising alcoholics, paying extravagant amounts for a ball ticket which only comes with a two course meal. Or spending hundreds of dollars for a student conference within Australia where the theme is getting drunk, partying hard, and casual sex.

Manila itself was unremarkable. A dingy old terminal packed with relatives and budget travellers. Cars driving as if the white lines on the road were invisible. Standing out with my pale vampire skin after not seeing the sun for a semester. People asking for money on the streets. Homeless children and adults. Taxi drivers pretending to not understand English when they're asked to turn on the meter, instead charging double, triple, quadruple the usual amount. Security checks and half hearted pat downs at every major shopping centre, even before you enter the university building. Guards with guns on the street. Hearing of a Korean lady being killed in her hotel bed (not ours) during the time of our stay. It's not exactly a place that feels safe. At least streets were reasonably clear of piles of rubbish, and the toilets, even student toilets at the local university, smelt far fresher than most Asian countries.

The local cuisine consisted of fried, meaty, salty, sickly sweet, more-sour-than-lemon dishes, with a strange combination of those flavours hitting you all at once. The desserts were delicious, full of coconut and condensed milk. But too sweet. It didn't help that we were catered with cheap boxed meals for lunch and dinner. What a surprise! I have not yet come across a cuisine that I do not enjoy. To be fair, there were one or two passable dishes. And it did take me half a year or so of living in the country to get used to Singaporean/Malaysian food.

Our pre-conference evening was spent in a surprisingly new and nicely renovated room in a not so nice part of town. Adjacent to our first hotel was a Lord of the Rings themed establishment, with little people (the performers?) outside. Down the road was a seedy looking place called "Hussy", with neon signs, and a door with a dark square window. In the evening, behind that window you would see half  clothes ladies dancing with their faces right up to the door. How disturbing.

During the conference itself we stayed in a five star hotel. The most amazing part was that a week long student conference would in fact be accommodated in a five star hotel with a delicious buffet breakfast every morning. Not that half the people made it to the 5am to 7am breakfast. After a tiresome here and there swap of rooms, I ended up with the best roommate, with whom I never had to feel bad for turning on lights and brushing my teeth noisily in the morning, or for switching channels when we watched TV at night. Just felt bad that I was also the "chick repellent". Too bad!

Unfortunately many of us fell sound sleep through many of the keynote speaker's talks. But, I was still amazed to see the the passion and projects from younger medical students (yes, not many were in their final year) to reach out to the socially disadvantaged groups in their countries. Health disparity, made so clear by visiting a crowded public clinic feeding malnourished children, and an hour later, walking through the presidential suite within a top private hospital, complete with a stunning view and a spa. I'm still working out my thoughts on the more serious aspect of the trip - namely, health inequality, which was also the conference theme.

The happiest times there were my group mates who became my new friends. With you guys, I didn't mind waiting for hours for transport, or being stuck in traffic. Because during that time we were amused by learning to passionately declare "I love you!" in a million languages. Singing karaoke was fun, even though the song selection and sound system were worse than if we had just used Youtube on a family TV. With you guys, I didn't mind staying up for nearly the entire night just being crazy and (on an alcohol free) high. It's nice, being around a good proportion of people who aren't slurring their words or trying to tell me that I just need to try it to have a good time. Not to say that there weren't medical students there who were clearly looking to club and hook up every night. But being final year is nice in that there are no one in the years above trying to tell you what you need to do to do to make the most of your university life.

Our group was lead by the most caring person I had ever, ever met. Surprising all of us to ice cream treats, and cold drinks on many hot days. Buying this snack and that dish for us to try at the mall. Taking us all out for dinner when we were sick of the catering. Apologising for the food, the tight schedule, the weather, anything, when none of it was his fault. Donating a green necktie as a snake for our rod, for the group 15 banner. Driving us everywhere as we sang Jason Mraz and listened to his self composed tunes. Playfully and amazingly accurately, imitating each group member's quirks. Carefully planning our "mission impossible" escape from the long boring city tour without other groups finding out. Giving us souvenirs. Staying up with us until sunrise. All while there were exams coming up in the following week. Taking care of us, helping us to bond as a group, and being an unforgettable, incredibly awesome host!

