Thanksgiving

I don't know much about the holiday, neither had I ever celebrated Thanksgiving. But it's an apt time to finish a post that I had been drafting on and off for months. I wanted to complete it because this is the space in which I had often expressed how exasperating church life is in the past year.

It hasn't always been so. I had often regarded church and fellowship to be family. From the friendships and fights during my childhood years, to the medical fellowship at NUS which prepared me for the challenges of group dynamics and hospital life during clinical years (for which, I will always be immensely grateful for). Then more recently, there was the church community I loved, which continued to be an encouragement to keep loving, as I remember how I was blessed by their warm hospitality which arose from their faith in God.

The troublesome life of a troubled church goer

For sure, church life is troublesome. Fellowship is accompanied by a whole range of difficult emotions - sadness at not having friends, hatred when I feel snubbed, venomous envy when I compare my own talents or "role" in the church to others, being proud or self righteous as I judge the knowledge, abilities, motives, manners, and attitudes of others (that's hypocritical, isn't it).

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? - Matthew 7:3

I usually look forward to attending Sunday service. Not so much with the regular service I attend but more often on the odd occasion when I would find myself at other churches, I would be distracted by everything - the building would be too bright and flash (money hungry?), the organ too grand, there would be one too many overdressed girls with heavy make up (are you there to pick up?), the handshakes feel insincere, the songs too repetitive, lyrics without enough depth, the clapping too enthusiastic, the band too loud, the singers were clearly showing off, the pastor told too many anecdotes, the teaching was unclear, the offering tray too transparent, they talked about loving your neighbours but no one stopped to say hello after service... and so on and so forth.

But your (my) attitude and focus as you walk in through those doors, shapes everything. Am I really here to worship God and love my brothers and sisters? Am I here to serve or be served?

Since returning last year, and even from the time I first arrived almost six years ago now, I had a difficult time feeling "at home" in M. In amusement I recall spending first year at a Cantonese church with services translated to Mandarin or English. Many youth group members spoke good English, but spoke Cantonese anyway despite knowing that I could not understand. Later I explored many churches before settling at where I am now. Yet, here, I have always struggled with being from an Asian but somewhat different culture, I often felt disappointed with cliques, with superficial conversations, lack of honest sharing and prayer, with the general reluctance to ask a genuine how are you, and with people still ask me if I am back for just the weekend (fair enough though, I do come and go often - to rotations, to conferences, home for holidays). Less so now, but occasionally, I would be offended about not being invited to this outing, farewell party, dinner, or road trip. At my birthday gathering his year I was reminded of how richly I was blessed with close friends from various areas of my life - except it was also a stark reminder of how few close Christian friends I had, even after all these years in my regular fellowship.

In my previous Bible study group the next youngest people were in their forties, and the mean age of the group was probably in their sixties. So, perhaps being used to falling on the younger end of the age spectrum, in my student fellowship group, I came to realise a novel way in which I did not fit in - I feel old, ha ha. Some are many years younger chronologically. Some are not but have views of life, studies, friendships and relationships, or have ways of talking, joking, pranking and relating to people, which I could have probably related to better, was I several years younger. Not that I am better at growing up. But having a growing relationship with God as I lived away from home, moved here and there, interstate and overseas, got to know groups of new people, old and young, of my culture and of different backgrounds, and the sheer number of years spent in university, may have accelerated that shift a little more, towards adulthood.

Memorable encouragements, incidents, and lessons

"Why don't you try another church?" I was asked many times. I had always felt that I saw a purpose of being here, though I did not always enjoy it. I think, I saw that there were people to care for and share God's love with through this fellowship, and lessons for myself to learn too. I'm thankful for God's grace to help me not merely persevere, but find joy and thankfulness midst my troublesome feelings. I want to remember these times of encouragement through writing.

On weeks when I was able to focus on serving God, I recognised that not being knit in the "mainstream" social group, I sympathised with and was more able to spend time with those who were new, from different backgrounds, or those who were also often alone. I saw how, being non Singaporean non Malaysians, I could more readily understand how international students who were from other countries felt when they were not included socially, or struggled to understand the jokes and cultural references. I saw how English class made for creative ways to present God's message; I also saw, how my frivolous love of singing karaoke, and (thankfully) being able to speak simple Mandarin, helped me to better connect with many students, not only in class but socially too.

Indeed, English class has been an important area of joy and encouragement. In class I often appreciated the input of the other teachers as they transformed a simple lesson into a vivid imagery of God's love, or helped to articulate the gospel clearly and concisely in a way I could not. During my trips overseas at the end of last year, I was surprised at the effort in which those who I had looked out for in M were in turn, acting as hosts in their home cities. For the first time, I had friends in the city of my childhood to take me out - my friends, not my cousins, not cousin's friends, not family friends, not family friend's children. I was inspired too to pray and speak to my own extended family, as I saw the passion and clarity in which these relatively new believers shared God's love to their family and friends back home. Back in M, I was touched by the generosity of one of the students who brought his own ingredients to prepare multiple dishes from his national cuisine in big pots, in additional to our usual pasta dinner. Perhaps ashamed also - for our focus in planning for communal meals is often to minimise costs, whereas his main concern here was to share a delicious feast with each of us, as a token of his heartfelt appreciation.

