Drinking, pfft

Tell me.

What makes a person who drinks more fun or a better friend than one who doesn't? What makes people who party socially admired compared to those who don't? Why do those who don't actually enjoy drinking boast that actually, they are able to skull drinks (it obviously tastes terrible if you have to shove it straight down your throat without it first going through your mouth)?

The social overtone is strong wherever I turn (much more so than in Singapore) that I feel like a large aspect of Australian (or Western) uni culture is foreign to me.

If you pressure me to share interests of drinking or clubbing to be accepted... forget it, because that's not who I am. I do like club music and dancing is fun, but a roomful of sleazy, lustful men is not. Losing inhibition might be amusing but the risks are not worth it and drunkedness doesn't please God. I'm not going to touch it apart from the occasional sip out of curiosity for the taste of pretty cocktails.

In first and second year I felt out of place. I didn't know how come I didn't "understand" these typical uni student activities, sometimes I felt unsure, swayed. Well, it's been a few years and I know myself and my purpose a bit better. I'm not ashamed of who I am, I don't need to learn to enjoy these things that I don't enjoy, and no matter what you tell me I'm 100% sure I'm not missing out. Because satisfaction and joy without a bad aftertaste (or hangover) is from the Lord.

Thinking about clinical school

At our church's youth music concert recently, we sang this song:

我要向高山举目 - 赞美之泉

我要向高山举目，我的帮助从何来
我的帮助从造天地的耶和华而来
我要向高山举目，我的帮助从何来
我的帮助从造天地的耶和华而来

哈利路亚，哈利路亚，哈利路亚，哈利路
哈利路亚，哈利路亚，哈利路亚，哈利路

"I lift up my eyes to the hills - where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." - Psalm 121:1-2

The transition from class to clinical school... settling into my new place, trying to unpack, clean my dusty room and buy basic ingredients to start cooking. Getting up on foggy mornings for early rounds, meeting up after dinner for late night PBLs (tutorials). Unfamiliar hospital terms, finding doctors, facing mortality each day seeing oncology patients.

I particularly have this awareness of rank. Consultants, registrars, residents, interns, med students. It's normal, but it's intimidating. But why do we fear? I should respect them, but their favour (or disfavour...) is not a measure of my worth. Because God, who is far greater, is my helper.

"Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men, who cannot save. When their spirit departs, they return to the ground; on that very day their plans come to nothing. Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord his God, the Maker of heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them - the Lord, who remains faithful forever." - Psalm 146:3-6

It comes back to perspectives again, to fix my eyes on what is eternal instead of what is tangible but temporary. It's hard to do that in the company of other medical students, because career or study-minded thinking is quite different to God's perspectives. Sigh. I have some questions to ask myself:

What if I finish clinical years, but along the way use patients, colleagues and staff as instruments for my own benefit and use, and forget to love? Why study pathology, clinical signs and treatment regimes to heal if I don't remember to bring God's light and love to patients?

"If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." - 1 Corinthians 13:3

So what if I see all the common diseases and have a excellent knowledge base (haha, wonder if that'd ever happen), but end up being constantly tired and easily irritable? What if I go through these years at the expense of my mental health and personal relationships? What if I get lost in busyness and work, so as to forget my purpose?

Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun. - Ecclesiastes 2:11

Father in heaven, help me see clinical school in the light of your mission and purpose. Teach me to balance my learning with my time in prayer and reflection. To learn to be still and know that you are God even when I feel like I'm too busy to be quiet. To set aside time for others, and time to rest and sleep.

Last days

I have many weeks of thoughts to make up for - for my last days in S til now. My last two weeks following the completion of my report was busy with farewells and outings.


Serving and blessings
I thought I was doing a stranger a favour, a kind deed, being generous. I was reluctantly obeying God's commands not to show favouritism, in a manner often more condescending than loving. Yet I was encouraged, abundantly blessed and learned more from the friendship than I could have imagined or deserved. Later, we had an opportunity to serve in healthcare. I learnt more about seeing and loving people as God loves, and that was a time of great joy that reminds me of the verse:

"It is more blessed to give than to receive" - Acts 20:35

And to summarise what I learnt about people:

"You think the only people who are people, are the people who look and think like you. But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger, you'll learn things you never knew you never knew." - Pocahontas


Being alone and friendships
Amongst other things, by the end of this year I've experienced watching movies alone and enjoying it, and eating alone many times and being ok with that (although I hated the feeling initially). But I still love good company.