Then there was each of you. Our second group moderator who was with us just for a little while but was so bright and colourful both in her personality and clothing. The pretty Korean girl who had so many photos of herself on everyone's phone, camera, iPad, anything. "You look amazing, you don't need to check your photos!" I had told her, to which she replied tartly "you don't need to tell me, I already know that!" Another Korean delegate with the sweetest smile, always prepared for the camera, even when she was almost falling asleep. The Indonesian guy with long hair who took self-take photos to the next level by piling up almost forty people behind him, and capturing them all within the photo. Helpful too, teaching me the manual settings I never knew how to use on my camera. The UK group buddies who we only really saw during night life activities. Our shy Malaysian friend who didn't want to sing - we thought she was croaking off-tune into the microphone, only to turn around and discover that it was our group moderator pretending to sing in a girl's voice. The Indonesian girl who teased me for being a fake and mean group moderator. Swapping sunnies with my Taiwanese friend. A Thai friend who patiently taught me how to say "my name is" after repeating it to me for the twentieth time within a few hours. Nùeng, săwng, săam, sìi, hâa. I don't think I'm very good with languages. Recalling bits and pieces of Japanese with an aspiring psychiatrist, and catching snippets of her conversations with the others. It was surprising what was left, after letting my language learning lay dormant for over six years. Our pathology orientated Singaporean friend who took great delight in dissecting the half formed duckling in an egg. Eww.

An interesting and diverse group, and I felt sad, leaving without adequate mental preparation. It was not an easy decision to make, but even a the time, I knew it was the right decision. I was just getting to know you all, be part of the family, and also planned to talk to many others, watch the cultural performances, shop more, and sight see outside Manila city itself. But my adventure came to an early end. I guess my group shouldn't have been surprised at my decision, as you had already heard my choices in the just-for-fun psychology testing through story endings - I had, without hesitation, chosen the inhabited warm house rather than venturing further into that forest, no matter what enticing adventure awaited me.

Our time together reminded me of the close friendships I had in high school, my fun group of dance friends who I thoroughly enjoyed rehearsing and just having supper, or simply spending time together as a group with. And of course, the silly fun we had in B with many end-of-block parties, climbing up the roof with party poppers, playing cricket and lawn bowls in our massive living area, swinging on the swings next to the lake and waving to the consultant who walked past that same afternoon. I was starting to think otherwise, but this time I was reminded and reassured that I had no inherent issue in making friends, or be part of a social group. Just that sometimes you go for a very long time without finding someone, or a group of people, that you can click with. It just depends who you meet.

Yet, even amongst a group of close friends, many will drift, although some stay by you. No doubt individually we may meet here or there, but after this time it will never be the same group united at one place, with such easy and carefree interactions. We speak of seeing each other again but perhaps forget, that we are all busy as students and will be busier as doctors. From all these different countries, all different year levels, it would be difficult, almost impossible to find a time and place to meet again as an entire group. I've come and gone too many times to believe in friends forever, and knowing that, it made our time together more precious and added sadness to the farewells. Still, I hope some of us do remain as friends for a long time to come. Thanks for the wonderful week in Manila group 15, miss you all! Jinjjaaaaa!

Good morning beautiful

I love you, your gloomy darkness, and how you give me the perfect excuse to never venture out of my warm room for days on end. With you, I don't need bottles and bottles of water a day, and I have forgotten what exercise or sweating feels like. The delicious bowls of hot ramen, and warmth of hot bubble tea, and how you never dictate when I should be asleep or awake because the days just become one long night.

I thought we were a perfect match, W & W, my mood and yours. But I tire of you. Waking and leaving the house in dark, and returning when it's darker. Never feeling quite safe, walking down my quiet street wondering who is lurking in the shadows.

Then, there was a day that I woke up to a brightness foreign to my eyes. Walking out of the house just before noon, the sun beamed brightly at my face and I squinted and squirmed like a vampire. There, I finally understood their obession with the sun. "What a beautiful day it is," they would say, lying under the stinging sun as I quickly found myself a patch of shaded grass. Growing up with non stop summer and a sun that boils, I didn't understand what they meant by beautiful. Or how anyone could become vitamin D deficient.