There were other gentle nudges to keep going with fellowship too. I was weary and growing in discontentment with fellowship during those months, when the door unexpectedly opened one evening. I had prepared to attend the fellowship that Friday evening, but was late and not in the mood to face anyone after a series of bitter arguments. As I walked past the rarely used side door on my way home, the pastor opened the door and was almost directly in front of us. He assumed we were walking in and held out the door, and we felt too awkward to refuse. Throughout the fellowship that evening, I felt that more than an amusing coincidence, this incident was a reminder and glimpse of God's gracious and loving call to come to him just as we were.

Weeks later, there was one morning when I suddenly remembered to give thanks for the church service I take for granted Sunday after Sunday. Giving thanks for the song leaders, musicians and singers, who used their gifts to help us sing praises, to think about God's character, and reflect on his grace. For those who prepared our hearts for communion through their readings and prayers, so that we too might be encouraged to reflect on Christ's death for our sins, and what this means for our lives today. For the pastor and guest speakers who, week after week, faithfully teach from the Bible so that we are better able to not only understand, but also interpret the word for ourselves, in context. For the blessing church is every week, to reflect on my focus throughout the week, to deal with my sins. How effective thankfulness is, in turning cynicism and dislike for others to a heart which is more inclined to unity in Christ, and one which is more willing to praise God!

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. - Colossians 3:15-16

For a period of time I found it difficult to respect my Bible study leaders who were younger, or whom I deemed to be less mature in their spiritual life and understanding of the Word. Frankly, I was rather offended that they were asked to lead Bible study while I was not. Yet I am thankful for those seasons, in helping me to see that serving God goes beyond holding a recognisable title or leadership role - for example, being faithful through participating and prompting discussion, words of encouragement to those who do lead, or praying and caring for fellow group members. In an almost amusing way, I am thankful for coming face to face with the truth of the unpleasant remark of - "W, you are so up yourself!" It is only in seeing my pride that I could reflect upon the meaning of, and pray for an attitude of humility and unity. Perhaps these opportunities to work on a heart of service was important, and in this case, more important to God than actively serving in those roles. No wonder Paul instructs Timothy, regarding the choice of overseers and deacons:

He must not be a recent convert, or he may become conceited and fall under the same judgement as the devil. - 1 Timothy 3:6

As the year of fellowship gatherings come to an end, I can say honestly express my gratitude for the privilege it is to come together as a spiritual family each week. Even more in times away, do I realise how important these routines are, in spurring me along to spend time with God, talk about God, continue to learn to live a life worthy of God. Time alone with God is important, but so is learning and discussing with others. I think even in my own posts on Bible passages I can see the synergy of these two elements at work - whilst I spend much time reflecting alone, much of the content of those posts can be credited to those who brought the Word to life through sermons, or helped me to understand through discussion in Bible studies. It is also a joy and valuable growing process, to serve in unity with other Christians despite our differences and imperfections. May we continue to be thankful, growing in love and meaningful fellowship, with unity in ministry, to the glory of our God!

One Voice

Father we ask of You this day, come and heal our land.
Knit our hearts together, that Your glory might be seen in us;
Then the world will know that Jesus Christ is Lord!

Now is the time for you and I to join our hearts in praise.
That the name of Jesus, will be lifted high above the earth,
Then the world will know that Jesus Christ is Lord.
       
Let us be one voice that glorifies Your name.
Let us be one voice declaring that You reign.
Let us be one voice in love and harmony,
And we pray O God, grant us unity.

Prestige

Towards the end of high school, we flipped through a huge phone directory sized job guide, which has now become fully electronic. Abattoir worker, actor, aerobics instructor, agricultural engineer, analytical chemist, anthropologist, archaeologist. We have barely begun in covering the range of jobs starting with "A". By the way, anthropology was the one that sounded the coolest at the time. Oh well, maybe I will go back and do that BA one day.

At that time, I couldn't understand why training as an apprentice chef, was considered a "lower" job than say, an accountant. Or, why three years of university education was considered so much more worthy than a three year TAFE course. Or, why was it that, the higher a score that was needed to enter the course, the more students wanted to get into the course. Again I thought about the question, whilst working as a kitchen hand, alongside those who were a similar age to me, most who did not attend university, and many who did not complete high school. But, if you work hard at what you do, contributing to society in a meaningful way, what does it matter what you do? Even now, I'm not sure I completely understand the way our society ranks different occupations and careers.