Some say and I guess it's true that for most of the part in recent years, I've always had a close friend - or more honestly, a relationship in close proximity. Then there is always someone I would care for, spend time with, go visit places with, eat with. I heard a sharing once that singleness allows you to develop a deeper relationships with friends. Perhaps being quite alone here gave me the time and emotional energy to invest in, care for and pray for friends, fellowship people I meet and others around me.

Although I hated and despaired in the seasons of loneliness, I thank God for giving me a time to grow as an individual. It's only in the last few months were the ones where I began to love those at church, and got to know new friends through dance. It's funny (or unfortunate?) to realise that I possibly made more meaningful friendships S during that one year than my time in M. The "extra time" that I had this year but would not have had during semester in uni probably also contributed to this.

Sometimes I wonder if those friendships are different because people know that I won't be around - will some be less interested to get to know me? would some show more friendliness because I'm leaving anyway? I guess I won't find out haha.


Saying goodbye for now
It's sad to say goodbye, but I felt loved by the farewell gatherings during the last 2 weeks. Thank you friends at VCF, dance, Q, my host family, and other individual friends for all the farewells. And especially cards and notes because to me that's the best gift.

I find it disorientating to move into and out of people's lives constantly. It is indeed hard to stay in touch when you live far away. A friend commented that it's only a matter of time before we forget each other, haha how cynical, but it rings with some truth. But it's likely I will be back and we'll cross paths again.

Performance and new friends :)

 

(Sorry nothing amazing here, we're all from the beginner's / intermediate classes!)

Previously I mentioned the Lindy Hop lessons I joined. The past 2 weeks has really been an exciting journey, all in preparation for the performance on Monday night. To think, everything for that two and a half minutes on stage! It was physically exhausting but fun to rehearse for hours nearly every second night. To reach home by midnight, sometimes after prata for supper, and then knock out on my bed (but to my horror I still had insomnia over the weekend) and wake up with sore arms, legs and backs. Added bonuses of photo shoot, experimenting with the other girl's extensive collection of make up, and various suppers and talks throughout the process. Ah it was memorable and I'll miss it!

I'm glad to have met all of you. JY for learning to dip and hold properly for Russian kick and not dropping me on the floor, and always prompting us all to go for supper. R & M - one amusing memory is when you two were demonstrating something then JY said "what dance  move is that...? oh you're just holding hands". G & X with your hidden singing talents too. D the cool Asian kid who can't speak Chinese and has smooth hair that a girl would envy. R the big eyed girl from whom I found out a pharmacy course exists at this university. YL, the dancer who reminds me of a Chinese actress and only much later did I find out she too was a medical student! YB, the only girl lead with a magician hat and a pro makeup kit. YT & LT whose names I couldn't figure out which was which until YT did the "eating" hand action. Too bad we've only just met and it's time to say goodbye, thanks for sharing this journey!

Interestingly I also discovered things about hobbies, dance and beauty. That hobbies are good things to share and enjoy in life. Yet if I'm not careful they can take up all of my time and thoughts that I don't seek God as much, and lose focus of my real purpose, and forget how brief life is.

Before I joined dance I prayed and considered how God sees it. You might be surprised to find the number of articles Google finds when you type in dance and Bible. I learnt that "the earth is the Lord's, and everything in it" (1 Cor 10:26) including dance, music and beauty. Yet because of human nature good things are often corrupted - beauty, instead of drawing praise to God's creation, draws people towards sin and obsession. Even in our concert the "costumes" of some dance groups were glaringly provocative that most girls including myself, would instinctively know what exactly a guy would be staring at. Make up and dressing up is fun but to judge beauty only by body shape or physical features, or to pursue it obsessively undoubtedly causes much insecurity, and futility in chasing physical perfection and youth.

Through dance, I understood better the choice and responsibility God gives his children - that in many areas of daily living and hobbies there is no clear do's and don'ts. Rather, "everything is permissible - but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others." (1 Cor 10:23) and we keep in mind that whether we "eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble - whether Jews, Greeks, or the church of God." (1 Cor 10:31-32) For myself and for my brothers, I chose a lively instead of sensual style of dance. Remembering all I do is for the glory of God, I'm also aware not to flirt or seek the attention of guys where I have no intention for a relationship (would be selfish rather than seeking the good of others).