But the warmth and soft rays falling gently onto trees, people, and everything it touches, is beautiful. Maybe I love you after all. The sun never scorches in your presence, and I would never have anticipated eagerly for it, if you didn't hide it in your gloominess.

Reminds me of the song that's been in my head this morning. See What a Morning - what an apt song after reading Isaiah 53:

See, what a morning, gloriously bright,
With the dawning of hope in Jerusalem;
Folded the grave-clothes, tomb filled with light,
As the angels announce, "Christ is risen!"

See God's salvation plan,
Wrought in love, borne in pain, paid in sacrifice,
Fulfilled in Christ, the Man,
For He lives: Christ is risen from the dead!

We are family

That was the theme for this year's church camp. Sorting through my photos from camp, I was reminded to finish writing this entry.

Is it bad to have a favourite church? I fell in love again with the church I loved, a group of believers who taught me, and continues to teach me, much about building a God-centred community, rather than building a social clique.

After being with mostly similar aged people my age, it was refreshing to be reminded about the full spectrum of life, from the very young, to the very old and dying. I loved sharing a room with a lovely lady my mum's age, who loves books, and an elderly lady who was there when our student accommodation was a nursing home. I loved waving hello to the beautiful baby with a serious face, and seeing his grandparents dote on him. I loved spending time drawing with the girl who could possibly be mistaken for my sister, reliving high school life with a teenager who's using the same textbook as I did years ago, listening to the dessert making adventures of all the ladies who are into baking, or hearing stories of parents who worry about their children growing up and becoming indepedent, and being listened to and encouraged by pastor and his wife.

I love how inclusive you are, and how even the bratty teenagers show love to, the man with a probable intellectual impairment, but who nevertheless has such joy, thankfulness, and humour. I love how you are Australian, Chinese, Singaporean, Korean, Japanese, Nigerian and more, being family through the same Jesus, though we look, talk and think differently. I've talked to so many friends who have lived in Australia for years but feel that they have nothing in common with the typical Caucasian Australian. And I share those sentiments (though I spent more of my life here than not). But it was in this church, and in this town (through classmates, and others I met through school), that I realised that the gap isn't as wide as we imagined, and that depending on the community I'm with, I can feel completely at home in this country though I don't have curly blonde hair, or pale skin with freckles. Even though I have zero interest in booze or footy.

I love how you share your lives with each other, and with me. I love how openly you share prayer requests, and pray for each other from the heart, rather than sharing prayer in a guarded, generic way. And in a short time, even after a year away, how we can talk about your children and grandchildren, your siblings, your schools, your work, your farms, your ministries, your struggles, the illnesses and deaths in your families, the joys and celebrations, with such familiarity. Truly living the words: "rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn." - Romans 12:15

Thank you for being such a warm community, a beautiful channel, and shining example of God's love. It's a love that inspires me to keep learning to love others and build communities that reflect God's love. May you all continue to love God, and love your neighbours.

Different friends

"This is my friend..." - that word has so many meanings.

I always say that I have a lot of pseudo friends, acquaintances. I've been surprised to hear people who I would consider "social butterflies" explain that this has been their experience too. I was apprehensive to be back here, because I knew that after a period of time away, I would quickly be disappointed by those whom I thought were friends, but were really just people you (metaphorically) greet and pass by.

Back there the acquaintances were people who I saw weekly, or more, but always kept their distance. Not making an effort there, certainly I don't expect to see their faces here. I don't understand, it's draining, and at times I don't see the point. There are other difficult friendships, here and there. Notably those who shamelessly take without giving, and are constantly selfishly concerned with what is convenient for themselves.

Yet, there's always the beautiful too. Here I'm reminded of the many generous and kind friends. Friends who invite me to their home, are busy but always make themselves available, are willing to be flexible, who welcome not only me but my friends, who are always happy to meet, dine, sing or dance together. Blowing away my cynicism, realising not all friends disappear with time and distance.

And even back in that cold city, there were the friends who were there with me during semester, and during exams. Who, perhaps unknowingly, cheered me up by a few words, or brought stability into my inner world by simply being there, preparing and studying together, zoning out afterwards with our favourite game, a walk, and a food trail through the city. And apart from them, there are a few others in that city with whom I can enjoy chats over meals with, time after time.

