Closing a chapter

Whenever I think back, I feel thankful, and amazed. I've been wanting to write this, but unfortunately thankfulness tends to be easily swept away by dissatisfaction.

First impressions - odd, self promoting, and abrupt. I was offended that first day when you asked me what percentile I was, and quickly came to the conclusion that I was playful, wanting to do the minimal amount of work, and clearly anxious because of my legitimate questions. I thought uh-oh. Actually, I was irritated even before we met, with the months long lags between the email correspondence. My fears were confirmed in the following weeks and months with your unorthodox ways, and how you refused to engage in my questions in a straight forward way.

I was plucking ideas out of thin air, attempting to implement them with the active discouragement of those who were supposed to help. And just when the plans were to be executed, the internal strife, the gossip and knowing looks, and your boss pulling me aside and asking me to pick sides. You went away temporarily and the person replacing your role almost didn't want to do what she agreed to do, when she became angry after seeing that you had taken her material. Then, you left unexpectedly in the last few months, and they said I should be okay to sort things out, myself. Not once did I have any direct feedback about the final product from anyone there, or anyone else, until the process was complete and buried. Indeed, perhaps as you've intended, I've learnt much through the process. But to this day I can't decide whether your method was intentional and effective, or whether the free reign (or negligence, depending how you see it) went just a bit too far. You were right, I was anxious. The uncertainty, and how out of my hands the whole process was, disturbed my sleep more than any exam.

I disliked you intensely, but I read God's word and prayed constantly too - avoid gossip, be respectful, reflect God's character, and work as if we're working for God and and not for man. Over time, the interactions changed, rather - God transformed them. Far from perfect, but workable. In the end, you had surprisingly positive comments and well wishes. And I wrote to myself, "I never thought I’d cry at the end of this whole thing. Cry because of his sickness, because I don’t like to see suffering or hear of suffering to that degree even in the person I once loathed. I have to thank God, thank God and only God for helping me have a neutral and eventually positive attitude towards his strange ways. And thank God for him being receptive to me too."

During the time, when all that felt dark and hopeless, I was also hurt and shattered by the intentional lies of someone I trusted, and weaving through the complications that followed. Like Job, I felt God was sabotaging various areas of my life. I wanted to trust God, that he had good plans for us, that he promised to be with us and never forsake us. Much of the time, I probably didn't believe that, but other times, I did. Since there was no consistent guidance, and I didn't know what to do, I always made the comment that God was the one who was guiding me in this work. So when it came to penning acknowledgments, I thanked all the usual suspects, and (after contemplating whether it would be weird and deciding I had to include it) thanked God for giving me the people whom I thanked, and "for being the source of my purpose, strength and guidance each day." I worked, but it was through (or together with?) what God had given me.

I thought that was it, but there was one last thing. And finally when that was complete, we could close that chapter. There's nothing extraordinary in any of this, but walking with God makes ordinary paths (with its ups and downs) special, and when I look back, I'm amazed at the journey and where he's brought me. Although it's tempting to think I did it all myself - see the passage below.

When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you. Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God, failing to observe his commands, his laws and his decrees that I am giving you this day. Otherwise, when you eat and are satisfied, when you build fine houses and settle down, and when your herds and flocks grow large and your silver and gold increases and all you have is multiplied, then your heart will become proud and you will forget the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions... You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today. - Deuteronomy 8:10-18

I stop to remember and record, because it's easy to quickly forget. God wants his people to remember, make a monument, mark the milestone. The Passover feast was to be a yearly reminder to the Israelites of how God spared the Israelites who had the blood of the lamb on their doors, whilst striking the Egyptians (when Pharaoh refused to let the Israelites go). Similarly, after the second crossing, God instructed Joshua to command the people to make a stone monument to remind future generations of what had happened.

Last days

I have many weeks of thoughts to make up for - for my last days in S til now. My last two weeks following the completion of my report was busy with farewells and outings.


Serving and blessings
I thought I was doing a stranger a favour, a kind deed, being generous. I was reluctantly obeying God's commands not to show favouritism, in a manner often more condescending than loving. Yet I was encouraged, abundantly blessed and learned more from the friendship than I could have imagined or deserved. Later, we had an opportunity to serve in healthcare. I learnt more about seeing and loving people as God loves, and that was a time of great joy that reminds me of the verse:

"It is more blessed to give than to receive" - Acts 20:35

And to summarise what I learnt about people:

"You think the only people who are people, are the people who look and think like you. But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew you never knew." - Pocahontas


Being alone and friendships
Amongst other things, by the end of this year I've experienced watching movies alone and enjoying it, and eating alone many times and being ok with that (although I hated the feeling initially). But I still love good company.

Some say and I guess it's true that for most of the part in recent years, I've always had a close friend - or more honestly, a relationship in close proximity. Then there is always someone I would care for, spend time with, go visit places with, eat with. I heard a sharing once that singleness allows you to develop a deeper relationships with friends. Perhaps being quite alone here gave me the time and emotional energy to invest in, care for and pray for friends, fellowship people I meet and others around me.

Although I hated and despaired in the seasons of loneliness, I thank God for giving me a time to grow as an individual. It's only in the last few months were the ones where I began to love those at church, and got to know new friends through dance. It's funny (or unfortunate?) to realise that I possibly made more meaningful friendships S during that one year than my time in M. The "extra time" that I had this year but would not have had during semester in uni probably also contributed to this.

Sometimes I wonder if those friendships are different because people know that I won't be around - will some be less interested to get to know me? would some show more friendliness because I'm leaving anyway? I guess I won't find out haha.


Saying goodbye for now
It's sad to say goodbye, but I felt loved by the farewell gatherings during the last 2 weeks. Thank you friends at VCF, dance, Q, my host family, and other individual friends for all the farewells. And especially cards and notes because to me that's the best gift.

I find it disorientating to move into and out of people's lives constantly. It is indeed hard to stay in touch when you live far away. A friend commented that it's only a matter of time before we forget each other, haha how cynical, but it rings with some truth. But it's likely I will be back and we'll cross paths again.