"Yes, the world cheapens and prostitutes beauty, making it all about a perfect figure few women can attain. But Christians minimize beauty, too, or over-spiritualize it" - Stasi Eldredge
 
Remembering that everything on earth is the Lord's also means I can give thanks for the friendships, fun, joy and beauty of dance. Just as I can give thanks for the gift of drawing, and relaxation in playing piano, I can give thanks for the wonder of dancing to the music, being able to jump and turn with improving coordination. That I can smile at the colourful dresses of girls and the suspender costumes for guys. God is the creator of females and our beauty, he is a great artist and the creator of breath-taking scenes like shooting stars. May he be seen and praised when we appreciate beauty, may he be praised and thanked when we dance.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." - Col 3:17

Thinking about Christmas

I thought more about Christmas this year. Is it a time to eat drink and be merry? Receive mounds of presents?

Each year we have this habit (obsession?) to write many cards, prepare many presents. How come offering presents and focusing on others can become a distraction?

Christmas is about Christ. About the creator, our indescrible and uncontainable God humbling himself to be in flesh and blood, to live amongst us, to show us a way to life. This is the reason for our rejoicing, our celebrations, our show of love for each other is centred upon.

This year, for myself, I realised giving presents to family is sufficient. To encourage closer friends to remember God in the midst of the festivities.

Op shops

I love the $1 christmas sales, what a bargain!

As younger kids in high school we were like 'eww, old clothes'. Or, the more expensive the more trendy. But I guess when you're more comfortable with yourself, care less about other people's styles and trends, op shops are good places to shop!

Death is real

I was watching another one of those stupid zombie shows - movies that make light of killing and death. Soon after heard the news (click for news on TV) of our high school classmate who died in a car crash. Deaths and road accidents here and there every day, but shocking and unreal when it's someone who went to school with, saw daily, talked to, teased, grew up with. One who barely turned 21, attending uni and probably facing exam periods like most of us. How dare death just end everything?

The article disappoints me with it's brief and cold description. Then I'm moved, realising road toll statistics and morbidity data are not mere numbers. Behind each number there is a life, a family, a circle of friends, a story. Disease and death are so de-personalised in medicine. Oh that I would always see life, death, disease as a compassionate human being, not a med student for whom these are simply topics of study.

Only in death do we realise that life is a gift. To all of his classmates and friends, it's a shock that such a thing could happen. Death is real and inevitable, happening to anyone at anytime. Even at the prime of our youth when we feel that we have forever to dream, to pursue interests, to enjoy life. A fear that anyone, even those in our own circles, can be taken without warning. When we consider the end, how does it change our perspective of life? How do we live meaningfully, purposefully? When we dream, have hopes for and plans for the future, for holidays, for travel, career, love, marriage, children... surely we need to be humble in acknowledging we are not in control.

Now listen, you who say "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. (James 4:13-14)

Let's be humble before our Lord God. Let's not pretend that we are gods of our lives, that if we can plan and make our own success, happiness, even meaning.

God, why don't you warn us individually? Why allow such suffering on families, such a heaviness in the hearts of friends? How would I continue to have faith and trust if this was my best friends, my dear family? If such was the case.. I would be mouring and crying out to God in despair and desperation, asking why why why! instead of considering life and existance like this. I believe God grants us wisdom when we ask, but don't think we can ever fully comprehend suffering and death completely. As it is here are my thoughts.

I had a sudden awareness that many of my friends do not know God, with confusion and sorrow I asked: God where is your love and mercy, how can you bear to see anyone perish, why will you not save all?! Then I caught a glimpse of why God's heart yearns for us to turn to him. He does not want to see a single person perish. Yet he gives us free will, to chose how we live our current life, to choose whether we love him and want to spend eternity with him.

How do we know he loves and yearns for us? Before we knew him "everything was done so you would come" - as the lyrics go. God prepared a way for us to be in his holy presence despite us choosing to ignore him, choosing to be our own gods or follow idols like money and power, choosing "freedom" that is actually sin that brings us destruction, choosing blatant evil. That's why Jesus came: "for God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) He takes no delight in punishing. "As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign Lord, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live." Ezekial 33:11

Death is disruptive, it's unnatural - and was not so before sin came into the world. And God has "set eternity in the hearts of men" (Ecclesiastes 3:11)

For non-Christian friends, do you feel comfortable with the fact that your life will end one day? Do you know where you are going? Do you live in denial of death? Knowing life is brief, is it enough to hedonistically "eat, drink and be merry" and not consider the end?

As Christians, do we truly not only believe, but obey God - loving him with all our heart, strength and mind, and finding ways to serve him wherever we are? And do we have a heart to share with those who have not had the same opportunity to hear the "good news"?

For us all: how will we live purposefully and meaningfully, how will our priorities change, how will we be different to each of our friends and loved ones? Let the death of a friend not be in vain, but touch us deeply, sharpening our perspective and motivate us all to live "better" lives.

edit// here is the more recent, less cold and more human news article