You know who you are, your friendship is much appreciated, thank you.

Furry friend

Why does your breathe smell so bad everytime you open your mouth. It is lovely though, to have your warm body on my lap, and that constant, rumbling purr. Then silence, and lots of ear twitching, as you fall asleep. You're the only cat I've ever really liked. But I'm keeping an eye out on those unpredictable, evil claws that always manages to prod into my skin through my clothes.

See you soon

Your silliness, affectionate hugs, infectious laughter and quirky questions. After the recent farewell, there's really no reason to go.

But, it's you who I miss the most, always. Because neither of us can communicate well on the phone, neither of us really enjoy Skype. You're the only reason I endure sitting next to big blokes who should really be paying for two seats, and screwing up my sleep cycles by being awake in the depth of the night.

See you soon, you teeny-weeny little girl.

Here is life

We spend a lot of time waiting in the hospital, and have much time to gaze at the paintings and signage around the place (yes that's the "busy" life of a medical student). I saw this one in the wards and thought I must remember to take a photo of this! And so I did, during one early morning ward round, many months later.

Every ward needs something like this to help us see another side of being in hospital, or even working and studying in the hospital. I don't know who KJC is, but thank you for your beautiful words!

Here is life

Life is not on hold,

put aside until you get home,

Living happens here.

Here you will see a fullness of being human

that you may not notice when you are well and busy in the everyday.

But here in this place you will see...

• beauty in the face of a woman who has seen ninety-three summers
• courage in the determination of a man who must learn to walk again
• kindness from a lifelong partner and from a complete stranger

While you are here experience the deepness of being human

really human

and take home joy from that discovery

KJC 2009

Last days

I have many weeks of thoughts to make up for - for my last days in S til now. My last two weeks following the completion of my report was busy with farewells and outings.


Serving and blessings
I thought I was doing a stranger a favour, a kind deed, being generous. I was reluctantly obeying God's commands not to show favouritism, in a manner often more condescending than loving. Yet I was encouraged, abundantly blessed and learned more from the friendship than I could have imagined or deserved. Later, we had an opportunity to serve in healthcare. I learnt more about seeing and loving people as God loves, and that was a time of great joy that reminds me of the verse:

"It is more blessed to give than to receive" - Acts 20:35

And to summarise what I learnt about people:

"You think the only people who are people, are the people who look and think like you. But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew you never knew." - Pocahontas


Being alone and friendships
Amongst other things, by the end of this year I've experienced watching movies alone and enjoying it, and eating alone many times and being ok with that (although I hated the feeling initially). But I still love good company.

Some say and I guess it's true that for most of the part in recent years, I've always had a close friend - or more honestly, a relationship in close proximity. Then there is always someone I would care for, spend time with, go visit places with, eat with. I heard a sharing once that singleness allows you to develop a deeper relationships with friends. Perhaps being quite alone here gave me the time and emotional energy to invest in, care for and pray for friends, fellowship people I meet and others around me.

Although I hated and despaired in the seasons of loneliness, I thank God for giving me a time to grow as an individual. It's only in the last few months were the ones where I began to love those at church, and got to know new friends through dance. It's funny (or unfortunate?) to realise that I possibly made more meaningful friendships S during that one year than my time in M. The "extra time" that I had this year but would not have had during semester in uni probably also contributed to this.

Sometimes I wonder if those friendships are different because people know that I won't be around - will some be less interested to get to know me? would some show more friendliness because I'm leaving anyway? I guess I won't find out haha.


Saying goodbye for now
It's sad to say goodbye, but I felt loved by the farewell gatherings during the last 2 weeks. Thank you friends at VCF, dance, Q, my host family, and other individual friends for all the farewells. And especially cards and notes because to me that's the best gift.

I find it disorientating to move into and out of people's lives constantly. It is indeed hard to stay in touch when you live far away. A friend commented that it's only a matter of time before we forget each other, haha how cynical, but it rings with some truth. But it's likely I will be back and we'll cross paths again.

Performance and new friends :)

 

(Sorry nothing amazing here, we're all from the beginner's / intermediate classes!)