In the same way, I don't understand why medicine is so prestigious. The expression of respect, especially but not exclusively within Asian circles, that becomes evident when one hears that you are studying medicine. Wow, you must be really smart. Uh, thanks? Not infrequently, I have had others misinterpret "studying medicine" to mean that I am going to be a nurse, or a pharmacist. It's when I feel the twinge of irritation of, no I'm going to be a doctor, that I realise, I have also adopted the attitude that we are smarter, better and simply superior. We joke about this so often and perhaps, one by one, we really start to believe it, if we didn't already upon entering medical school.

Elitist. Being in an old and well established university, our students are known for being stuck up, often making snide remarks about the incompetence of students studying on the other side of town. What, you are at a rural hospital for clinical school, you couldn't possibly have chosen to be there. Where are you going next year? Congratulations on your internship destination, largest is the best, the hardest places to get in, so you must be really good! Er, no I'm not, how do I explain that neither my marks nor my life achievements are amazing. I feel uncomfortable that my extended family is more excited about my internship destination than I am - uncomfortable, because I know they are happy because they love prestige. Anyway, how does older and bigger automatically equate to a better place to work and grow?

It just doesn't stop here. Which specialty training program are you in?  The enthusiastic "wow" for someone on the R.O.A.D. to happiness (radiology, ophthalmology, anaesthetics, dermatology), or training in a much admired field such as neurosurgery, is such a stark contrast to the "oh" someone training to be a general practitioner often receives - oh, why don't you want to specialise? Just like when we were in high school and choosing what to study in university, we equate more "difficult" entry requirements, to a better specialty, and a better person. Not just academically, but smarter, richer and more important. Therefore, we treat them with special favour. Or should we?

Good marks and hard work are fine in themselves, and indeed, many of those in highly sought after specialties are talented, committed, and deserve the respect that they have. But it really bothers me, the obsession of prestige and achievement that surrounds this profession. How across every level, from medical students to consultants, we are judged, and in turn judge one another, based on rank, specialty, place of training and other such criteria. Not only professionally, but just as much in personal and social interactions. And how we judge those outside medicine to be just... well, not as good. Why aren't you dating someone in medicine - or conversely - of course my parents will be happy with my sister's new boyfriend, he's going to be a doctor!

Perhaps, most troubling, is when this occurs in fellowship. Attending a medical Christian event over the weekend, we were asked to add our year level and university, or specialty for graduates, to our name tags. I thought, does this really matter, and pondered whether it would affect the way we talked and interacted with one another. More than a year ago now, I attended a talk at Christian medical event where I clearly felt the hospital hierarchy in the room. I happened to be seated next to registrars who seemed to want to make it clear that they were registrars (not intern or residents), and seemed to change their manner when they talked to fellow registrars, and when the medical students talked to them. Or it could be purely my interpretation; or, they were shy and not very talkative anyway.

The speaker in front was the head of the endocrine unit at this hospital, and the director of that very prestigious specialty college. During the talk (on a topic which I have now forgotten) I wondered whether at times the speakers were not speaking more as consultants to their junior doctors, on how to do medicine and life, rather than humbly sharing God's words and God's work in their own lives. Considering how important connections are, in turn, I wondered how many students were using refreshment and mingling time as career networking opportunities, rather than seeking genuine fellowship and spiritual growth. Maybe I was being over cynical, but certainly, the thought of focusing on the networking aspect did not escape my mind.

So in Christ Jesus you are all children of God through faith, for all of you who were baptised into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. - Galatians 3:26-28

At work, we should respect those in authority, including brothers and sisters in Christ. However, it was disappointing to see hospital heirarchy, reinforced by junior and senior doctors (and students) alike, permeating into church life and ultimately, hindering fellowship and taking the focus away from God. Recognising that we are all sinners, and recipients of God's grace, why should one (no matter who they are in the medical profession) exalt themselves over another? Perhaps that experience made me reluctant to join the medical fellowship events in M. Until recently that is, when I was once again reminded of the importance of being inspired by, encouraging and being encouraged by other Christians in medicine. Just as those who are proud stand out, there are of course, many who are marked by faith, having lives which point clearly to God.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death — even death on a cross! -
Philippians 2:3-8

What's wrong with being elitist? What's wrong with loving prestige? What's wrong with having an elevated view of our profession, our university, our hospital, our specialty, our rank? It matters what we value first and foremost. We lose perspective when self becomes bigger and more important than God. We forget who we trust in, who we should be thankful towards for all that we have. We compare with others, begin to focus on collecting trophies, aiming for what is "best" and most prestigious, to serve our pride and desire for recognition. In doing so, we lose sight of our purpose, and become distracted from working for God, and living to love others. Jesus, king of kings, did not exalt himself but came to serve. How each of us, not least myself, should be constantly reminded to do likewise!