Previously I mentioned the Lindy Hop lessons I joined. The past 2 weeks has really been an exciting journey, all in preparation for the performance on Monday night. To think, everything for that two and a half minutes on stage! It was physically exhausting but fun to rehearse for hours nearly every second night. To reach home by midnight, sometimes after prata for supper, and then knock out on my bed (but to my horror I still had insomnia over the weekend) and wake up with sore arms, legs and backs. Added bonuses of photo shoot, experimenting with the other girl's extensive collection of make up, and various suppers and talks throughout the process. Ah it was memorable and I'll miss it!

I'm glad to have met all of you. JY for learning to dip and hold properly for Russian kick and not dropping me on the floor, and always prompting us all to go for supper. R & M - one amusing memory is when you two were demonstrating something then JY said "what dance  move is that...? oh you're just holding hands". G & X with your hidden singing talents too. D the cool Asian kid who can't speak Chinese and has smooth hair that a girl would envy. R the big eyed girl from whom I found out a pharmacy course exists at this university. YL, the dancer who reminds me of a Chinese actress and only much later did I find out she too was a medical student! YB, the only girl lead with a magician hat and a pro makeup kit. YT & LT whose names I couldn't figure out which was which until YT did the "eating" hand action. Too bad we've only just met and it's time to say goodbye, thanks for sharing this journey!

Interestingly I also discovered things about hobbies, dance and beauty. That hobbies are good things to share and enjoy in life. Yet if I'm not careful they can take up all of my time and thoughts that I don't seek God as much, and lose focus of my real purpose, and forget how brief life is.

Before I joined dance I prayed and considered how God sees it. You might be surprised to find the number of articles Google finds when you type in dance and Bible. I learnt that "the earth is the Lord's, and everything in it" (1 Cor 10:26) including dance, music and beauty. Yet because of human nature good things are often corrupted - beauty, instead of drawing praise to God's creation, draws people towards sin and obsession. Even in our concert the "costumes" of some dance groups were glaringly provocative that most girls including myself, would instinctively know what exactly a guy would be staring at. Make up and dressing up is fun but to judge beauty only by body shape or physical features, or to pursue it obsessively undoubtedly causes much insecurity, and futility in chasing physical perfection and youth.

Through dance, I understood better the choice and responsibility God gives his children - that in many areas of daily living and hobbies there is no clear do's and don'ts. Rather, "everything is permissible - but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others." (1 Cor 10:23) and we keep in mind that whether we "eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble - whether Jews, Greeks, or the church of God." (1 Cor 10:31-32) For myself and for my brothers, I chose a lively instead of sensual style of dance. Remembering all I do is for the glory of God, I'm also aware not to flirt or seek the attention of guys where I have no intention for a relationship (would be selfish rather than seeking the good of others).

"Yes, the world cheapens and prostitutes beauty, making it all about a perfect figure few women can attain. But Christians minimize beauty, too, or over-spiritualize it" - Stasi Eldredge
 
Remembering that everything on earth is the Lord's also means I can give thanks for the friendships, fun, joy and beauty of dance. Just as I can give thanks for the gift of drawing, and relaxation in playing piano, I can give thanks for the wonder of dancing to the music, being able to jump and turn with improving coordination. That I can smile at the colourful dresses of girls and the suspender costumes for guys. God is the creator of females and our beauty, he is a great artist and the creator of breath-taking scenes like shooting stars. May he be seen and praised when we appreciate beauty, may he be praised and thanked when we dance.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." - Col 3:17

Travel

Places do not lose their identity, however far one travels. It is the heart that begins to erode over time. - Joanne Harris (Chocolat)

Places begin to blur into each other. Perhaps that's the brain's way of organising memories, by attaching them to those that are already present.

The novelty factor is not there, if you've seen something similar already.

- The houses built on hills, same in Launceston, same in Hobart, same in Auckland and Christchurch.

- A cloud descended below a mountaintop, the same in Japan, the same on the drive away from Picton.

- Bare trees that look like bones without flesh, on the wild roadsides of South Island. The same grim yet beautiful scene in Wilson's prom.

- A lookout from high above, breathtaking the first time, then all the same thereafter. From high above each city: Auckland, Wellington, Sydney, Melbourne, Shanghai, New York... become indistinguishable.