Dice and doors

I had been soaking in the fascinating book of Esther - enjoying short and long drives, and for once, not watching frustration rise in parallel with a longer and longer line of traffic. A series of coincidences, or is it really a series of God orchestrated events? Purim. A mockery of a worldview of chance, dice and lots? Events which resulted in God fulfilling his promise to his people, yet it is an entire book with no explicit mention of God. "Esther is meant to help us see God behind the scenes, even when it seems like he isn't there," the preacher had said.

And that evening, when my antennas for coincidences were more alert than ever, the door opened at the perfect moment. After a time of discouragement, and entertaining various thoughts about avoiding fellowship. A week when an ungracious attitude permeated through many of my daily interactions. When I seem to perpetuately dig up one thing or another to be affected by. If I listened hard enough that day, I could have heard my little sister asking me in a half joking, half exasperated tone, "why are you always sad jia jia?"

I wouldn't say it was an amazingly miraculous message from God. But it was enough to bring a smile, a little warmth, and light to the day. An invitation and encouragement to come, and a gentle reminder of a greater invitation to God's kingdom. After that small surprise, from a song we sang, I understood more clearly, about this invitation that doesn't depend on, or change, according to what I had or hadn't done.

So You Would Come - Hillsong

Nothing you can do
Could make Him love you more
And nothing that you've done
Could make Him close the door
Because of His great love
He gave His only Son
Everything was done
So you would come

Come to the Father
Though your gift is small
Broken hearts, broken lives
He will take them all
The power of the Word
The power of His blood
Everything was done
So you would come

Come, and recieve a love and forgiveness like that which extended to the prodigal son. Come, and have the broken hearts and broken lives transformed by the word and his blood. Into treasures, carried in jars of clay. Thank you, God, you alone know how to turn a cold heart into streams of praise:

从天父而来的爱和恩典
把我们冰冷的心溶解
让我们献出每个音符
把它化为赞美之泉

Just on a side note, Esther, the open door, and the song, also left me to ponder about chance and God (which is, in many ways, not dissimilar to dreams and God). Pondered about chance encounters, about episodes from a time past, about dreams last night which could more accurately be described as nightmares, about the timing of seeing my own hatred mirroring a hate that I could not understand previously, amongst others things.

Community and clique - part two

Camp was coming up, and I couldn't help but feel cautious, rather than excited, about the whole event. A bit of background.

Same time last year, in the same seaside town, we drove up for a day trip to the same camp. Having not seen many people for months, or years even, there was this awkward situation of not being "new" (and triggering people's welcoming newcomers alert) but not "old" enough to have anyone to talk to either. I noticed a few people I hadn't met before playing pool, sitting in trios at meals, separate from the rest. Said hi, because I love pool and didn't care who I played against. Not really. Because noticing and acknowledging people, even when you feel like passing them by, is the only way to begin showing godly love. Because particularly in fellowship, love is more important than fitting in with the "culture" of the group, or seeking out popular people so that I can be connected with the "in" crowd.

I didn't know what we had in common any more than anyone else. In fact, I couldn't remember their names for ages, or tell one apart from another. I didn't know how to talk to them, not being able to understand or be understood completely in English. At the same camp this year, I reflected and remember how our friendships have grown. Earlier this year, one shared with me how he was really searching at that time last year, and believed in God shortly after. The two I'm thinking of are eager to grow in God's word, sharing it with friends and family because they care, and are some of the most genuine, helpful and loving Christians I know. Plus some of the best KTV buddies. I reflect, and realise again (as I first did in Singapore), that it's my blessing to have said hi instead of walking away.

April this year. This is not really about community or cliques, but love. I was surprised, in a bad way, at how both in the girl's and guy's cabins, there was a mad scramble for the limited beds available. Literally running for one, or saying blatantly, I was here first, I'm not going to sleep on the floor. How old are we again? And more disappointingly still, this was between sermons where we heard of Christ's love for us, how he lived, suffered, and died for us. Can't we, even starting there and there for a few days, live likewise in serving others? But I suppose it's hard, I struggled to not do the very things I hated in others.

Anyway, back to the starting topic. This time, was better than I anticipated. Teaching was clear, as usual. Discussions were meaningful rather than routine. People made an effort with my friend, my sister. I was encouraged by finding others who were there to build a fellowship, rather than build a comfortable social circle.

I hope that we, myself included, are not just growing in knowledge each time we come together to study the Word, but can learn also, to respond in love and service towards each other, knowing how Jesus came to love and serve us. Which is (if you don't read Chinese) the idea of the chorus.

祢的爱



祢创造宇宙万物，统管一切所有
但祢却关心我的需要，了解我的感受
祢手铺陈天上云彩，打造永恒国度
但这双手却甘心为我，忍受彻骨钉伤苦痛
祢公义审判万民，圣洁光照全地
但祢却一再赐恩典，一再施怜悯
给我机会回转向祢

祢的爱如此温柔，超乎我心所想
这样大有能力的主，竟捧我在手掌心上
祢的爱如此深切，我知我无以报答
但愿倒空我的生命，学习祢谦卑的样式
背起我自己的十字架 

祢创造宇宙万物，统管一切所有
但祢却关心我的需要，了解我的感受
祢手铺陈天上云彩，打造永恒国度
但这双手却甘心为我，忍受彻骨钉伤苦痛
祢公义审判万民，圣洁光照全地
但祢却一再赐恩典，一再施怜悯
给我机会回转向祢

Community and clique - part one

I wrote this in March after attending an annual camp with my favourite church. Perhaps most of them, being at least double or triple my age, have grown in maturity and love for God, for their neighbours. What an inspiring example!