Moving rapidly through each site, you can only appreciate the place's aesthetic value. But a holiday is not about seeing places; rather, slowing down and doing something you don't usually do, take a break, have a walk, enjoy the company of those you're with, sleep in a comfortable hotel room and enjoy the local cuisine. That's my very lazy idea of a great, slow holiday. After all if it's by sight alone, just turn on your TV or flip through a travel booklet.

How difficult to satisfy and ungrateful we are! And having lived with my family day in day out for the last 10 days, I wanted nothing better than to sit back and enjoy a bit of quiet and time to organise what I need to do for uni. But now, I wish for nothing more than to be surrounded with people, because it's awfully quiet, awfully lonely.

Cold is...

(yup it's a long and totally pointless post, because you all know what cold is)

an unfamiliar, large empty room with high ceilings. An eerie line of light from a gap where the blinds don't quite meet the width of the windows. The deepest winter night, wrapped up in a thick blanket with the heater on full blast and all windows closed; but still freezing.

chilling winds gently rocking a lift chair suspended high above the slopes. Sitting with no assurance that the heavy skiis attached to your boots will not plummet into the (deceptively soft) white snow below. Hands numb from wet gloves, clasping tightly to the metal rails.

sitting on a lone bench in the middle of a park with stretches of grass on all sides. A park from which, in the distant horizon, a row of high rises can be seen. Not believing that the vast spaces are empty, wondering if anyone hides behind the night cover. Shivering uncontrollably inside a fur coat.

breathing out a magical ball of mist with every puff you let out. Marvelling at it like a child; knowing it's condensation but being fascinated nonetheless.

Art

Once upon a time an artist completed a painting. He was mesmerised, delighted! A scene rich in harmonious colours, with exquisite details, with life. (The rainforest. Grass green, dark green, dull green, crisp green. Fine rays of sunshine shy through the rustling leaves. A fresh scent lingers, the dampness seeps through the canvas, the birds are gliding out of the page...)

He continued to paint. But none matched the one he had completed. His skills and techniques were unchanged, but in light of his masterpiece, they were mere shadows, without colour, without magic. After numerous failed attempts, the joy of art was lost to him.

The artist was contented with his works before the painting changed him. If by some power you could decide, would you have let him create this masterpiece?

Flickering flames

In a fireplace. The solid, thick log is tended to for a long time before it's heated enough to catch fire. Once it alights, it burns slowly and steadily, radiating a warmth and a dim orange light within the room. Balls of newspaper are thrown in. In contrast, they instantly produce a wild and brilliant flame that is intensely hot. As this flame rapidly dies, the log continues burn and provide heat.

Last year at college, I had the opportunity to play with fire at a fireplace for the first time. I didn't understand why we used the logs instead of bits of tree branches, recycled cardboard, or just the newspapers from each morning. Well, now I do.

Camp

1. On the way back from Alpha camp there was a circular break of light amongst stretches of grey rain clouds. Last week I looked up to some unusual leaves on the trees lining the path at uni. They had multiple small holes in the green parts of the leaf, which merged until only the delicate outline of a leaf remained. Not unlike a skeleton without flesh. (Actually they were dying leaves but looked quite pretty.) At these times, and at times in the past when I used to walk my dog while gazing around, I start to appreciate God as the ultimate artist.

I usually draw with pencils. The product would be a grey or blue sketch. With coloured pencils or with Photoshop I can colour the picture with any shade I desire. When I want to do something different, I might even animate the drawing.

God creates in 3D, and on a much larger scale/canvas, although he also operates microscopically and isn't limited by the square of a pixel. The clouds, leaves, everything, is a symphony of animations, constantly moving, changing and growing. The artist also added senses of smell, touch, sound, taste. And while I draw what I see, I suppose creation was purely from his imagination.

I noticed that I write a lot more about my thoughts than my life. Well, the next 2 are about my life.

2. I slept to my heart's content at camp :) and recovered from my flu. Apparently I'm like a koala: sleep, eat, sleep, eat. I just want to mention how I love sleeping, especially in M. Snuggling in my blankets, next to my two soft pillows is so comfortable. I study on my bed and never use the desk chair. In fact, I'm typing on my bed now.

3. It's been cold. Which makes me more sleepy than usual...