Recently, in my M church, the speaker talked about how we share meals with those we love. And how the pharisees must have felt when Jesus was eating and laughing with those who were considered sinners, outcasts, of the community in his time.

When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. - Matthew 9:11

There are many things to learn here about God's love and mercy, our self righteousness and tendency to judge others. But here is also a mirror of how we close the doors of fellowship with those we feel uncomfortable around. Maybe they sometimes say inappropriate things, their sins seem greater than ours; or maybe they aren't as educated, not as smart, give "weird" answers in Bible study, not well dressed, aren't pretty enough, don't speak fluent English, have accents, different skin colours, different background, too senile, too childish, to be a part of our comfortable social circle.

My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favouritism. Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in filthy old clothes also comes in. If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, “Here’s a good seat for you,” but say to the poor man, “You stand there” or “Sit on the floor by my feet,” have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? ...If you really keep the royal law found in Scripture, “Love your neighbor as yourself,”you are doing right. But if you show favouritism, you sin and are convicted by the law as lawbreakers. - James 2:1-4, 8-9

Say I was a guy (because guys are normally superficial, so are girls to be honest, but less obviously so) and showed special attention to the pretty single female, slim, a lovely dress and expensive handbag, just the right amount of makeup, perfectly permed hair and manicured nails, and from the same country as me.  Then I ignore the slightly awkward guy, who doesn't dress fashionably, standing in the middle of the crowd by himself, and worst still, talks like a "FOB" (fresh off the boat for those who are kind enough not to use the word). Is that loving my neighbour? Or is that like the pharisee trying to pick the neighbours he'll show love to by asking, "who is my neighbour?" Not to mention, are you getting side tracked about why you're attending church or fellowship?

In S I really learnt what it meant by "it is more blessed to give than to receive" - Acts 20:35

How far we've come

In fellowship and prayer

"Weekday warriors" was the catchy theme of the night. For the first time in many many months in this fellowship, as a larger group, we shared a glimpse of the struggles we really have during our weeday lives. To not lose sight of God in the midst of work, studies, trying to achieve, joining clubs and committees, and so on.

Sorry to sound almost rude, but I dread sharing prayer points every week. TG for the week, P4 study (pray that I can do really well...), P4 time management, pray for QT. I'm not making fun of the prayer requests. We can and should pray about some of these things, and we can always tell our God what is on our hearts. But surely, we can do more for the sake of our own reflection, and in fellowship, than repackaging those three phrases and not share anything else to one another week after week. It's become so routine that the person jotting down prayer points already started writing before I even started sharing, and added some of the routine prayer points even though I haven't said any of them (hmmm wait, I didn't say that). The reason I dread these prayer sessions is because the group isn't interested in sharing their lives to one another, because we're happy to hear about what is going on in someone's life at a very superficial level and leave it at that without asking "why exactly are you not very energetic this week?" Without caring for one another in a genuine way, it's very hard to be open to one another, or come together before God together, encouraging one another, praying in unity.

Come on Bible study group! Why is it so hard to share that we do struggle throughout the week? With loving people - that I get angry, I get jealous, I hate intensely, that I struggle in my friendships, relationships, with my family at times. That in fact, though I pray for more opportunities to share the gospel with others, I actually don't like having those conversations, or feel too awkward to make a clear stance when someone mocks Christianity and its worldview, or simply can't be bothered when I have my own life to attend to. Why is it so hard to share specifics about why we want to pray for QT - that in fact - for example, I end up surfing on FB everytime I try to start. Or that sometimes, I actually feel that studies and life is something I handle by myself, not something to bring to God. That actually I find the Bible boring and repetitive sometimes, and my mind is hardly there when I'm mouthing the words to the worship songs at church. What about the whole list of other sins we struggle with - that I lust, I love money, I am proud instead of thankful, I gossip. (You can interpret 99% of the "I's" in the above paragraph as literally referring to myself, rather than just a figure of speech.)

Well, today was a good start, maybe it's time to pray for authenticity in our fellowship.

And in medicine

The title of the post really refers to this second section of my post. Somewhere in the middle of the sharings, the songs, the prayers, I was reminded of something important. Put God at the centre of your life, everything you do is for him. One of these phrases that is said many times, to the point that I've forgotten it's true meaning. (On a side note, can anyone explain to me what does "bless this food into our bodies" really mean when we say grace for the food?)

Let me tell you about a time not so long ago, when I came into this with perspectives not yet influenced by the general medical profession. I struggled at the time, to see people suffer, and struggled all the more in understanding and addressing that, not only as a medical student, but a human being, and as a follower of God. I prayed for the patients that I remembered, and my classmates also. I asked doctors who have worked for many years, whether they prayed for their patients, how they served God in their everyday, sometimes mundane roles as doctors. Disappointingly, I don't think that person really understood or addressed the question seriously. I was serious about my medical life being an extension of my role as a servant of God, and can probably thank my medical christian fellowship in S for that. During that research year, I cared about God in my daily life and friendships, work relationships, at home too. During that year before I started clinical school, I already heard plenty of stories from those in the years above about trying hard not to conform to the general trend of treating patients as cases instead of people, fighting and competition between classmates, being patient when taking histories instead of getting annoyed that the person is rambling. Good role models who were serious about serving God in all areas of their lives, including medical studies and hospital life.

How far I've come - I can take histories faster, I can write notes that flow more logically, I can present cases a bit better. Yes I can ask about bowel motions without inducing a giggling fit, talk about sexual partners without cringing, see pap smears and do prostate examinations without feeling like I could never look at the person in the face again. But, look how far I've come. I haven't come to the point of seeing people as merely "an interesting case", or take histories purely medically without really speaking to the person, yet. I have, however, grown to view patients more as medical cases rather than people, and when the clinic becomes routine it does perk things up with someone has something else beside the usual (usually more serious). How lightly I speak of other's sufferings, and how often their stories become interesting stories to share and laugh at and nothing more. And gee it's strange to pray for a patient, or isn't it strange to ask God to heal them completely, physically and spiritually? Or why pray for the friends you meet, the hospital people you meet, or your interactions with them? Maybe it's time and familiarity, plus influence of friends, clinicians and the general hospital culture. Are these normal self defence mechanisms to help with the adjustment to hospital life, or are they processes to actively avoid?

I have grown in some areas of my relationship with God, but not this one. It's something to mourn about, to pray about, to realise how far I've wandered from seeing medicine as part of living for God, rather than medicine as something to be done, and living for God something that is essential, or even the priority of my life, but nevertheless quite separate to where I spend a good (at least) half of my week.

We are family

That was the theme for this year's church camp. Sorting through my photos from camp, I was reminded to finish writing this entry.

Is it bad to have a favourite church? I fell in love again with the church I loved, a group of believers who taught me, and continues to teach me, much about building a God-centred community, rather than building a social clique.

After being with mostly similar aged people my age, it was refreshing to be reminded about the full spectrum of life, from the very young, to the very old and dying. I loved sharing a room with a lovely lady my mum's age, who loves books, and an elderly lady who was there when our student accommodation was a nursing home. I loved waving hello to the beautiful baby with a serious face, and seeing his grandparents dote on him. I loved spending time drawing with the girl who could possibly be mistaken for my sister, reliving high school life with a teenager who's using the same textbook as I did years ago, listening to the dessert making adventures of all the ladies who are into baking, or hearing stories of parents who worry about their children growing up and becoming indepedent, and being listened to and encouraged by pastor and his wife.

I love how inclusive you are, and how even the bratty teenagers show love to, the man with a probable intellectual impairment, but who nevertheless has such joy, thankfulness, and humour. I love how you are Australian, Chinese, Singaporean, Korean, Japanese, Nigerian and more, being family through the same Jesus, though we look, talk and think differently. I've talked to so many friends who have lived in Australia for years but feel that they have nothing in common with the typical Caucasian Australian. And I share those sentiments (though I spent more of my life here than not). But it was in this church, and in this town (through classmates, and others I met through school), that I realised that the gap isn't as wide as we imagined, and that depending on the community I'm with, I can feel completely at home in this country though I don't have curly blonde hair, or pale skin with freckles. Even though I have zero interest in booze or footy.

I love how you share your lives with each other, and with me. I love how openly you share prayer requests, and pray for each other from the heart, rather than sharing prayer in a guarded, generic way. And in a short time, even after a year away, how we can talk about your children and grandchildren, your siblings, your schools, your work, your farms, your ministries, your struggles, the illnesses and deaths in your families, the joys and celebrations, with such familiarity. Truly living the words: "rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn." - Romans 12:15

Thank you for being such a warm community, a beautiful channel, and shining example of God's love. It's a love that inspires me to keep learning to love others and build communities that reflect God's love. May you all continue to love God, and love your neighbours.

Ongoing

In no particular order:

Section A

I've thought alot about it this week. The time, and resources I would happily give, if it was before. But it's not the same. Of course I've known that for a long time but still don't understand your unwillingness to be open and clear, when we knew each other so well and talked so easily. Not hating you for being loyal, but for your mixed messages. What can you possibly mean by saying you care, and never initiate conversation. How do I interpret you wanting distance, then wanting "occasional" good chats. That time, we talked about having to celebrate our twenty firsts. Then you promised to catch up, saying of course it matters. But it doesn't.

Being in the same city can be far away, when you want it to be that way. You, and that other bro, are the same. Pretending to be old friends, but only there when it's convenient. "I'm quite busy" - I genuinely believed it. I'm good at believing excuses and lies. But now that it's been months, a year or more, it just means to me sorry I can't be bothered to make time, that I prefer to be surfing FB than to see you. Hate to realise it, but we always have time for friends that matter.

Section B

The learning is great. But it's a matter of perspective, on the social interactions. Some weeks are good, and some aren't so. The opportunity is that without a cosy nest, it frees you to mingle with those who are older, younger, alone, different, or just don't really belong - the people who I used to ignore when I had my nest. And leaves plenty of lunches to spend one on one with people outside. But other times, like this time, I feel that it's really going nowhere all semester and that doesn't look like it's going to change. I can't help but hear a mental snigger every time we talk about this place being welcoming. Sorry, about being judgmental. To me it seems that they will politely converse with you, if you look for them to, but save the real conversations, laughs, with the insiders. If you speak the same lingo, have the right connections, then your social calendar will be filled with gatherings and dinners, but if you're not, you will never be invited. It's petty but we all have feelings. If you're inside, you will be given roles as time goes by, and if you're not, I suppose you don't meet the criteria of popularity, which is strangely associated with your commitment. Good thing is you learn to do, quietly, the way it should be done. Maybe if you were pretty, cute, or handsome, and available, they would converse with more interest? Yes I suppose there's no point getting to know someone with whom you have no romantic potential, and anyone who is paired clearly has more than enough in terms of their social needs.

Mmm, that's terribly cynical. Some weeks I am thankful, optimistic even, that this is the place to be. But this time, when I'm meant to be thankful I just feel discontent. And it's sad, knowing that this is supposed to be a hospitable family and be a great symbol of love. If only for the social aspect, the dance class group, or any random club, can be better family than this. I long to be elsewhere, but I do remember that I have a task here, and I will know when it's time to fly away again.

Four o'clock

I thought today was an improvement.
I wanted to thank God.
But, tossing and turning in bed.
Thinking about waking up tomorrow.
Getting more and more agitated.
I suppose, no one can be expected to keep you company.
Not at 4am. So I sit here and talk, to myself.
Maybe double digits is a bad year,
I hate birth. Days. Not to be ungrateful to my family.
And the friends who wrote me thoughtful messages.
Or C, who always has a lovely word and card.
But they're distressing. Days.
I hoped for quiet, familiar, company.
Instead I dined and talked with a stranger.
A nice stranger doesn't take away the bitterness.
Really. It's been building up for longer, beyond that day.
M, the city of distant ghosts, cold faces.
A place I loved, or a bad and lonely place?
The cars. Deadly trucks. Angry cyclists knocking angrily.
The closer proximity, the heightened expectations.
The distateful mess. The fatigue. And a poisonous aftertaste.
Pointing. It's your fault. No it's your fault.
The inability to say a caring word. How sad.
Sadness is irritable. And sadness. Is isolating.
The episodes makes functioning. Rather difficult.
And sleep. Rather difficult too. Don't think DSM.
I thought there were old friends and new friends.
On good days there are. Opportunities to love.
But on bad days I see the popular, shunning the unpopular.
And lament that it happens at church. Of all places.
It could be seasonal. You know, summer and winter.
The lense needs a cleaning. Dark in darkness dwells.

An empty church

A grand church with impressive music and singing. It wasn't a regular service, and it's fine to use the church as a venue, but it amazes me how empty a church can feel. An empty shell, when the focus is on tradition, architectural grandeur and artistic value instead of meditating on God's splendour. Far from a heart of worship:

"Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” - John 4:23-24

And I wondered as the choir and congregation sang hymns declaring "heaven and earth are full of the Majesty of thy Glory", do you really believe that? I wondered, is it disrespectful to God to offer songs of praise lightly when your mind is turned away from him? Certainly it was wrong for the Israelites to offer blemished sacrifices and complete temple duties with an insincere heart. God told them to stop.

“Oh, that one of you would shut the temple doors, so that you would not light useless fires on my altar! I am not pleased with you,” says the LORD Almighty, “and I will accept no offering from your hands. My name will be great among the nations, from where the sun rises to where it sets. In every place incense and pure offerings will be brought to me, because my name will be great among the nations,” says the LORD Almighty. - Malachi 1:10-11

On a similar note to singing hymns when you don't want to know God, a few weeks ago we discussing why families have weddings and funerals held at churches, for people who are (or were) never interested in God.

Everyone who has been given much

I spent the past year in a small church, in B. We had a fantastic pastor and friendly church members who always welcomed new people, connected them to others who had similar interests to them, invited us for meals and small groups throughout the whole year. I miss that.

Now I'm back in M. There are plenty of strengths about the teaching, the fellowship here, but a conscious effort needs to be made to include those who are not part of the "core" or "in" group. I know what's it like to grow up in a church, and use the mingling time after fellowship as a time to hang out, tease, make jokes with old childhood friends whilst ignoring that person standing alone on the other side of the room. I know I should... but what do I say, he looks so old and we have nothing in common, oh maybe someone else will go up to her - hmm, I've done that so many times even after leaving D and realising that it can be difficult starting out at a new church by yourself.

As a newcomer to B, I was showered with plenty of undeserved kindness, care, attention, out of each family's love for God and the church. So much so that it would be unreasonable for me not to show the same love to others. So much so that on the weekend, when I wondered how I might talk to, or help the newer people in my current fellowship feel at home, I thought back to all that I've learnt subconsciously through what others have done for me. I've been blessed, and therefore I have more to give.

“The servant who knows the master’s will and does not get ready or does not do what the master wants will be beaten with many blows. But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." - Luke 12:47-48

Heart of worship

Playing piano this week was great, not because I played great but fun because there were guitars and drums and during our short rehearsal, we coordinated quite well. It's encouraging to work together with others, and reminds me of what we've been studying in 40 Days of Community - how ministry is better done as a team of Christians working with the same purpose, in unity.

To be honest playing piano for church has always freaked me out, throughout the few times I played at my first church in M, later the student fellowship, and even in my current church in B. Although I enjoy being a part of facilitating the singing on the day, learning the songs during the week was inevitably stressful because it takes me such an incredibly long time. Seeing the amazing talent many people, especially Asians who've grown up playing piano (there are amazing non-Asian piano players too, it's just that proportionally it seems more Asians learn piano as their main instrument), I often feel that I don't want to be involved. I can't forget the time when I was just starting to play, I was quite discouraged when the song leader for the week insisted that I should improvise more. Just try! Haha at the time I was too busy working the chords to be thinking about improvising, and improvising is something that I'm still learning.

Besides, I would tell myself, why have someone second rate to play when there are many others who are better. However, being at a smaller church, I am involved in this ministry simply because it possibly gives the regular pianists some restful weeks where they can fully concentrate on the service. In the meantime I've found myself to be gradually more comfortable with learning music, playing music whether alone or with others. I suppose it's about a heart of obedience and his grace, rather than our talents or brilliance (or lack of):

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." - 2 Cor 12:9

As the song Heart of Worship goes:

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

DCCC

While doing cleaning duty at college today, I realised how much of my "growing up" process happened at church. The first time I did dishes, the first time I mopped, vacuumed, served food, stacked chairs, set up tables... were not at home, but all these are random things I picked up at church. My real extended family has been far for a long time now, but I did have a "family" of sorts at church.

1) My "brothers", my best friends, who ran around, played and fought with me. Sharing "deep talks" with from time to time. And continuing to keep in touch with me :) It's only during these holidays in Shanghai did I notice how similar our friendship is to that between my cousins and I.

2) Sisters, who I had more conflicts with in the past... but nevertheless, forgiven me for the times when I have been rude or childish. Who shopped, talked, checked out guys with me and sometimes fed me :)

3) The younger children who are not so little any more. Some were like real little siblings to me, and taught/prepared me to be able to look after and play with my real sister.

4) Aunties who told me off, sometimes gossiped about me, especially about my relationships. I think it's because they cared. The adults weren't perfect, but looking back, they are encouraging examples of people who strive to be faithful to God even in difficult times.

I'm particularly grateful for a lot of the care, corrections, parenting during Sunday school, although I may have resented it at the time. Particular things that come to mind include:

1) One of the Sunday school teachers chatting with me in Mandarin the first time I came to church (all the kids spoke in English and I didn't understand a word).

2) Letting me know that putting my foot up on the table is "not very lady-like", because I really saw nothing wrong with it at the time.

3) Another Sunday school teacher being great in presenting evidence, explaining and provoking thought. Then attempting to answer all my endless questions.

4) For being flexible and letting me continue in Sunday school instead of attending normal service, at a time when I didn't understand the reason and wasn't willing to sit through long sermons and prayers.

For those of you reading this, thank you all for growing up with me, putting up with me, forgiving me, teaching me, sharing fun times, sharing life with me :)

Reminds me of that song we sang at YWAM summer camp one year:

I will stand with you
We will fight the fight
I will stand with you
Through the darkest night
I will stand with you
As God gives us might
Hand in hand, hand in hand
We will stand

When you're tired of the battle
Feeling worn out to the bone
And you feel like you've been fending
Off the arrows on your own
Close your eyes and see the angels
Who are fighting brave and bold
In the family of God in the family of God
In the family of God
You're not alone

When life can overwhelm you
And the tears rise in your eyes
And you wish that you could find a place
To run away and hide
I'll be there to hold my hand out
And to gently lead you home
In the family of God in the family of God
In the family of God you're not alone